“Clay, are you okay? You are really quiet, and look worn out.” Her hand comes across the table to caress mine that’s lying there to help prop my body up.
“Sorry, it’s been a hard day. I lost several patients.” She gasps, and I glance up at her from my half-eaten plate to see the sadness, or is that loneliness, in her blue eyes.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
I sigh and hang my head. Fucking radio! Somedays, I want to throw that piece of shit through the window. Somedays, I really hate my job. It’s so mentally taxing because I want to be here for those in need, but how much can one man take in a day, when all I really want to do right now is be lying next to this woman who has waited for me at home the entire day. I’ve never had these contradicting feelings between my career and a woman before. “I’m sorry, Romi. I’ve got to go.” The scrape of the chair against the floor is like fingernails on a chalkboard, painful to my ears and heart.
The tones drop on my radio again as I jump in my work truck, and I hit the button to respond, “Dr. Walker responding and en route.”
Dispatch immediately gives me the rundown, “Highway 70, west bound, mile marker five, code two, head on car versus horse. Good luck, Dr. Walker.”
“Thank you, Pearl.”
The scene is bright lights with emergency personnel and police everywhere, but I can see my patient lying on the ground about a hundred yards away. I pull up to the police officer directing traffic, and he notices who I am and waves me through.
Walking up, medical bag in my hand, it’s an American Paint horse, mostly brown with white patches, and I can already tell this is not going to be good. I kneel down next to him and grab a pair of gloves and an equine stethoscope from my bag. As I put the gloves on and the stethoscope around my neck, I assess the patient visually. I can see his chest faintly lifting with shallow breaths. I’m relieved that he is unconscious, so he is not feeling any pain. I put the stethoscope in my ears and listen for a heartbeat. It is very low and faint.
I decide to push a sedative injection into his neck muscle to control any pain. His legs and body appear to be okay, but his head is twisted in an abnormal way. I know right away that he has a major spinal injury, and he’s not going to make it. All I can do is be here with him and keep him as comfortable as possible until his time ends.
Time passes fast with monitoring his pulse, stroking his head and talking to him softly. I’m glad it happens as smoothly as it can, and he doesn’t have to struggle at all.
The detective meets me at his SUV, and I give him my statement on my findings and the horse’s last moments. He tells me the horrible information on the tragic accident that claimed not only the horse’s life but the driver’s as well. Unfortunately, the horse had gotten out of the fence and made his way to a busy highway. The car hit the horse head on and bounced off, causing the driver to lose control and roll several times, killing him on impact.
I hate nights like this. Yes, I am glad that I was here for the horse to make sure that he was pain free, but all of this takes an emotional toll, and I would rather not have to deal with them. Yet, it’s all part of the job, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I finally make it back home sometime in the very early morning hours. My mood is somber, and I’m utterly exhausted. Romi’s body lying in my bed under my covers and in my home is nice to come home to. It’s the only thing that’s made me smile these last seven hours.
I shower, climb into bed and pull her close to snuggle against her, smelling her hair calms me a little. All kinds of heavy thoughts way on my mind. The number one thing was that for the very first time when the tones dropped on the radio, I was honestly torn. I wanted to stay here with Romi, and not just because of the sex, but for her. I wanted to be with her, close to her, by her side. On the other hand, I wanted to get to the call as soon as possible. I felt the ache in my chest beckoning me to stay here with her, and I had the same ache calling me to the animal in need. Could my heart be big enough for both the passion I have of being a veterinarian and the growing feelings I’m having for Romi? Can I be man enough for both of them, and not have to sacrifice the time that would hurt either? That last question plays on repeat as if it is sheep jumping the fence, and I am counting them to fall asleep. One time over, two times over, three times over...
“Clay,” Romi’s sweet voice sounds like a whisper in my ear. I must be dreaming because I just fell asleep. So I roll over and pull the blanket up to my chin. “Clay.” This time I feel a kiss on my cheek.
“Damn, is it time to get up already?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. It’s still pretty early, but I have to go ahead and go, so I can drive all the way home and get ready, then be out at Casie’s dude ranch by ten. I didn’t pack enough clothes for work today.”
“Alright. I’ll walk you out.” My legs are heavy as I drag them over the side of the bed, my head feels groggy, and my body aches while I put one foot in front of the other and get dressed and make it outside.
I’m quiet while my brain is still trying to process waking up.
The ding on the car door signals that the car doors are now unlocked, and it’s time to let her go even though I am really struggling with that. I don’t want her to leave, I just want to take her back inside my place, climb back in bed, cuddle her and fall back asleep.
“Text me when you make it safely home, so I don’t worry.” I hug her close one last time and kiss the top of her head before opening her driver’s side door to let her in.
“I will, but I’m sure you will be back asleep,” she replies as she sits in the car.
“At least I’ll have it when I wake up. Be safe, Romi.” I lean inside of the car and kiss her before I back away, close the door and wave bye through the window.
Why does this seem like goodbye forever? Maybe because she came to the realization that I can’t fit more than just my job in my life. Or, maybe, now she understands why I have always been single. Or, maybe, this was a good glimpse into what life would truly be like with me, and she’s not willing to live a life half with me and half with me out on emergency calls all the time.
18
With every mile that I drive further and further away from Heartville, my heart breaks a little more. The tethered strings pull it in one direction, but my mind tugs it the way it truly needs to be going. Reality steers it in the right direction of staying on track.
I know this is for the best. I’m distracting Clay when he needs to focus. Maybe if I hadn’t kept him up so late these past few weekend nights, he wouldn’t have been so tired yesterday, and he could have focused better and saved those animals. My selfish way of hogging his time surely didn’t help.
Who am I kidding? This is why I started the whole thing about being in a fake relationship for only one event. Why did I let it go this far? I don’t have time to date with my career, and he doesn’t either. Yet, when I stretch time limits with my job, lives of animals aren’t in danger. Now, look what I’ve caused. What a huge fucking mess.
He told me he didn’t have time to date, yet I pushed him. That’s two weekends now that I have consumed his time, and this last one had disastrous consequences.
By the time I reach my driveway, I am full blown crying. I don’t want to go back to Heartville for work today, I don’t want to do anything other than curl up in bed and sleep or lay there and wallow. I don’t know, I just don’t have the energy to do anything.