“She’ll do it,” he whispered. But the relief he’d been expecting didn’t come. Instead, he felt a wave of nausea pricking at his insides. He could see her expression and the intensity in her dusky eyes. And if she found out, could she ever forgive him?
But his rational mind was quick to rebuke, assuring him that he had every intention of accomplishing what they’d agreed to. It didn’t matter if a few weeks passed before he got to it. In the end, it would get done.
Still, he couldn’t help but pull at the neck of his shirt, feeling slightly strangled. Her presence still lingered in his house. A sweet fragrance, like honey touching his senses, would have him calling her in the next second to confess the whole rotten mix-up.
And that’s what it was. A mix-up. He could believe that, and in the end, she would no doubt believe it too. Just as soon as he could get the deal approved.
Then he’d tell her.
Chapter 9
“Elayna, I need you to stop fidgeting,” Dr. Jerkin said with a sigh. “And think back to your childhood. Pay attention to feelings, not events.”
Elayna was finally able to stop her feet from bouncing under her, and all thoughts of the upcoming day slowly faded. She sat still on the couch with her eyes closed, refusing to lay down. The whole idea felt ridiculous, but she wanted to get past the “just say no” challenge as quickly as possible since she was failing at it anyway, so she played along.
“Can you recognize a time when your feelings about the people around you changed?” Dr. Jerkin asked. “Is there a time, before and after, where you suddenly felt the need to win them over?”
Elayna could hear him settle into his chair and begin swiveling. She wondered if he realized he never held still either. Always swiveling. His chair squeaked in the silence, and she pressed her eyes together tighter. But her mind was finally able to drift.
She thought of time spent playing with friends and her reputation among them. She’d always been proud to be the brave one. Climbing to the roof of the school when they’d found a maintenance ladder, or speaking back to Mr. Rowan when he’d scheduled five days of dodgeball in a row. In grade school, she’d been unstoppable.
But middle school it was different. Everything was new, and there were so many kids she’d never known.
“Middle school was tough,” she said, still remembering sliding down in her seat when a question was asked about puberty in health class.
“And what happened just before middle school?” Mr. Jerkin asked.
“Um…” She thought back to the summer between grade and middle school, peeling back the layers of life clouded by time. “Well, I was best friends with a boy named Charlie. But that summer his family moved across the state. I’ve told you about him before. He lived down the street and we hung out a lot…” Her voice trailed away.
“And what happened to Charlie?” Mr. Jerkin’s voice was intentional. Practiced and clear, his chair no longer squeaked, and the silence deepened.
The memory of that summer came back clearly, like the brightness of the noon sun had spilled into her mind. The days had been unseasonably hot, but Elayna and Charlie could steal away to the coast whenever they wanted. It was a rare thing when they weren’t together. The day his sister died was like a knife tip to her chest, and she dreaded remembering, but the thoughts came anyway.
“His sister died,” she said blandly, vacantly, like it was being spoken from another place. “She’d been sent to find us and went to the beach first, where we liked to explore tidepools.” Elayna took a steadying breath. “But we weren’t at the tide pools. We’d gone to get a soda from the corner store because the waves were beating too hard against the rocks. It was the first time I hadn’t felt brave, and I suggested we leave.”
“And did his sister find you?” His voice was now part of her thoughts, taking her hand and guiding her through the commotion. Encouraging her to continue farther into the darkness.
“No. She never found us. A wave hit the tide pools and dragged her out.” Something touched Elayna’s face, a tear trailing along her skin.
“How did you feel when you heard the news?”
“I knew he wished it was me. They all did. He wanted his sister back. His mother wanted her daughter back… I wished it was me too.” Her voice broke, and as hard as she tried to surface from the memories, she was trapped, living it over again with the glances and whispers and shame. “I never wanted to hurt anyone again. I wanted to help everyone, to never be absent when I was needed. It was something I vowed to do and to be.”
“At such a young age, you put all this on your shoulders?” Mr. Jerkin was closer now, his voice was a touch louder, and he took her hand in his, patting it gently. “You know this was a twisted reality. You know a child cannot be responsible for everyone. You know you’ve been unfair to yourself, Elayna.”
When he said her name, she found her way back. Her eyes flickered open as another tear rolled down her cheek. She inhaled as if she’d been underwater, and Mr. Jerkin stood. He walked slowly back to his chair and sat, swiveling again. But he didn’t speak, he only gazed at her while she thought.
“I know,” she breathed, feeling like a sore hidden deep inside her had been cared for, had been bandaged. “But I’ve managed so far—”
“You’ve managed to wear yourself out while investing nothing in your own interests. You’ve managed to nearly disappear. But I want you to reappear this week. I want you to stop reacting to what everyone else needs and start chasing your goals. Find them and surpass them. That’s your mission this next month.”
A smile spread across Elayna’s face. Just being given permission was liberating when she’d never even realized she was captive. It breathed clean fresh air into her body, and when Dr. Jerkin stood from his office chair, she threw her arms around him.
“Thank you,” she whispered, although noticing the way he’d stiffened, she was sure this went beyond his normal psychiatric duties. Perhaps he was held captive as well.
He patted her back awkwardly. “Of course.”
She stepped away, noticing a little color in his cheeks.
“Now remember your goal.” He tilted his head at her. “Repeat it every morning or you’ll revert back to what has been your normal. Live it. Nurture this new thought or it will wither.”
“I will,” she promised, although the awakening she’d experienced only a few moments earlier was already beginning to fade. She pulled it to the forefront of her mind again. “I will.”
The walk across town was filled with sunshine again, the storm of yesterday having cleared out. Elayna breathed deeply and walked with wide, purposeful steps, planning all the while. She wanted to talk to Kayson about getting their ideas to the right people, where it would be the most beneficial.
Her cell phone buzzed, and she answered a call from her mother. Would she be able to shoot her second cousin’s bridal shower that evening?
Since her “say no” challenge was over, she answered without a thought. “Sure, Mom. I’ll be there.”
And based on the rather nonchalant thank you, her reply had been expected. But what did she expect out of the small gesture, anyway? Fireworks?