“No. I mean, I don’t think he made a point about it. He just went—” Ruth made a face at her stepsister. “What are you trying to say?”
“Nothing.” Kayla couldn’t seem to stop laughing. “I think it’s cute that he’s so excited about your work.”
“He’s not excited about it! He just went to see it.” There was no good excuse for her getting riled up about this, so she made herself calm down. “It’s not a big deal.”
The truth was it had felt perfectly natural when Carter suggested it. She hadn’t thought a thing about taking him to see what she’d done in the houses of her most recent clients. And she’d genuinely appreciated that he’d asked a lot of intelligent questions about her choices and really looked at things before he’d told her that he thought the designs were great.
But Kayla was right. It was really nice of him.
“He’s just like that,” Ruth added, explaining it to herself as much as Kayla. “He’s always super nice that way. With everyone.”
“So he’s not extra nice to you.”
“Why would he be?”
“I don’t know. Just that he seems to like you a lot. And you like him.”
Carter had a business dinner scheduled that evening, so she hadn’t been able to hang out with him that night as she normally would have done on a Saturday. Instead, she’d taken advantage of the free time to have a girls’ night with Kayla at her apartment. They’d watched two fluffy Christmas movies, eaten pancakes, bacon, and cupcakes, and had a very good time.
It was getting late, so Ruth would need to take Kayla back home soon, but there wasn’t any big hurry.
“Of course I like him,” Ruth said. “We’re friends now.”
“Is that all? Because it kind of seems like you like him, like him.”
Ruth was flushing. “I don’t.”
“You really don’t? Why not? He’s so nice. And he seems to really listen and care about people. Even me. And he’s seriously the best-looking guy I’ve ever seen. Don’t you think you might want him as more than a friend?” Kayla’s blue eyes were wide and innocent. She wasn’t just teasing now. She was asking for real.
Ruth held back her initial retort, which would have been a vehement (and false) denial. She tried to always tell the truth to Kayla when she could. So she took her time, thought it through, and finally said, “I don’t know. I think I could, to tell you the truth. Like him, like him.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“He doesn’t like me that way. So if I let myself get too... hopeful, I’m going to get crushed.”
“Are you sure he doesn’t like you? ’Cause it sure looks like he likes you to me.”
“Well, we’re pretending to be engaged. Of course he’s going to act like we’re in love.”
“But why would he have to act when it’s just the three of us? Even then, it seems like he’s really into you.”
“I don’t know what to say, Kayla. I really don’t. I sometimes think that too.” Ruth’s chest hurt as she processed the realization. And what it meant about how she’d failed to guard her feelings the way she’d tried so hard to do. “Sometimes I feel like, hey, maybe this isn’t all fake. Maybe there’s something there.”
She didn’t say so to Kayla, but she’d been thinking that more often in the past week, ever since Carter had implied that he was truly over Summer. If he wasn’t still hung up on her, then maybe there was the chance for him to fall for someone else.
Maybe even her.
He certainly enjoyed having sex with her. That much couldn’t be denied.
But sex was sex. It wasn’t love. And men did it all the time without it meaning anything. She knew from long experience that assuming good sex meant love would only lead a girl to another broken heart.
“So maybe there is,” Kayla said softly, responding to Ruth’s last comment. “Maybe there’s more there than you thought.”
“I don’t think so. He’s never said anything except that he wants to have fun with me until after Christmas. I think...” She swallowed hard over a little lump of regret. “If guys are interested, they make sure you know.”
“Always?”
“In my experience. And Carter is so honest and straightforward and careful about other people’s feelings. He wouldn’t— I don’t think he’d ever dream I was getting hopes I shouldn’t have. He’s never said a word about this thing between us being real. I really think...” The recognition was fully materializing now inside her. It felt right. She knew it was right. “I think those little hopes I’ve been having are the same thing I’ve always done with men. Deceiving myself into believing something that just isn’t true. I try to read signs and rationalize and give myself reasons to hope for guys to really fall for me. But they don’t. And I don’t want to... I like Carter too much to mess up our relationship by interpreting clues that aren’t there and putting pressure on him that would probably really upset him.”
Kayla was subdued now, matching Ruth’s own mood. “Are you sure? Maybe if you just say something, he’ll tell you he likes you too.”
It sounded like a dream to Ruth. Like a fantasy. A fairy tale she desperately wanted to be true. But long experience had taught her that it never turned out that way, and she wasn’t going to blow things with Carter.
She wanted to at least remain his friend. She wasn’t going to be the kind of needy, clingy girl she’d been in the past. The girl who had only ever embarrassed her.
She wasn’t going to do that with Carter.
“I think it’s better this way. If he wants to say something, he’ll say it. And if he doesn’t, then I’m just making things up. Things are still going well. This weird little thing with him has turned out well anyway.”
“You’ve seemed really happy,” Kayla murmured. “Happier than you’ve been in a long time.”
Ruth gave the girl a half hug. “I have been happy. I almost forgot what that felt like.”
THEY LEFT TWENTY MINUTES later so Ruth could drive Kayla back home. As they were saying goodbye, Ruth’s phone vibrated with a text. She waited until Kayla had gotten into her house before she picked up her phone to read the message.
It was Carter. Still with Kayla?
Just dropped her off. How’d the dinner go?
Good. You coming over?
Ruth hesitated before replying. Carter probably wanted to have sex. They didn’t spend nights together during the week, so the weekends were when they had sex. Her body was interested in that possibility too, but she took a minute to fully assess how she was feeling.
And now that she’d brought it out into the open, she could see it so easily. She did want to have sex with Carter tonight. But she also wanted a lot more. She wanted to be close to him. She wanted to hear about his business dinner and tell him about her time with Kayla. She wanted him to hold her as they fell asleep.
She wanted more. Too much. It might be natural—given how great Carter was and how lonely she’d been until the past couple of months—but it was also dangerous.