She and Carter ate on the couch. They ate a lot, and all of it was delicious. It was almost noon when Carter pushed the cart with the dirty dishes out into the hallway and shut the door.
“That was really good,” she said, smiling up at him from the couch. She was full now and suddenly tired again. She grabbed a cashmere throw from a chair and used it to cover up with.
“It was.” Carter went to poke at the fire.
She admired his tight butt in the thin cotton of his sweats with leisurely interest. “It feels like it should be Christmas.”
“It does kind of. But we still have a couple of weeks to go.”
“I know.”
Carter sat down on the foot of the couch. He gazed at her for a long time. His mouth opened a couple of times like he was going to say something.
For a few moments Ruth’s heartbeat accelerated. It felt like something was about to happen.
Something she really wanted to happen.
But she was fooling herself again. She’d obviously never stop doing that. Carter gave his head a brief shake and stood up.
He paced the room. Poked at the fire again. Looked at his phone. Then ended up sitting on the piano bench.
He began to riff softly. She recognized the tune—“The Little Drummer Boy.”
Stretching out more comfortably on the couch and telling herself not to expect miracles to happen, she said, “That’s nice.”
“I’m not really that great on the piano.”
“You sound pretty good to me. Some Christmas songs might put me in the holiday spirit.”
He smiled and nodded, looking as relieved as she was for something constructive to do.
He played for about twenty minutes, moving from Christmas carols to schmaltzy holiday songs. Ruth closed her eyes and tried to enjoy it. Tried to think happy, Christmas thoughts and not about how much more from Carter she wanted.
It didn’t work. She couldn’t think of anything else.
And then he moved into a familiar tune. One that caused a bittersweet ache of memory that rushed over her, overwhelmed her. “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” The notes he played were slower than they should have been. Almost haunting. Then he started to sing.
It wasn’t like his proposal. It was softer. Not dramatic or splashy. His singing was slow and soulful and strangely poignant, like he was as emotionally on the edge the way she was. She felt every note and every word in his warm, rich baritone. She felt it all the way down to her bones.
She was shaking helplessly when he reached the end of the song.
I just want you for my own
More than you can ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is you.
She covered her face with her hands and wept into her palms.
“Ruth?” He’d stood up from the piano bench. She couldn’t see him, but she heard the difference in his voice.
“Carter, please don’t. Please don’t!” She was sobbing helplessly now.
“Oh shit, baby. I’m so sorry. I tried not to. I really did try.”
She had no idea what he was talking about. She couldn’t stop crying. She couldn’t lower her hands from her face.
He’d hurried over and was sitting on the couch beside her. She felt his weight shift the cushions. “I didn’t mean to make you cry, but I just can’t seem to help... I know you said we would never work. I know that should have been my answer. But it feels so wrong. It can’t possibly be right. I know I’m supposed to be a good guy and just take the road that’s been laid out for me. I know if I don’t do that it will affect everyone around me. But I can’t... I can’t do it. I don’t want to run away anymore. And maybe this is the most selfish thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I have to at least... I have to at least try to get what I want.”
His words were spilling out of him in a way she’d never heard before. He didn’t talk like that. He didn’t babble stuff out the way she did. She had no idea what was happening, but she did manage to wipe her face and lower her hands. She blinked at him through the remaining tears. “What?”
That was what she said. What?
Carter reached over and took her face in his hands. His eyes were blazing with feeling. “Don’t you think there’s even a chance for us, Ruth? I’d never expect everything right away. But I love you so much. I want you so much. And I don’t care if it wasn’t supposed to be real. It is real. It has to be. I can’t be making this up. We’re so good together. You’ve made me come alive in a way no one else ever has. No one. Ever. And I think I could... I could be good for you too. If you’d let me. I don’t want the road laid out for me. I want this one. I want your road.”
She was so stunned she made a squeaky sound. It was all she was capable of expressing.
Carter evidently took it as a response. He continued, his face transformed with deep tenderness. “Didn’t you think this morning meant something? It had to mean something. It was so much more than sex. I couldn’t be so wrong about it. Ruth, I love you. Don’t you think there’s even the slightest chance you could learn to love me too?”
She sobbed again and this time couldn’t hide it with her hands since he still had her face in his strong grip.
Carter’s face twisted, and he let her go. “Is that a no?”
“No!” she burst out. “No, it’s not a no! I love you too! I love you more than anything!”
He blinked. “What?”
At least in these most important emotional moments, he was no more articulate than she was.
She swiped away her tears with the sleeves of her pajamas. “I love you, Carter. I have almost from the beginning. But I didn’t think you could ever—”
“You love me? For real?” His voice broke on the last two words.
“Yeah. I really do.”
He made a strange helpless sound and pulled her into his arms, hugging her so tightly she could barely breathe for a few seconds. Then he mumbled against her ear, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
At that, she gasped indignantly and pushed him back so she could glare at him. “Why didn’t I tell you?”
“Yeah.” His smile was sheepish. Adorable. “You’re always so good about saying what you think. I assumed you would have said something—”
She gave him a playful swat on the chest. “I was trying not to be needy and clingy. If you’ve felt this way for a while, then why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought I did. I told you I wanted to make it real. You said it would never work.”
She frowned as she thought back, reinterpreting that previous conversation now with the full context. “I didn’t think you were in love with me!” she burst out. “I thought you just wanted to go along with it because it was the road in front of you. Because it was easy and convenient.”
“Are you serious? Who the hell would get married just because it was easy and convenient if they weren’t actually in love?” There was a glint of humor visible beneath the exaggerated indignation on his face.
Ruth’s mouth dropped open before she realized he was teasing. With an outraged sound, she tackled him, and they wrestled around playfully for a minute before they settled together on the couch.