It’s always been hers, anyway, and it’s no use to me now.
Eighteen
Clara
“Who was that, Mom?”
I push off the door, blinking in Jacob’s direction. “It was just Dax, honey.”
“Uncle Dax?”
“Yes.” I gulp to wet my dry throat.
Jacob knows Dax as his uncle. As my best friend.
If Dax spent the night in my bed instead of the couch like he would when he visited in the past, it would only confuse Jacob. If I started dating Dax, all Jacob has known would be different. So much has changed for us over the last couple of years, and I don’t want to make yet another change.
It would be too much for Jacob.
And for me.
I thought I could do it. For the last few days, I thought I could go out on a date with Dax. Hold his hand as we left. Kiss him when he dropped me off.
But in the end, all the reasons not to—the same reasons I’ve been telling myself to ignore—became too loud. They filled my head with worry, and I couldn’t go through with it.
“Why didn’t he come inside? He always comes inside to hang out.”
“Oh.” I clear my throat, trying to figure out what to say to him—my head’s a mess. “It’s almost your bedtime, so he decided not to come in. He’ll come by another night.”
“Okay.” He shrugs, unfazed.
“Speaking of—why aren’t you in bed? I was just going to come in to read another chapter.”
“I heard the door, and now I’m thirsty.”
“Right.” I follow him into the kitchen, my mind swirling. How am I going to get through this? My emotions and morals and hormones are flying about, crashing into each other in the air around me.
I lean my hip on the counter for support, while Jacob audibly gulps his water down.
The pain on Dax’s face.
Despair.
“We’re not ready.”
“Now, I’m ready.” Jacob sets his glass down and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Hmm?” I blink.
“I’m ready for more Harry Potter.”
He walks ahead of me. I’d do anything for him, and right now, no matter how badly my chest aches, I’m doing the right thing by being cautious. That’s the only way I can sleep tonight.
“I saw you had a little visitor the other night.” Sienna leans over her porch rail, wiggling her eyebrows at me. “Come talk to me.”
I exhale, throwing the small shovel to the ground. “I need a break, anyway,” I mutter to myself as I survey my handy work. I needed to stay busy and distracted after I dropped Jacob off at school this morning, so I bought new flowers to line the small path to the front porch.
I throw my gloves to the ground and head to Sienna’s.
“Tea?”
“Sure. Thanks.”
“So, he was tall.”
“Who?”
“The guy a few nights ago.” She waves her hand toward my porch.
“Oh, that was my friend, Dax. The doctor I’ve been telling you about.”
“And?”
“He just wanted to ask me something. That’s all.”
“Oh.” She covers her lips with her fingers. “Did I overstep again? Shit. I don’t know why I keep putting my foot in my mouth.”
“No, no, no.” I set my glass of tea on the table between us. “You’re not overstepping at all. I’m just confused right now.”
Her shoulders remain tense, but she doesn’t say anything.
“We slept together. Over a week ago. Dax and I had sex—my God, that sounds so weird to say about my best friend.” I bury my face in my hands, finding it surprisingly easy to talk to Sienna. Or I’m that desperate to tell someone who doesn’t know me about the situation. They could offer some objective insight, and Sienna is definitely the person to give it to me straight. “I’m not sure where we stand now.”
When I peek at her between my fingers, she’s sitting up straight with a wide grin. “Tell. Me. Everything.”
“There’s not much to tell. It’s Dax. We’ve been friends since we were kids. We traded cookies at lunch, for Christ’s sake. Now we’re making out, and I can’t stop fantasizing about him wearing only his white coat while we have sex.”
“Oh my God.” She squeals, fist-pumping the air. “This is better than reality TV. Who needs to know how to set up cable, anyway?”
“You haven’t set up your cable yet?”
“No, but don’t change the subject. What’s the problem?”
“The problem is that I don’t want to ruin our friendship. And it’s weird, right? To date your best friend? The one who pointed out that you started your period but didn’t know that’s what it was and thought you sat in Kool-Aid?”
She bursts out laughing.
“I’m serious. I was mortified, but he never once mentioned it again, thankfully.”
“And now?”
“I don’t think he remembers that ever happened.” I shrug.
“No, I mean, what now? Who is he now?”
“He’s my…” I bite my lip, pausing like she can finish the sentence for me. “He’s still Dax. My friend who knows me better than anyone. My friend who’s great with my son.” I sigh like I’m in a Lifetime romance. “But it’s more too. He’s Dax. The guy with a six-pack I want to lick ice cream off of.”
She snorts. “Little Clara Mae. I didn’t think you had one kinky bone in you.”
“I didn’t, either. I’ve never thought about a guy this way before. Not even my own husband.” Before she says anything, I hold my finger up. “And my name is not Clara Mae.”
“Yeah, but it could be. You have the whole”—she waves over my outfit—“small-town, hickish vibe.”
“Hickish?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Do you not like that word?”
“No.”
“Duly noted.” She makes a gesture like she’s taking notes, but then her face falls. “It seems like you’re happy, but things didn’t seem that way when he came by. For one, he left, which isn’t a good sign. Why did you not invite him in for sexy role play?”
I fidget with my cuticles. “He’s been in love with me since we were kids,” I whisper, peering over her rail to her neatly trimmed front yard. “I thought the other night was just a spontaneous thing, and we’d figure out the next steps together. We’d fall in love together someday, if things worked out. But he’s been pining over me for years.”
“Even during the Kool-Aid fiasco?” She cringes like she doesn’t believe he could love me through that embarrassment.
“Yes. The Kool-Aid, cookies, my wedding to someone else, my son with another man.” My throat closes up, thinking that all these years, all the times Dax and I spoke or visited each other, there was always something more. It’s like looking back at my life with new prescription contacts on—I realize how blurry things were.
Admittedly, there was a time after we kissed when I thought Dax and I would find our way. That we’d be together, but the timing was never right.