I shrugged my shoulders, holding onto my pride. I needed to hear him say it. “If that’s what you want, Jax.”
He took a step closer, his head turning once to the right and then left. Once he surmised we had some privacy, he leaned in and his breath dusted my lips. My mouth watered as he whispered, “It’s what I want.”
When he walked away, his scent, a musky citrus, surrounded me. I closed my eyes and forgot how vacant I’d felt when he’d practically ran out on me this morning, and chose to only remember his sated smile, his real words. “I’ve never allowed myself to feel this good.” I remembered, even if sometimes I was treated like a ghost, I was somebody… somebody to him.
A little over thirty minutes later, Jax met me at my dorm, and was now treating me to the usual incessant tap-tap-tap of his foot. He was keyed up. Our hookup this morning, a silent weight between us. His chemistry midterm, a perfect deflection. I didn’t want to be that guy, though. The guy who took any chance to sit as close as possible to him. Close enough I could smell his sporty-smelling deodorant and the chocolate on his breath. There were about seven balled-up silver foils on my desk. Hershey’s Kisses. Jax’s drug of choice. I had to admit I loved how he always smelled like chocolate… tasted like it too.
“I don’t fucking get it.” He stood, only to drop his six-foot-four frame dramatically onto my full-size mattress.
“Are you even paying attention?” I raised my eyebrows when he growled.
The sound sent a stampede of goosebumps across my neck and arms.
“Who gives a shit about bio-chem?”
I chuckled. “I’m pretty sure every pharmacy program you’re going to apply to.”
His breathing deepened into the silence. His chest sinking and then rising in slow beats that made my heart sprint.
“It’s not going to happen,” he whispered, and my stomach fell. “Shit… I give up. I’ll never be him, Wild…” He exhaled and raised his muscled arm to cover his eyes. “I’ll never be him.” He spoke so quiet, I didn’t think the words were meant for me.
I stood from the chair I’d been perched on for an hour and a half and sat on the bed. The mattress joggled his big body and he lowered his arm. Sea green eyes met mine and I almost forgot to breathe.
“Then, be you, Jax.”
His expression darkened. “My dad has certain expectations.”
“Yeah, so did mine. And I told him to fuck off. I’m gay and he hates it, but he deals. And yours will too. It just takes time. I know my parents love me, it’s fear that makes them say stupid shit.”
He laughed without humor. “My dad’s gonna kick my ass when I tell him I’m failing bio-chem, there’s no way in hell I’m telling him my life has been a total lie, that I’m…”
“Gay, Jax. Just say it.”
His defiant eyes softened when he heard the crack in my voice. He lifted his fingers and trailed them over the thin muscles of my forearm.
“I don’t want to think about this shit right now.” I shivered as his finger curled into the fabric of my shirt. “Come here.”
I should’ve said no. Of course, I should have. But I could feel my pulse in my fingertips, hear my heart in my ears as he leaned up onto his elbow. His gray t-shirt stretched tight across his broad shoulders. His biceps etched into triceps I wanted to touch. His skin was smooth and tan, and when he wet his lips, something in my brain misfired. I knew better, but Jaxon Stettler made me stupid.
Inching closer, he smiled, and the dimple I craved popped in his right cheek. “Fucking kiss me already, Wild. Make everything good like you do.”
His words stabbed me, made my ribs feel small as the butterflies fought their way from my stomach to the gaping hole. I wanted to be more than an easy distraction. I made him feel good. Feel something other than fear and self-doubt. Hell yeah, I’d kiss him. I’d do everything I could to make that smile permanent.
Our mouths met in a crash of lips, teeth, and tongue. Jax didn’t do soft. He was rough on the basketball court, rough with everyone who knew him, and his kisses were just as brutal. But my favorite part was when he’d slow the burn of his kiss. He’d take and take and take, and then soothe with soft brushes of lips and fingertips. I liked to think those gentle lips, and touches, his sweet tastes, were only for me.
My eyes flashed to the bulge in his jeans as I leaned back to catch a breath. My right palm skimmed the denim. He let me unbutton him, unzip him until he was heavy in my hand.
“Fuck,” he moaned as he raised his hips, pushing his dick into my fist.
His head fell back as I applied more pressure. I admired the long expanse of his neck, the strain in his muscles as I stroked once and then again before leaning down and licking the crown of his cock. Salty and masculine. My left hand combed through the soft golden hairs at his shaft, and my hard-on pushed against the denim of my jeans. The way he shivered, how he fell back onto the bed, offering himself to me, my need for release, the throbbing pain was almost unbearable. I took his thick length all the way to the back of my throat as strong hands cradled my head, his fingers twisting into the short strands of hair at the nape of my neck. He pumped his hips, fucking my mouth, and I groaned around the head. The muscle in his jaw clenched with every suck, every slow lick, but I let him control the pace.
His fierce eyes found mine as I came up for air. Jaxon sat up and grabbed my waist with a powerful grip, rolling my lean body with ease until he was on top of me. He took off his shirt and helped me pull mine over my head. Just like this morning, his hands shook as he unbuttoned my jeans. I folded my fingers into his hair, pulling him to me. Skin to skin, I pressed my lips to his as he grasped our dicks with his hand. He worked us both at the same time until our hips found a hard rhythm, and our tongues pulsed and danced to it as well.
Jaxon’s sweet tongue was on my lips, my jaw. His teeth dragging across my ear lobe. He grunted, deep and low, as he brought us closer. Everything bottomed out when our eyes opened, and he spilled his secrets onto my chest and stomach. His hips twitched and he kissed me as I came just a few seconds later. He smiled, lazy, and his body spent, fell heavily onto mine. I drowned in the feel of him, the heaviness and how it pinned me, grounded me, in the perfect mess we’d made.
The heat of his breath on my neck, his mouth sneaking tastes of my skin, he said, “Every day…” He braced himself with his hands on either side of my head. “I’m hiding from something, someone, and with you… even if it’s only for an afternoon, I get to just… be me.” Something big bloomed in his eyes, the pupils eclipsing the green. “I’m not ready to face some shit, but I know one thing.”
I held his face between my hands, and his jaw ticked against my palm.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
WILDER
Present Day
It didn’t matter how many times I saw the number. I couldn’t believe it. Number three. I stared at the screen, read the headline over and over. Atlanta’s Own Wilder Welles Soars Straight to the Top with His Debut Release. Busy chatter and the whir of a coffee grinder blended into white noise. The familiar sounds offered me no rope to hold. I was lifted, and my heart, the smile on my face, couldn’t be contained.