WILDER
Then
“Oh God,” he muttered breathless against my mouth.
His teeth digging into my bottom lip as his fingers wrapped into my hair. The sticky heat of his release coated my stomach, the decadent weight of his body hovering over mine, the taut line of his jaw, the deep crease in his brow, he was trembling. Nothing had ever been this perfect.
“Loser.”
The word tore me from my private memory. Just another daily dose from the homophobic pricks who wished they could change me, fit me into some box that didn’t challenge their own masculinity. That sound. Their laughter. The joy. It was a deep darkness and it filled all the fucking space between me and them. I couldn’t connect with these assholes. I couldn’t feel that sunshine, that full-blown, goddamn light that poured in from the hallway windows. I tried to catch it with my fingers, but it was translucent as if I didn’t exist. Maybe to them I shouldn’t exist.
I was a ghost.
I hated that they’d made me feel like this. Like I was worthless, and as the marching band played down the hall, practicing for tomorrow’s game, I found myself alone. A silent laugh trapped itself inside my throat as I thought about what I’d done. What we’d done this morning. How maybe I’d gone and screwed up everything. I lowered my eyes to the yellowed pages of my book, Tolkien’s Fellowship of the Ring. I’d read it a thousand times, and it was usually a distraction, but as my eyes scanned the familiar words, my nervous fingers toyed with the shreds of denim surrounding my right knee. The cold of the concrete hallway floor seeped through to my spine, the hard wall pressing through my thin cotton t-shirt. The sentences blurred and curled as the passersby, the sheep, whispered about me, as I thought about him. You’d think being in college the high school dynamic would’ve faded, but when you’re the outcast, the openly gay kid at Eastchester University, even the simple act of reading in a hallway drew attention.
The corners of my lips tipped into a frown as I thought about what he’d said this morning. On his way out of my dorm room, blond hair disheveled with sex, cheeks blotched with pink, his green eyes pooled with confusion and clouded with his recent orgasm. I thought about how he’d be running across the basketball court about now. His smile wide, his full, broad shoulders tan, exposed in his uniform. He’d be gorgeous as always, and he’d have the taste of me still on his lips.
“No one can know, Wild. No one.”
I was a secret, an illusion, but he was in my bones, every slight, every snicker, and every trace of his fingertips on my skin. I’d let him take me and discard me. It wasn’t ideal, but I’d let him in knowing the consequences. The hazards of falling for the wrong guy. For Jaxon Stettler. All-American Jock. Closeted and unavailable. The same guy I’d crushed on since freshman year, tutored chemistry to all of our sophomore year, and finally, after those two years of longing, I’d gotten what I’d always wanted. Him. I closed my eyes and my thoughts drifted back to this morning.
The tang of his citrus body wash tickled my nose as I lowered my eyes back to the book in front of me. His scent was a punishment. A way the universe had found to torture me for my thoughts. He was straight, and I wanted him.
I’d studied him more tonight than the books I’d brought to tutor him. I’d noticed when he was frustrated or confused, he’d suck on his bottom lip. God, it was a beautiful lip. Soft and kissable. And the way his forehead turned into angry creases when I’d tell him he had the answer wrong. Even when he was in full-blown, self-doubt, crisis mode, he was stunning. It’s how he looked when he played basketball. Stern and focused and slightly ready to stab you. Call me twisted, but it was sexy. My favorite thing, though, was the way the left corner of his mouth lifted when he got the answer right. It was like a ton of bricks had fallen off his shoulders and his hard lines melted into this spectacular sideway smirk just for me. His crystal green eyes would light up, and I’d see something special I was sure he never allowed most people to see.
That thought brought my gaze to the thick mop of blond hair that fell into his eyes. He chewed his bottom lip as he poured over the notes I’d written along the side of his chem homework. The semester was halfway over, and I couldn’t believe my luck, or maybe it was a curse, that Jaxon Stettler was bent over a textbook in my dorm after midnight. He was oblivious to my watching eyes, but I wondered if he’d ever noticed my ogling before. If he’d ever wondered what I was thinking, like I wondered about him.
He groaned and let his face fall into his hands. “It’s late, I should go.”
“Or you could stay?”
Jax lifted his head, his green eyes dark in the dim light of the desk lamp. “You up for an all-nighter?”
“Will it help you pass?” I asked, my smile more for me. Having Jax in my room all night was a fantasy I’d love to live through. I was one of the lucky ones who’d scored a single this year.
The air in the room thickened as his eyes flicked to my mouth for the briefest of seconds.
He nodded. “I sure as hell hope so.”
When I’d asked him to stay, I never could have dreamt up what would happen the next morning. Part of me was glad for it, but the more sensible, less masochist side of me knew this would never work. I wanted him.
I exhaled a shaky breath and whispered to myself, “Yeah, but at what cost?”
The gym doors opened at precisely the time they did every Tuesday, and when the hall filled with booming bravado I stood and closed my book. A couple of guys from the team stared at me as they passed, their eyes wide and wondering. Their expression twisted like they smelled something funny. I ran my fingers through my loose, jet-black waves, let it flop over my forehead, and obscure my eyes, my fear. I wasn’t afraid of them, more of what they’d see when I looked at Jax. Because even though he ran out on me this morning, we’d shared something. And maybe he wasn’t ready to broadcast it, but that didn’t have to mean he didn’t care.
“I’ll be ready in twenty,” Jax said, his green eyes igniting me, making all the empty space in my stomach, the hollow, disappear.
One of his friends shoved his shoulder from behind. “Look, it’s your boyfriend.”
Jaxon’s eyes narrowed enough I noticed, his Adam’s apple working as he swallowed. Anyone else would’ve missed his anxious glance in my direction. But I hadn’t, and the warmth from this morning’s memory spoiled in my throat.
“Fuck you, Carson,” I crooned with a staged smirk.
“You wish fa—”
“Wilder.” Jax blurted my name, interrupting the bigoted asshat he called a friend, and my heart tripped. “You got those notes from Professor Stark like I asked?”
“Amino acids? Sure did.” I licked my lips and his eyes fell to my mouth. I ignored it. Leaning over, I grabbed my book bag. “I’ll be at the carrel when you’re ready?”
Carson eyed me, the hate turning his brown eyes black before he turned and headed toward the locker room. Jax lingered behind, his team long gone.
“Can we study at your place today?” he whispered, and the husky vibration of his voice rattled my resolve.
I was a glutton, and all I wanted to do was gorge myself on him. On the way he made the hair on the back of my neck rise. How without even touching me, I ached for him.