Lindsey and I had hit it off immediately, spending every waking moment together. We’d spend hours just talking and goofing off, but after a few months, it’d grown into something more. Lindsey made it easy to fall for her. She wasn’t only beautiful, but she was also sweet, wholesome, and good at heart. I never had to worry about her judging me or having preconceived notions about my being a foster kid. She accepted me as I was and never made me feel unworthy of her love—even though I knew I didn’t deserve it.
It hadn’t been easy keeping our relationship hidden from her folks. Hell, it was written all over our faces anytime we were in the same room together, so I had no idea how they’d missed it. I’d thought things between us would’ve changed when I turned eighteen and the time had come for me to move out, but it hadn’t. Instead, our connection only grew stronger.
Beep ...... Beep ...... Beep ……
The doctors had removed Lindsey’s ventilator, and I knew our time together was coming to an end. I sat there in that hospital, holding her hand and staring at her angelic face, wanting so desperately to turn back the clock to the night of the accident. Then, I could’ve changed my work schedule. I could’ve driven her and her friends to the bowling alley that night. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have been sitting there blaming myself for Lindsey lying in that hospital bed. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have felt like my world was coming to an end.
Beep ...... Beep ...... Beep ......
With her parents standing on the opposite side of the bed, I stood up and leaned over Lindsey, placing my mouth close to her ear as I whispered, “You’re it for me, Lindsey. You’ll always be my girl.”
Beep .............
I was still holding on to her hand when she took her last breath. She was my best friend. My lover. My family. My home. I could feel a cold, deep darkness creep over me as I stood there, staring at her beautiful, lifeless body. I’d had a similar feeling the day my folks had died, but it was nothing like this. The floor seemed to sink beneath my feet, lowering me into a pit of abandonment and regret, and that feeling was only made worse when Lindsey’s father stepped over to me and said, “She loved you, Noah. Planned on spending her life with you. I hate she’s not going to get that chance.”
“I’m sorry. I should’ve been there ... I’ll never forgive myself for what happened to her.”
“No one blames you for what happened, son. You gotta know that.”
“I blame myself. Always will.”
As I walked out of that hospital, I became a different man. I was shattered, and everyone around me knew it. I’d managed to stick around for the funeral, but as soon as it was over, I enlisted. Lindsey’s folks tried to talk me out of it, said they didn’t want to lose both their daughter and me, but I couldn’t stay. Days later, I packed my bags and headed off to boot camp. I needed an escape from the torment of my memories; unfortunately, an escape wasn’t what I’d found. Instead, going to war had only made the darkness inside me grow stronger until it completely took over. I was a shell of the man I once was, devoid of feeling or empathy for those around me, and I feared I’d never find a place where I’d feel like I truly belonged.
I was a man simply meant to be broken. Life had made me that way, and there was nothing I could do to change it—not that I ever would. The darkness that dwelled inside me rendered me capable of doing the unthinkable, making me the kind of enforcer the Sinners needed to handle anything.
Remington
There were days I wished I could go back to when I was younger, not for any other reason than to feel the way I did back then—safe, loved, and protected. When I was a kid, I didn’t know anything about the sting of rejection or the heartbreak of losing someone you love. I certainly didn’t know anything about being on my own and fending for myself. I had two parents who were always there, looking after me like good parents do. No matter what mess I found myself in, they loved me and encouraged me, doing whatever they could to make sure I was okay. If only they’d been there with me when I agreed to go out with Thomas Long. Maybe then, they could’ve talked me out of it and saved me a whole lot of trouble.
After graduating from UT Knoxville, I moved to Nashville and started an internship with Davis and Cole, a small marketing company in the inner city. Since my internship had gone so well, they decided to take me on as one of their marketing analysts. It wasn’t the position I was hoping for, but there were plenty of opportunities for advancement. It wouldn’t be easy. I’d have to spend a lot of time and effort to prove to them and myself that I could be a real asset to their firm. At least I had Madeline to help keep me entertained. I could still remember the day we had met.
It was my first day, and I was a nervous wreck. I’d just started getting my desk together when she came be-bopping around the corner in her army-green, linen overalls and tank-top. Her dark auburn hair was braided into two long pigtails, her wrists were covered with chunky bangle bracelets, and her eyes were outlined with a thick black eyeliner, making her green eyes seem even brighter. While her appearance had been a lot to take in, her smile was warm and inviting, and the second she started talking, I knew we were going to be great friends. And I was right. From that moment forward, Madeline and I would spend our lunch breaks talking about anything and everything, and eventually, we started meeting up after work. It was during one of our latest excursions when she suggested I meet a friend of hers. Acting completely innocent, she’d taken a sip of her drink and said, “I have this guy I think you should meet. His name is Thomas, and—”
“No way.” I started shaking my head. “Stop right there. Don’t even think about it.”
“Just hear me out.”
“There’s nothing for you to say. I’m not going on a blind date.”
“Why not?” she pushed. “He’s a great guy. Has a great job and a great personality.”
“Oh ... my ... God... If you say great one more time, I’m going to lose my mind.”
“Okay. Jeez.” She threw her hands up in the air with frustration. “You don’t have to be such a negative Nancy about it.”
“I’m not being a negative Nancy. I just ...”
“I know it’s not easy, but it’s time for you to put yourself out there, Remi. You’re an awesome chick, and I happen to think you and Thomas would really hit it off.”
“You’re one to talk,” I fussed. “You haven’t been dating, either.”
“Ac-tual-ly ... I have been kind of talking to someone.”
“What!” Madeline hadn’t had the best of luck with men. In fact, she hadn’t had any luck at all. Chuck, the last guy she’d dated, ended up cheating on her with one of her roommates, and it broke her heart. After that, she’d sworn off men entirely, so I was surprised that she’d been seeing someone. “Since when?”
“A couple of weeks ago.” She grimaced with a shrug. “I didn’t want to jinx it by telling anyone.”
“Not even me?” I teased. “I thought you told me everything.”
“Normally, I do, but I just wanted some time to see how things went before I started talking about it.”