Saturday night, I was intent on making things between us better. I made Lily’s favorite dinner, it was a beautiful night, and she sat on the back deck with the baby cradled in her arms, looking peaceful for a change.
“Do you want to eat outside?” I asked, poking my head out from the cabin. “Or should I set up dinner in here?”
“I’m not hungry.”
I frowned. “You didn’t eat anything today.”
“I can’t help it if I’m not hungry.”
“You need to eat, Lily.”
“Fine. I’ll have a little.”
“Inside or outside?”
She shrugged. “Wherever.”
I sighed and went inside to plate the food. Since we had Leilani’s bouncy chair and a dozen other contraptions inside the cabin, I figured it would be easier to eat there. I set everything up at the table and lifted the baby’s favorite vibrating chair onto the bench seat between where we’d sit.
“Come inside. Dinner’s on the table.”
Lily took her seat with Leilani still cradled in her arms. I reached to take her, and she abruptly twisted her body so I couldn’t touch the baby.
“What the hell, Lily? I was just going to put her in her seat so we can eat.”
“I can eat while I hold her.”
“I didn’t say you weren’t capable. But there’s no reason you can’t take a few minutes to have a meal in peace. We’ll put her right here between us.”
“That chair is too bouncy. It’s not safe. What if we hit a wave and it flips over?”
My forehead wrinkled. “A wave? We’re docked, Lily. In the inlet. And it’s flat as a lake outside today.”
“You don’t care about us.”
“You know that’s not true. I just want to be able to eat a meal with my wife for a few minutes. Is that asking too much?”
Lily looked down at the baby and ignored me.
I sighed. “How about if I hold the baby while you eat. I’ll eat when you’re done.”
“No. I got her. Go ahead and eat.”
I felt the last few weeks coming to a boil. I lost my patience. “Give me the baby, Lily.”
“No.”
“This is ridiculous. You’re not the only one capable of taking care of her. She’s both of ours, you know.”
Again my wife ignored me. I threw the napkin on the table and stormed out toward the deck. “Enjoy your meal with our daughter.”
Later that night, I felt bad for walking out and yelling at Lily. The baby was sleeping in the bassinet in our bedroom, and Lily was in the shower with the door open and the monitor on the sink, which was only five feet away. When she emerged from the steamy bathroom, I was sitting on the bed waiting to apologize. But two things snagged my attention first—the deep dark circles under Lily’s eyes, and how thin she looked wearing just a spaghetti-strap nightgown. She had lost a hell of a lot more than baby weight.
Shit.
I took Lily’s hand as she went to pass by. “Come here.”
She glanced over at the bassinet and hesitated. The baby was sound asleep, so I gave her a little tug and guided her onto my lap. “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier.”
She shook her head and looked down. “It’s fine.”
“No. It’s not. I just…I miss you, Lily, even though you’re right here.”
“I’m taking care of the baby. What do you expect?”
I sighed. “I know. And I want to help more. But you won’t let me.”
“I don’t need the help.”
“It’s not about you needing help. I believe you could do this all on your own if you had to. But you don’t have to. I’m right here. And I want to help. I miss holding Leilani and spending time with her. And I miss you, too. You haven’t kissed me in months. Every time I try to give you even a peck on the lips, you give me your cheek or your forehead.”
Lily’s eyes started to fill, and she looked down, twisting her hands. I cupped her chin and gently guided her so our gazes met. “I miss you, babe. You’re right here. But you’re a million miles away at the same time. I wish you’d talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”
I’d been doing so well—it seemed like I might’ve been getting through to her. Until…I questioned what was going on in her head. That was it. I saw the fire ignite in her eyes.
She jumped off my lap. “I’m not fucking crazy.”
“I didn’t mean to imply you were.”
“Get out!”
“Lily. I—”
She pointed to the door and screamed louder. “Get out!”
I stood and put up my hands, showing her my palms. “Lily. Stop. I didn’t mean—”
Leilani let out a wail. Our yelling had startled her awake. Lily marched across the room to the bassinet and scooped our daughter into her arms. She immediately stopped crying. Yet Lily said, “Now look at what you’ve done.”
“She’s fine, Lily. Look. She’s falling back asleep already.”
“Leave, Grant! Just get out!”
I looked my wife in the eyes, the girl I’d known since we were fourteen, and what I saw scared the shit out of me. No matter how deeply I searched, I couldn’t find any sign of sense. She looked almost deranged. “I’m not going anywhere without Leilani.”
Lily’s eyes widened. “You’re not taking her anywhere.”
I raked a hand through my hair. It was pointless to try to talk to Lily when she was in this frame of mind. But the look in her eyes made my blood run cold. I wasn’t leaving my daughter alone with her in this condition. Blowing out a ragged breath, I shook my head. “I’m going next door to sleep in the guest berth. I’ll talk to you in the morning when you calm down.”
***
I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned half the night, hating what things had turned into between Lily and me. But even more than that, I was worried about my wife. Being a foster care kid, she’d bounced around a lot, so she didn’t have too many friends. And since she’d aged out of the system and my mom was gone now, no one was keeping an eye on her—no one except me. So it was up to me to push when I thought she needed help. The problem was, when anyone pushed Lily, she pulled away. Lately, it felt like my choices were to be her caretaker or her husband. Being both wasn’t really possible.
But things had deteriorated to a point where she was at risk and needed help more than she needed a husband. And taking care of her and the baby was more important than her being pissed off at me.
Feeling the need to check on her, I climbed out of bed and went to our bedroom. The door was closed, and I tried to creak it open quietly so I wouldn’t wake either of them. I just wanted to see that she was sleeping soundly. The lower level of the boat was a lot like a basement when things were shut tight, so I couldn’t make out anything in the pitch dark, even once I’d managed to open the door wide enough to see inside. Everything was so still, and I couldn’t hear either of them snoring or breathing. So I walked in and went to the bed for a closer look.
There was a lump on the bed, though I couldn’t be sure if it was the blanket or Lily. Leaning down closer, I still couldn’t hear any signs of breathing. So I gently felt around, still expecting my hands to hit a warm body. But the only thing I found was a pile of cold covers.