Now I’m not so certain what’s real. The air is electric with fear. Kai remains on edge. Even Cobain’s demeanor makes me believe we’ll be dead soon. Neri said something in the gas station bathroom that made me think if we’re attacked that I should do what I could to end Anika and myself.
But maybe I misunderstood. After this morning, I can’t be sure what’s happening.
I don’t need to know. My brain shuts out those questions. I can’t think beyond this very minute.
And right now, I’m happy. Though the room smells like chemicals, the bed is big enough for three people. Anika climbs all over it before asking to take her toys from her yellow backpack.
“Toys out, Mama?”
She says the three words with confidence. When Kai is nearby, she knows she can talk. No more silence. He wants her to speak. In fact, he asks her to name the toys as she pulls them from her bag.
There’s Doll, which is an ugly colorful plastic thing from a McDonald’s Happy Meal. Then there’s Tablet, which we played on all day. She likes the Candy Crush game because of all the noises it makes. Then there’s her favorite, Duck. She shows the yellow stuffed animal to Kai. Despite his worries, he smiles at her and pokes the duck’s tummy.
“Your toys are coming with us to our new home.”
Anika shares his smile, though she doesn’t really understand what he’s saying. Her gaze is full of trust and love. Kai still sometimes scares her because he’s a man, but she also craves his approval.
I feel the same way. Even though I’m afraid, and my stomach feels weird after all day in the car, I pretend nothing’s wrong. Instead, I want to enjoy every moment we have left together.
Kai’s gaze warms when I smile at him. His desire feels like magic. Wanting to show him that I’m okay, I ask if he’ll play songs on his phone.
Anika and I have been cooped up in the back seat all day, and I know she’s restless. I decide to bounce around, so she will too. We’re supposed to be dancing, but I know we’re doing it wrong. Still, my daughter holds Doll in her hand and Duck against her chest while jumping from foot to foot. When she nearly falls, she looks to see if she’s in trouble. I smile and steady her. Realizing no one is angry, she laughs.
“You did this,” I whisper to Kai. “Our smiles are because of you.”
Despite his warm grin, he worries about the people who run this safe house. I worry about them too, but I have no power to fix anything. Kai feels the pressure of being right. His sister is next door, and he worries over her. I know he’s probably happy to have Cobain around to help, but we don’t know him well either. I suspect the large man only came along because he’s interested in Neri.
Men do reckless, even stupid things for a woman’s attention.
Kai could have left Anika and me at the roadside vegetable stand. He owed us nothing while he adores his sister and wants her safe. They should have walked away and gone on with their vacation. But Kai saw something in me worth saving. I’m too tired and afraid to worry if he’ll regret that decision. I only want to make him happy.
After dancing around like a couple of sinners, Anika and I climb on the bed where we eat a sandwich from the cooler. I find the flavors too strong, and Anika spits out one piece of meat. Kai laughs at her reaction. We can’t help giggling at his amusement. Kai’s light is so bright and beautiful. He’ll never know how amazing he seems to us.
A creaking in the hallway kills his smile. He stands and waits for more noises. Typing into his phone, he’s likely checking on Neri. His reaction softens, and he sits back down.
“We might need to share a single room,” he says as Anika and I eat a cracker. “Have you two and Neri sleep while Cobain and I take turns keeping watch.”
“Okay,” I say, feeling dumb and useless.
Kai’s eyes suddenly light up. “Did you ever watch Disney movies as a kid?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Many of them aren’t suitable for someone like Anika,” he says and smiles at my little girl when she hears her name and grins at him. “The moms and dads always, well, you know, go away. She won’t understand, but I think we can find a few that aren’t so sad.”
“The last movie I remember watching with my mom was ‘Frozen.’ Is that still around?”
Smiling wider, Kai joins us on the bed and finds the movie on the tablet. Anika doesn’t pay attention for the first twenty minutes, but I’m entranced.
For so long, this part of my life—a childhood where I watched this movie with my mother—felt like a lie. I started to second-guess my memories. At the homestead, I heard over and over how my old life was filled with suffering and sin. My mom wasn’t a good person. She didn’t love me. I wasn’t happy there. Eventually, I began to doubt everything.
Maybe Kai realizes how the movie awakens a long-dead part of me. He rests the tablet in his lap and wraps one of his arms around my shoulders. I know he probably doesn’t care about the movie. Kai just wants to make me happy. His goodness proves the evil of the Children of the Black Sun. They hate him and everything he stands for, yet he is the best person I’ve ever known.
≫TWO SPENT SHELLS≪
KAI
Around nine, Cobain, Neri, and the dog join us in the bedroom. Anika is mostly asleep while Sunny watches me with half-open lids. As much as she wishes we could share a bed like last night, I can’t lower my guard.
Cobain must agree because he offers little complaint when I suggest they join us. Neri rests her weapons on the nightstand and climbs in next to Anika. The three of them fall silent on one end of the small room while Cobain and I sit in chairs on the other.
“You should sleep first,” he says.
Having grown up with a man unwilling to bend, I don’t argue with Cobain. If I ever disagree with any of his plans, I’ll just ignore them and do my own thing. Debate is never an option with men like Cobain and Papa.
In the quiet room, I doze easily. The dog rests in front of the door, blocking entry. I don’t know if Cobain convinced Robin to sleep there, but I appreciate his location.
Cobain doesn’t entertain himself on his phone. He instead stares at the bed where my sister sleeps. I can’t imagine what he’s thinking. Well, I could possibly guess, but I’d rather not.
I doze for a few hours before waking and allowing Cobain to rest. He says nothing before closing his eyes. The room is silent, and I feel restless. My mind finally zeros in on a mental image of Sunny and Anika exploring the beach near my home. I see Mama and Neri, walking hand in hand like they do when gossiping. Papa watches over us all, always protecting his family.
Around three, I notice a text from my father. I smile as if he sensed I was thinking of him. Reading the text, my smile fades.
“My contact at the Company says the cult put a bounty on you. AMC won’t take the job. The ones at your safe house are not them. Get out. Trust no one. Burn it all down if you have to.”
I read the message twice before reaching over to wake Cobain. He opens his eyes as if he hadn’t been sleeping despite hours passing since he last stirred.
“We have a problem,” I whisper.
Cobain looks at the message and rubs his eyes. “Give me a few minutes to find out when the kill order went out, how much the bounty sum is, and what info they have on us. That way, we’ll know what the assholes in this house know.”