“Why do you think I want to hear about that shit?”
Finding his gaze, I murmur, “I care if you crave me.”
Cobain flicks off the kitchen light and prowls closer. “What do you think happens next?”
“You either agree to remove your pants, or you don’t. I see no third option.”
His gaze studies the room. Not for possible threats. Cobain is searching for answers to the questions in his large, angry head.
“My mother was murdered by her lover,” he says and switches off the lamp I turned on earlier. “He stared into her eyes while strangling the life from her.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I watched him do it.”
No words can sum up how I feel. Instead, I simply say his name and hope he understands. Cobain doesn’t descend into tears over a long-ago memory. He only sits on the other end of the couch.
“People in our business often kill their lovers,” he mutters after a minute of silence.
“How many have you murdered?”
“Nine,” he says instantly.
I fight the urge to roll my eyes at his lie. “How did you end up in this line of work?”
“Priscilla took me in after my mother died. She was rich and gorgeous but lacked a heart. Yet she saw my potential. I was her bodyguard and lover. When Priscilla grew bored of me in her bed, she sent me out to do her dirty work. I was in Greece when she died in Cairo in a manner very similar to my mother.”
“Did you love her?”
“I’ve never loved anyone besides my mother, and I don’t think I lost much sleep over her death.”
“Do you think I’ll murder you, Cobain?”
His blank expression shifts into an annoyed one. “As if you could.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m unbearably sly,” I whisper and crawl toward him. “I’m like a cat, waiting to trip their beloved owner at the top of the stairs. Down you’ll fall, cursing my name and wondering why I played you so coldly.”
Cobain doesn’t want to lower his guard. He’s smart to distrust me and keep his heart safe. We’re on the run. Eventually, one of us might have to cut the other one loose to survive. We both know I’m more likely to hurt him than he is me. To protect my brother, I’m willing to destroy just about anyone.
But being on the run also means we might not see tomorrow. And here we are, alone in a dark room with our bodies pressed together. Why not enjoy a taste? Our hearts can grow hard and cold in the morning sun. But in the dark, we’ll pretend there’s only us and no tomorrow.
≫THREE SPENT SHELLS≪
SUNNY
The wickedness in my heart drowns all my hopes. Kai entered my life so randomly, changing everything with so little effort. Why couldn’t he disappear as quickly?
What would I do if the sun rose without him returning? I don’t know where we are or who to turn to in this world. In so many ways, I’m as much of a child as when my father brought me to the homestead years ago.
Next to me, Anika remains unbothered by what happened. She didn’t understand how the loud noise was a gunshot or that a man died outside the door. Anika just wants to sleep. Cuddled against my body, she doesn’t worry about anything.
The darkness in my heart warns that Kai will die because he met me. I’m not worth his suffering. He should have left us behind.
Then I’m reminded that my baby would have grown up to be raped and forced to birth children she didn’t know how to raise. Did I want that for her?
No, but then the darkness claims I’m willing to sacrifice Kai for Anika’s happiness. No matter what I think, the ugliness in my head makes me feel guilty.
I crawl away from a sleeping Anika and sit at the end of the bed. With my knees pressed to my chest, I wrap my arms around my legs and close my eyes. I need to stop feeling. Kai made me think my happiness mattered. That I should express myself and stop hiding.
But he’s wrong. My feelings are bad. They distract me. I want to be numb. I need to stop hoping. I must accept that I cause bad things to happen. I brought this trouble on Kai and Neri and then Cobain. My inability to get in righteous standing at the homestead is why Anika suffered. I fail at everything. I poison the lives of everyone I touch. My father died because I couldn’t behave. Did he love me? Was he really bad, or did I make him push me away?
The sight of Kai at the doorway should scare away my dark thoughts, but he’s only a reminder of how I’ve ruined his life. He was on vacation. Now he’ll die, and his parents’ hearts will break. All because of me.
Without saying a word, Kai guides me out of the room and to the hallway where the man died. His blood is probably under my feet, and he’s dead because I came to this place.
“I’m bad,” I say, pushing away Kai’s hands. “I did this.”
I don’t want him to hold me. I’m why Kai can’t go home. I ruin things. They told me at the homestead that I was why my mom died. I made her sick. If I didn’t change, I’d kill Anika too. Now I’m the reason Kai will die. I destroy everyone.
“Fear is normal,” he says in that soft, calm voice he always uses. “Shame is too. Your life was steeped in those negative feelings. Soon, you’ll be somewhere safe, where you can learn new feelings.”
“We’re never going to get there,” I whimper. “It’s so far away, and we drive for so long, and we never get any closer. We’re going to die.”
Kai won’t let me push him away. He holds me in his arms until I stop fighting. I submit like I did with the men at the homestead. I tried to fight them, but they hurt me, and I wanted the pain to stop. Making my heart dead helped, but then I had Anika, and I couldn’t be completely cold. I had to feel something for her. Now Kai wants me to feel everything.
“I’m sin,” I whisper in the dark hallway as his strong arms hold me against his body. “I cause bad things to happen.”
“Those cult people think music is a sin. They think Anika’s toys are sins. They think smiling and laughing are sins. They think love is a sin. They’re idiots because those things make life worth living. If you’re a sin in their eyes, it’s only because you’re bright and wild in their world filled with dull, weak people. You’re not like them. That’s what I saw in your eyes at the roadside stand. You called to me, and I couldn’t walk away.”
“But now you’re going to die.”
“No.”
That one word said so calmly as if I’m silly to consider such a thing.
“They’re coming after us,” I whisper, wanting him to admit we’re doomed. “They won’t give up.”
Kai brushes his lips against my forehead, and I want to push him away. I hate feeling lust. Desire is bad. Everything good is bad. I need to stop feeling, but he woke up my body and mind that first day. Now they won’t return to sleep.
“We’ll drive more,” he says, remaining calm despite my willful nature. “We’ll stop in not such nice places. I’ll kill people who stand in our way. We’ll feel fear and anger at times. Soon, we’ll arrive at an airport. You know what that means, don’t you?”