“I have work.”
“I know, and you’ll be safe there. Jase is sending some guys to watch the place.”
I peek up past the living room windows and note the lights from a quarter mile outside on the edge of Seth’s property. “Like he has guys watching out there.”
“Yeah, they’re on watch right now. Everything is safe and protected as long as you’re here, at the Cross estate or at work.” His steely blues hit me hard when he tells me, “If you go anywhere else, tell me. They’ll follow you and keep you safe. That way I can work, knowing you’re all right.” He’s looking at me with his brow raised as if I wouldn’t tell him.
“I don’t have a death wish,” I try to joke but the mention of death forces me to subconsciously raise my hand to my chest. It splays over my heart and I consider for only a half second telling Seth about my condition and then I do what I’ve been doing. I drop it and my hand, using my other to squeeze his hand tighter.
The plan right now regarding my systolic heart failure diagnosis: I’m going to call and make an appointment with the specialist and until that appointment, I’m going to take my medicine and pretend like pills will fix it. I would rather hide it until I know what my options are.
“Hey.” Seth’s firm voice brings me back to problem A, away from problem… where does my heart even fall on the list? “Promise me you’ll let me know where you are at every step and you’ll listen.”
A small submissive smile graces my lips, meant to appease him. “I promise, I’ll listen.”
With his hand still wrapped around mine, he taps my knuckles against his thigh rhythmically as he looks at me, searching for something. He doesn’t like whatever he sees, judging by his expression, which is raw and open. He’s undecided.
“What’s wrong?” I question.
“It’s just that I can see you taking off again, even though you’re sitting there telling me that you won’t. I know I want to prevent that and I know how, but you don’t like the idea of being punished,” he answers without hesitation. “See that?” He stops the rhythmic tapping and holds up our hands, still embraced but barely. “You tried to pull away at just the thought of it. And you did that yesterday too, when we were—”
“In jail,” I finish the statement bitterly. I’m pissed that he has the nerve to bring it up again, but I don’t want to fight. Swallowing, I press my fingers back between his and scoot closer to Seth. “I don’t like the way you say it.”
“Is that all? Because I don’t think that’s it. I don’t think you want me to be…”
My gaze moves from his to the hole that’s still in the wall. I was able to clean up the pieces of drywall before the lawyer came in, but the remaining evidence of the other night is still there. I don’t want it here. I don’t want anything to do with it.
When I move to stand, I have to rip my hand away from Seth’s. How dare he bring it up.
“You don’t get to punish me for leaving because you told me you killed my father.” I don’t even know how I’m able to say the words. The truth kills me, it chokes me, it smothers me. I don’t want it.
“That’s not—”
“It is!” I scream at him, shaking my head wildly. I can’t take it, and my heart races. I can’t go through with this conversation. I simply can’t control what it’s doing to me. “Please don’t do this. Don’t hurt me like that.”
“Is that what you think I want to do?” As he speaks, he raises his voice like I do. “I don’t want to hurt you!” He says it like I’ve spoken something offensive. As if I’m in the wrong. A moment passes with silence and the next time he speaks, his voice is calmer, lower. His hands are in the air like he’s approaching a wild animal. “It’s not about hurting you.”
“It’s not about the act of punishing me,” I say and it takes everything to get the words out. “It’s why!” Thump, thump, thump, the beating races through me, and I struggle to breathe.
Calming myself, I try. I try to appease him while protecting myself. “My father wasn’t a rat. You didn’t kill him. I don’t want to believe it.”
“Laura, it’s about you leaving—”
“Stop it. Both times. Both times I left…” My strength weakens and my pulse is hard in my veins. I’m hot all over. “Can’t you understand? I don’t want to remember why I left.”
I cut him off the moment he tries to speak. “You can’t bring it up. It brings it all back and I can’t go back, Seth. I can’t live in the past, not when my present—” My throat tightens, silencing the rest of my thought.
“I’m not trying to hurt you,” he says. His tone is calming and I know he’s telling the truth. I know he is, but I can’t allow the mention of it. Everything tumbles downward after it. I can’t stop the falling of memories.
“I’ll make a truce,” I offer him, desperate to end this. “I never bring it up, and you don’t hold my sin over my head.”
“What’s that?” His question is softly spoken.
“I never left. I never left you. I had no choice. If you get to live with a lie, so do I.”
Only feet apart, we couldn’t be further away from one another. Both of us struggling, but we can live this way. I know we can. We can pretend and be happy. That’s all I want right now, for a little while. All I have is a little while anyway.
“Can’t we just pretend? Please,” I beg him. “I don’t want to remember why I left. You say you’re going to punish me for it, but saying that only brings it all back up. I don’t want that. I don’t want to remember. Can’t we just pretend?”
“We can’t pretend that you don’t leave when things get bad.”
My voice raises and I slam my hand against his chest, trying to shove him away as my cadence cracks. “And you can’t pretend that things aren’t fucking horrific.”
I can pretend all I want but we are so badly broken, and the realization weakens my knees. I’d fall if Seth wasn’t still holding me.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg him again as he pulls me into his chest. “Please, I don’t want to cry anymore.”
Seth’s hand on my shoulder, his forearm against my back, steadies me. He rocks me softly and it’s completely at odds with everything else. We are so broken, but this is all I have and all I want. I’ve lived my life without Seth in it. I can’t do that anymore despite everything I now know.
It’s a whirlwind of emotions and betrayal, yet a constant in the storm is how he makes me feel when we’re like this. Me, broken and not knowing how to fix myself and him, steadily holding me.
“I need you,” I whisper. Pulling away from the warmth of his chest, I tell him, “I don’t need you to punish me.”
“I need to know you won’t run.” His answer is simple.
My gaze is beseeching. In an attempt to crack this armor he’s put up, I say, “I’m telling you I won’t.”
His lips part and I can almost hear his unspoken words declaring that I told him that before. My heart stumbles and falls so quickly. “Seth, I can’t leave you,” I say and swallow thickly, needing to tell him that what little time I have left, I need to be with him. The truth doesn’t come, though. What if he decides he can’t be with me when I have a faulty heart? He can’t love someone who’s only going to leave him. After all, that’s what I do. I leave him.