“I’m afraid,” I admit, opting for a new truth. Barely breathing as my eyes turn glossy. Haphazardly wiping them, I hold on to the anger. I pull away from him to bitch, “I hate fucking crying. When did I—”
“You can cry.” Seth’s voice is calm when he takes my forearm, pulling me back into him.
I don’t have enough time to cry.
“I’m afraid of this horrible side of me. It bothers me… how I always fall into this world. I’m drawn to it, Seth,” I confess and look him in the eyes. “There’s no point in leaving you when I know this bad piece of me is just who I am and it leads me into this… this...”
“Nothing about you is horri—”
I cut him off before he can console me and feed me some bullshit about how I don’t have that in me. I know I do. It’s there waiting and ready, almost greedily wanting to come out and prove itself. “There’s plenty of bad in me! I killed a woman. I killed her. I—I—I—” Words fail me.
“You had to.”
“A part of me wanted to,” I confess.
“Calm down.” With both of his hands on my shoulders, he tells me sincerely, “There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“There is—” he doesn’t let me finish.
“No there isn’t.”
He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t see the point.
“I can’t leave you, Seth, because I accept it. I accept that I’ll always be led back here. I promise you I won’t leave. Because I know I need you.” It’s not all the truth, but it’s jagged pieces of it. Reckless and scattered, but it’s all true. “I won’t ever leave you because I’m afraid of that side of me. But I know you understand it. I know you’ll protect me from it all.” That tiny last bit is so raw and honest that it shakes me to my core.
“Can I tell you something?” Seth asks and waits for me. I peek up at him, nodding.
A sad smile I know so well greets me. It’s the kind he gives me when he tells me something he doesn’t want to. “You’re my good side.”
My brow pinches with confusion until he leans in, kissing it, kissing that crease and then he says it again. “If there’s a good side and a bad side to every person. You’re my only good side. You can’t leave me again. I’m nothing that I want to be without you. Imagine that feeling when that dark side threatens to take over. Imagine that, and only that.”
Seth has been so steady, so strong, I haven’t viewed him as broken, not like I view myself. Never. Not once.
All I can do, as quickly as my body is able, is to lean forward and hold on to him. No matter how hard I hug him, he hugs me closer, his warm breath in the crook of my neck. I wish I could just go back. There are times in life when I wished that, but never so much as now. Thinking back to that first time I saw him, I would change it all. I’d save us. We could have had a different life. I know in my heart he’s the one I’m meant to be with, but why does this life have to end like this? Maybe in the next we’ll remember. Maybe we’ll remember this love and be drawn to one another again.
“I promise I won’t ever leave your side. Just please, pretend with me. Please.”
He doesn’t say he’ll pretend but when he kisses me, he promises not to bring it up again, and I’ll take that.
“Can we just agree on one thing?” I dare to ask, to put it to bed and let it rest where it is. “I don’t want you to bring up me leaving again. You don’t want me to bring up,” I have to pause and breathe in deep, pretending I’m not saying these words right now, “my father again.”
Seth is still and quiet.
“Right?” I ask him, prodding him to agree with me.
“You have to know I’m sorry.”
“Don’t, Seth,” I beg him, swallowing down the pain. “I need you to drop it, this talk about me leaving and needing to be punished for it. Drop it and never bring it up again and I’ll do the same.”
Seth doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t agree and he doesn’t disagree. He holds me though, close and with a grip that isn’t going to let up. That’s all I want right now. With everything going on, this is all I need.
“Hey,” I tell him, “I love you.”
“That’s all that matters,” he answers and then kisses me. He’s right. Right now, all that matters is this. I can be okay with this. I make sure I tell him, “I’ll never stop loving you.”
There’s a moment when he’s holding me, where I’m warm and so safe, that nothing else feels real. It simply can’t be true because when we touch, everything is right. So all of the wrong that is happening around us, all of this awful shit, it’s not real.
I let my lips slip up Seth’s throat. There’s always a little rough stubble there. The tip of my nose drags along it and when I inhale deeply, calming and settling, all I smell is him. I plant a small kiss right there, right on his throat and I’m awarded with a groan, deep and rough, vibrating against my entire front.
He readjusts and I know he must be hard for me. It’s so easy to get him worked up, to get him wanting me. Truth be told, it’s the same back. There isn’t a moment where he kisses me and I don’t want and need him instantly.
“You really love me still?” he questions with his piercing blue eyes focused solely on me. I’m so hurt inside. For him. For us.
“I could never not love you, Seth,” I tell him honestly and kiss him before the swell of emotion takes over. All I want is him. To be held by him. To be loved by him. Everything else, in this moment, I choose to ignore.
Crashing my lips against his, I slip my hands up his shirt. One slides up while the other moves down, slipping past his waistband. I love the feel of him in my hand. How hard he is, yet soft and smooth. All of him was made to be a sex god. Every inch of his body. I grip him once and beg him, “Please,” in a heated whisper.
Seth inhales and lets his head fall back. With his eyes still closed, he commands me, “Get your ass undressed now.”
I can’t help that I smile, that I feel a rush of warmth from my cheeks, down my chest, all the way down at the thought of him taking me right now. With my teeth digging into my bottom lip, I’m quick to remove every article of clothing. Seth is slower, lazily stripping as he watches me.
“I love it when you smile like that,” he comments before pulling his shirt over his head.
“I love it when you make me smile like this,” I tell him back, feeling a dull ache in my chest, a pull to him that I need to hold on to forever. Until my last breath. Because it’s the best thing I have in this world. He’s the only thing that feels good. This. This moment and what’s between us, it’s worth living for even if nothing else is.
Both of us bared, he stalks toward me and I wait, standing with anticipation, goosebumps traveling over my skin, but I’m so hot, the shiver doesn’t come with an ounce of cold, only want.
He keeps his gaze pinned to mine until he has to break it to plant a single open-mouthed kiss in the crook of my neck. It’s then that I reach out to him, both of my hands on his chest until I move them up to his shoulders. His hands roam my body and I squeal when he lifts me into his arms. His cock is nestled between my sex.