‘That’s unfair. He’s a nice guy,’ I counter. ‘He’s become a valuable fundraiser and a good friend to the farm.’
‘And to you in particular?’
I ignore the barb. ‘I’d like to think so.’
‘More than a friend?’ he snaps. ‘Perhaps a boyfriend?’
‘I thought I already had one of those,’ I snap back. ‘Is there something you want to tell me?’
Shelby’s shoulders sag and he looks squarely at me. The drawn expression on his face is unbearable and my heart skips a beat when, in the saddest voice I’ve ever heard, he says, ‘Actually, yes.’
Chapter Sixty-Nine
‘Let’s take the dogs across the fields and then we can talk.’ I can tell this is serious and the sooner we get it over with, the better.
Shelby nods his agreement. ‘I’ll get my coat from the car.’
Watching him go, I wonder if his head has been turned by one of the young women in his company? Lucas warned me as much. Well, I guess I’m about to find out.
I call Lucas and ask him would he mind feeding the animals. I don’t feel that I can put them ahead of this conversation – which I’m not expecting to be good. Lucas doesn’t even ask why, he just agrees. I’m relieved about that.
When Shelby comes back, all wrapped up against the cold, I click the dogs to heel. We climb over the stile and head into the countryside. It’s dark now, but the moon is bright and lights our way. There’ll be a hard frost tonight, I’m sure, but it’s a small price to pay. We’re far enough from the nearest town to be able to see the stars in all their glory. This is such a beautiful place. Not for the first time, I think Why would I ever want to be anywhere else?
The dogs run ahead, happy to be free – unaccustomed as they are to being cooped up in the caravan all day. They’re playing with each other, tumbling and chasing and I can’t help but smile.
Shelby and I walk side by side. There’s a tension between us, so I link my arm through his.
‘Want to tell me what it is?’ I say when it doesn’t look like he’s going to start the conversation.
He doesn’t answer right away, as if he’s trying to form the right words, but then he says, ‘I’ve been asked to go out to Hollywood again.’ He looks over at me. ‘Remember that zombie apocalypse series I told you about? The Dead Don’t Sleep?’
Of course, I do. Not so long ago, Shelby was all set to turn our world upside down and hightail it to Hollywood without a backward glance to play a psycho zombie killer or something. ‘Yes. The one you turned down.’
‘Well.’ There’s a sigh and a long pause. ‘They’ve offered it to me again.’
‘And you’re thinking about it?’ We went through before how bad it would be for Lucas. Their relationship is strained at the best of times and Shelby was talking about going to live in Los Angeles for a year while it was filmed.
‘I’ve accepted the role,’ he says.
It hits me like a low blow, the breath taken away from me. He’s accepted it?
All I manage to say is, ‘Right.’
‘I’ll have to go to LA. Of course. I know it’s going to be hard for me to be away, but I have to do this, Molly. You see that? I’m being elbowed out of Flinton’s Farm – not so gently – and this role is huge, massive. I don’t want to be consigned to the panto circuit.’
‘I thought you were loving it?’
‘I am, but I don’t want to be defined by it. Once you get typecast, then you’re doomed to panto season and celebrity reality shows. This role elevates me to a whole new level. It will invigorate my career.’
‘I see.’ And, believe me, I do.
‘A year away and I could come back to fantastic parts. We’re talking lead roles in primetime BBC dramas.’
This my moment to remind him that he has a son who needs him. I should tell him the reason why Lucas is going to need him more than ever. He also should know that he’s not just going to be a grandfather but a father too. He is part of this child and has a right to know. But we’ve been here before and it’s clear that the lure of Hollywood is strong.
What should I do?
As much as I want him here while I’m pregnant with his child, I don’t want to be the reason why he stays. If I tied him here, would he, in time, come to resent the baby? Resent me too? I’m torn. Do I tell him so that he can make an informed choice or do I let him go and fulfil his dream? Should he be free to leave without knowing the complications in our lives? I’m barely two months’ pregnant, if that. There’s a long way to go yet. I can manage here with Bev’s help. I wish I knew how things worked in Shelby’s world. Can he come home regularly? Surely he must get time off from filming when he can do what he likes? Except, I have to face this, he’s never really seen this as his home. I look around again and take in the expansive sky, the dark solitude. I don’t know what Hollywood’s like, but I know that I’d never want to leave here to try it.
‘Say something,’ he urges. ‘What do you think?’
‘Lucas would stay here?’
‘Yes, yes. If he wants to.’ He stuffs his hands deep into his pockets. ‘I know he’s doing well with his course and he loves it here. I don’t want to cause him any disruption.’ I don’t point out that there’s more than enough disruption coming Lucas’s way. ‘You’re happy for him to live with you?’
‘Of course.’ I don’t know how Lucas will handle his father going to Los Angeles. He’ll be furious, of course, but when Shelby is here, Lucas doesn’t want him interfering. How am I going to tiptoe my way through this minefield?
‘I’ll make a proper arrangement to pay you for his upkeep. You won’t have to worry about money. The pay cheque is also very flattering.’
‘You already do so much for us.’ Financially, Shelby really looks after us and, now that we have some more fundraising ideas in place, I’m hoping we won’t have to be so reliant on him.
He turns and puts his hands on my arms. ‘I’m not turning my back on you,’ he says. ‘I promise.’
‘I love you,’ I tell him, frankly. I’m not a great one for expressions of emotion, but I do love him. I love him for who he is as a man, not as an actor or a Hollywood star. I’d be happier if none of that was in our lives, but that’s who he is.
‘I know that things haven’t been easy recently,’ he says. ‘I should have discussed this with you. It’s the meetings that have kept me from coming back, but I wanted to be sure. I didn’t want it all to come to nothing and worry you unnecessarily.’
‘I thought that you might have been seeing one of your younger, prettier, less animal-mad colleagues,’ I confess.
‘No, never.’ He looks at me, dismayed. ‘Did you really think that of me?’
‘To be honest, I didn’t know what to think.’
He takes me into his arms. ‘This will be a temporary measure. If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere.’
‘That’s New York,’ I remind him. ‘Even I know that.’