We sleep late into the day after staying up all night making love. It’s Sunday and neither of us has much going on. This is the day I start my official countdown to going on tour. We leave Saturday night to make it to our first show on Monday. We’re starting our tour on the West Coast, after which we’ll make our way to the East Coast, then we’ll finish up in the Midwest. After that, we’ll come back home for a few weeks until we go on our international headlining tour. I’ll be all over the place, and all the while, he’ll be here, either moving on with his life or waiting for me. I don’t know what feels worse: knowing that he could be moving on with someone new or that he could be putting his life on hold to wait for me. Neither is ideal, but I guess that’s his choice to make and it’s not something that should stop me from doing what I need to do.
I roll into his side and his eyes open, locking on mine. He offers up a sleepy smile. “Good morning, beautiful.”
“I sure am going to miss waking up in your arms.” I cuddle closer.
“Well, let’s make sure we do it every morning before you leave. I want to spend every waking moment with you from now until the day you take off.”
My insides warm with his words. I have a lot going on with the band this week to prepare for the tour, and I’d love it if he could be there with me, even if we have to pretend we’re just friends.
“We actually have a huge meeting with the band and the label that you have to attend. You didn’t forget, did you?”
“I didn’t forget,” he says, rolling over and forcing me onto my back as he hovers over me. His lips find mine, and once again, we’re back where we started.
Eventually, we pull ourselves apart and decide it’s probably time to get out of bed to shower and find some food. I shower first while Daniel sleeps a little longer. When I get out, he gets up and takes a shower while I search the kitchen to find something to eat, which isn’t an easy task. I eat more takeout than I cook, so there are rarely real groceries lying around. I end up finding the fixings for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and I make two. I look for some kind of side to go with them, like chips or carrot sticks, but who am I kidding? The best I can do is animal crackers. There’s also nothing to drink in the fridge other than milk, so I pour us each a glass and take everything to the coffee table.
When he comes out, I motion toward the food I prepared. “Ta-daaaah! Perfect for toddlers and for us.”
He laughs and shakes his head. He sits down and picks up his glass of milk. “What, no sippy cups?”
“I’ve never actually been around a toddler, so no. Just don’t spill,” I joke, picking up my glass and clinking it off his. I take a sip and the most disgusting taste overflows my senses. I spit the milk back into the cup and he looks at me with a confused expression. “Don’t drink it. It’s poison.” I take his glass along with mine and run to the sink to pour them down the drain.
I lean forward, drinking water straight from the faucet to rinse the taste from my tongue while he stands back, laughing.
Finally, after drinking about a gallon of water, I can no longer taste the expired milk, however, it’s been burned into my memory. I turn off the water and stand, looking over at him.
“I’m kind of worried about the food quality in this place. Why don’t we go out and eat?”
I nod. “I think that’s probably best.” I grab my purse and we end up going to the diner around the corner. We take a seat and it’s only minutes later that Van walks in.
Daniel looks up at him and waves him over. “Have you talked to him yet?” he asks me before Van arrives.
I shrug, knowing damn well that I haven’t. The whole thing kind of got pushed to the side the busier we got with everything else, and I never brought it up during our band meeting.
Van comes and sits at my side, across from Daniel.
“What’s going on?” Daniel asks him.
He shrugs. “I was looking for Luna and nobody answered the door at her apartment. Figured if she wasn’t home, she’d either be here or at the store. Guess I got lucky. What are you two up to?”
“Daniel and I were just talking about the meeting on Wednesday. I wanted to brief him on the tour and the schedule and all that. Why were you looking for me?”
“Well, it’s just that we haven’t really spent much time together lately given how busy we’ve all been, but I wanted to say I’m really sorry about what I said after the show the other night. I’d been drinking and I was just being an asshole.”
“I know,” I agree with him. “Why were you drinking anyway? You don’t drink . . . not like that anyway.”
He shrugs. “I’ve just been stressed out lately. All the practices, shows, recording, preparing for the tour, and then for some reason, I thought it was my job to protect you.”
“Protect me? From what?” I ask, confused.
“From yourself,” he confesses. “I see the way the two of you look at each other and I know you’re still together. You said you were broken up, but then I realized that there wasn’t anything to break up. You were never in a relationship—not a real one anyway. That night, when I was drinking, I realized that you weren’t alone in your dressing room. He was in there, and I was pissed that you lied, and that you felt like you had to lie. We’re best friends and we’ve always been truthful with each other. Well, that is, until I fucked up and tried controlling something that was none of my business. It’s your life and you can live it the way you want. If you guys want to be together, be together. I’m stepping back.” He looks at both of us. “Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. You can stop sneaking around now.” He taps the table and stands up, walking out without another word.
I look at Daniel, a little surprised. “Well, I wasn’t expecting that,” I think out loud.
“Yeah, I wasn’t either, but it’s good to know that we can spend our last week without having to worry about getting caught.”
I nod. “Right. I’m relieved too,” I say, mindlessly staring at the menu on the table in front of me, but I can’t help but think about his words. Not that who I sleep with or get into a relationship with is any of Van’s business, but his blessing means more to me than even I understand. Van has been my protector for many years. He’s always been the one to pull me back from the edge, to calm me down when I need it, and to make decisions for me when I’m too close to something to see what needs to be done. The fact that he’s stepping back makes me think that he thinks I no longer need it. Like now that I’m with Daniel, he can be that for me, giving Van a much-needed break. Does he think that Daniel and I will end up together? Is he finally approving of one of my relationships? That’d be a first. He’s always been the first one to point out what’s wrong with each guy I’ve dated. But he’s never done that with Daniel. In fact, his main concern was that I’d fall so much in love with him that it would end the band. That’s never been his reason for concern before. Maybe he sees something I don’t in the future I have with Daniel.
I’m quiet during breakfast as I think everything over. I want to talk to Daniel about all of this, but I’m not sure how to. We’ve had a deal all along. All of this ends when I leave. I thought it was the only fair option. That way, he won’t be sitting around waiting for me to return and I won’t be selfish by asking him to come with me. But now, I’m not so sure. Daniel has been consistent with his perspective on it: I leave, we’ll end, then we’ll see what happens. But suddenly, I want more than that and I don’t know how to broach the subject. It isn’t fair for me to ask him.