Every day is a constant fight to call him, but it’s always the same struggle. To get what I want, I’d have to take from him, and I can’t bear to do that. My phone chimes and I see a text from Riley. I open it to find a picture of Daniel holding a baby who’s wearing a pink beanie. It reads: Uncle Daniel’s first time holding baby Jordan. She’s missing her Aunt Luna, you know!
I smile at her words and click on the picture so it takes up my full screen. Daniel is handsome and breathtaking. He has dark scruff on his jaw and his hair is a little longer than usual. He probably hasn’t shaved or gotten a haircut since I left. His eyes don’t hold their usual shine and his smile isn’t as bright as it usually is. I can’t help but wonder how he’s feeling. Is he happy? Is he missing me? Is he rethinking his whole life because of me?
I swipe the picture away and write a reply. She’s beautiful. Congratulations! P.S. I love the name. She was born to be a rocker chick!
I let the phone fall from my hands and into my lap. Van looks up from across the aisle since he’s sitting on the couch opposite me. “What’s up?”
“Riley sent me a picture of Daniel holding the new baby.”
He shakes his head. “Just call him.”
I roll my eyes. “This isn’t about me, Van. My life is fine. I’m doing what I’m supposed to. It’s about him not waiting around for me, because by doing that, he’d just be letting life pass him by.”
“Let me see the pic,” he says, leaning forward.
I bring it back up and turn the phone around for him to see.
“Yeah, it looks like he’s just letting life pass him by in this scenario too. Call him.” He sits back and returns to whatever book he’s reading.
I study the picture a moment longer. “You think?”
“He’s miserable without you, Luna. Even if you can’t be in the same city, you can still be in his life,” he says, not even looking away from the book.
I get up and go to my room to lie down and think things over. I thought releasing him would give him the freedom he needed to be content, but it seems like all I’ve done is stripped away his happiness. And I know I’ve taken mine away as well. I thought the music would be enough to get me through, but it’s not. Nothing feels as good as it does when he’s mine. Even if he couldn’t come to a show, in my mind, I was still playing for him. But now, I have nothing. What am I doing this for if I don’t have the only man I’ve ever loved?
But call him? Now? After all this time? Just out of the blue? I think a much bigger gesture is required to say what I need to say.
But what do I need to say? That I love him. That I don’t care if we can’t spend every day together. Having him in some way is better than nothing at all, and I can only hope he feels the same way. We might not get the traditional lifestyle most people strive for, but something is better than nothing, right? Our lives may be different, but at least they’ll be spent together.
No, I won’t call him to tell him how sorry I am for screwing everything up, but I will make sure he knows. I get up and grab the folder that holds the list of all our gigs. Now that we’re back in the United States again after a few months in Europe, I skim it to find a show that’s close to Chicago and call Wesley to get a ticket.
A few days later, the ticket’s delivered to me and I write a note to go with it: Please come. I wrap the note around the ticket, put it in an envelope, and drop it off at the first post office drop box we pass. Two weeks and counting. I hope he comes. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t.
The bus is mostly really boring. It’s just the same old people doing the same old shit over and over and over again. The most excitement we get is when one of us finally gets tired of someone else in the band and we argue. Our arguments aren’t just arguments, either. The guys like to wrestle around and I throw things on occasion. It’s all very animated and we don’t take it seriously. We always laugh it off and say we’re sorry later on. We practice on the bus and write new music. When one of us writes a new song, we spend hours upon hours teaching it to the rest of the members.
Today we get the treat of venturing off the bus since we’re ahead of schedule. Van and I hit up a bar and grill to get some real food and have a few drinks. We try not to drink much on the bus just because it feels like the walls are closing in on us, not to mention it’s hell letting multiple people take turns in the one bathroom as they puke from drinking too much. And being hung over and on a bouncing bus sucks and will make you empty your stomach every time.
“So, have you heard anything from him?” Van asks as he sits across from me.
He gives me a look and I know exactly who he’s talking about.
“Nope,” I reply, shaking my head.
“Are you scared he might not show up?”
“Yep,” I say, taking a sip of my Jack and Coke.
“What are you going to do if he doesn’t show up?”
I shrug. “Probably give up. I mean, to me, if he doesn’t come, that’s just his way of saying we’re officially done. And if that’s the case, there’s nothing left to fight for, right?”
He finally looks back over at me and I can see the sympathy in his eyes. “I guess,” he agrees, only making me hope harder and harder that Daniel does show up.
I finish off my drink and order another when my food is placed in front of me. I look down at my huge burger and fries and breathe in the mouthwatering scent. I almost feel giddy. “Can you believe it? Hot food!” I waste no time as I dig in.
He laughs and shakes his head. “Well, at least if he doesn’t come, I now know how to cheer you up,” Van jokes.
“Ha ha,” I mock laughter as I shove another fry into my mouth.
Later that night, I’m alone in my dark moving bedroom and grab my phone to text Riley.
How are things going with the new baby?
Good, but I’m super-tired. Preston and I are taking shifts, but he’s going to have to go back to work soon. I guess I’m lucky I have Piper right next door. How’s the tour going?
It’s fine, I guess. I hate to make you be the middleman—or more accurately, middlewoman—but did Daniel happen to mention anything about receiving a concert ticket?
I wait as I watch the bubbles dance on the screen.
Not at all. Hey, where are my tickets?
I laugh. I promise I’ll send you some down the road. I didn’t think you’d be up for a concert after just having a baby.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that. LOL. So did he call or anything to tell you he’d be there?
Nothing. Not. A. Word. And it’s driving me crazy. We haven’t talked since I left. I told him to live his life and not let me hold him back—that he needed to move on from me. But now I’m scared he’s moving on without me! I know, I’m stupid.
LOL. Not at all. I completely understand. And if it makes you feel any better, I don’t think he’s moving on without you. He’s had a few dates, but nothing serious and never a second one with any of them.
Reading that he’s been on a few dates makes my heart sink. I know that I did this. He would’ve been completely fine waiting for me just like he did last time, but I thought he needed to be set free. I thought being selfless was the way to go. But who was I kidding? I’m not selfless. I don’t want to be without him. What if he’s mad at me? What if he doesn’t show up because he doesn’t feel like it’s that much of a gesture?