The first thing I got back was a gif of Tracy Morgan clutching his mouth, with the word “GASP!” across the bottom.
“YOU PROMISED WE’D NEVER SPEAK OF HIM OR THAT AGAIN!–Riley.”
“Just cause you have the bubble guts doesn’t mean you have to be mean - Riley.”
“Doesn’t it though?”
I put the phone down on the bathroom counter to clean myself up, and then dragged my body upward, gently. My stomach lurched a little, but then settled, so I flushed the extinction-level-event in the toilet and got right into the shower.
Hot water never felt so good.
I stayed in the shower until my glasses fogged up, then took them off and stayed in a little longer. By the time I climbed out, I felt mostly human again, but my stomach was still weak.
Definitely no dinner tonight.
But… at least my tummy would look nice and flat for my date tomorrow–that really, I didn’t even want to be on. I’d spent the last year recovering from finally severing the power supply on my on-again, off-again relationship with Preston, and really… I was just now starting to feel normal again.
It was a big part of why NotCarlos was getting no play from me–he was a little too Preston-adjacent in terms of good looks and charm and all that and I just… didn’t really have the energy.
I was going on the date though, cause Riley wouldn’t leave me alone.
And I hadn’t had sex in well… a year.
If this blind date thing went well enough, maybe I could remind myself what it was like with another person in the room.
I was sprawled across the bed, wondering if I had to honor what I said in my prayer when a knock sounded at the door.
“Come in,” I called, knowing it was likely just Riley.
Sure enough, she peeked in, holding up a bottle of ginger ale and a sleeve of saltines. “Brought you something for your stomach.”
“Awww, so you’re not a terrible friend,” I said, sitting up.
“I’m a perfect friend,” she countered. “I made Hendrix go all the way back out in the cold to get this stuff for you.”
“Oh so he’s the good friend then. Thank you Hendrix!” I yelled, knowing he was probably out in the living room in front of the TV.
“You’re welcome Ry! Hope your ass stops falling outta your ass!”
Shaking my head, I laughed as I accepted the soda and crackers from Riley, even though I wasn’t actually quite ready to consume anything yet. “Way to go, Riley. He’s perfect for you.”
“Isn’t he?!” she gushed, grinning as she took a seat on the edge of the bed. “I hope you’re feeling better by tomorrow so you can go on the date I set up for you… If you hadn’t lit up the bathroom, I’d think you were trying to get out of it by playing sick.”
“Ha, ha–laugh at my pain all you want, but no… I do plan on going on the date. Maybe it can be the start of my hoe phase?”
Riley’s eyes went wide. “Ry… babe, you’re too old for a hoe phase. Why do you think I settled down?”
I laughed. “Ma’am, you settled down because you finally ran across a nigga you hated less than the rest of these niggas. And now you’re in love.”
She pressed her hands to her chest, fluttering her eyelashes. “I am, huh? And we are cute as fifteen fucks,” she added, letting out a dreamy sigh before she snapped back to normal. “Back to you though. Hoe phase? Nah, fren. That’s an early twenties thing.”
“There’s no such thing as too old for a hoe phase - speak for yourself, okay?”
Across from me, Riley chuckled. She knew just as well as I did that at almost-thirty, my real chances of embarking on a much-lauded–at least on social media–“hoe phase” were slim.
Not because I was too reserved.
Too scared.
Too ugly.
Nah.
I just… wasn’t sure there weren’t better ways to spend my time?
“January… you skipped game night last week because a new bottle of wine you ordered came in… I love you, but you’re way too washed for a hoe phase.”
I gasped. “Riley, you know how long I’d been waiting for that bottle! That’s not fair!”
“Bitch who said anything about fair? Just calling it like I see it, and I don’t understand why you’re offended–what, exactly, is wrong with being too old for Insta-thot antics?”
“I resent the idea that I am too old for anything.”
Riley sucked her teeth. “So you wanna go back to juice boxes now?”
“It depends on what kinda juice,” I snipped. “They make grown-up ones now, and they are convenient, portion-conscious, and recyclable, now say some more hater shit, come on.”
“I am not about to do this with your crazy ass,” Riley laughed. “You had another bottle that arrived today, by the way.”
My eyes lit up. “Was it my Honey Branch pinot?!”
“Girl I don’t know–the box is on the dining room table though.”
A grin spread over my face as I nodded. “Oooh… maybe tomorrow night I can open it, have a glass—”
“As a nightcap with your date?” Riley interjected, reminding me of my–her–pre-established plans.
“Hell no, I’m not bringing a man back here,” I told her, disgusted at the thought of some stranger-danger dude interrupting the sanctity of my space. “But I catch your insinuation. Calm your tits, I’ll be there. Where did you say you met this guy anyway?”
“Oh I haven’t met him.”
My eyes bugged wide, stomach lurched. “Um…. What? What do you mean, you haven’t met him? I thought that was how this date was happening…”
There was quiet for a moment. “Well… what had happened was…”
“Riley!”
“I made you a profile on BLKLV and y’all matched so I figured why not.”
“Riley!”
“Stop yelling at me!” she whined. “Things turned out great for me and Hendrix, and we met on there…”
“That’s a stretch and you know it!”
What actually happened was that she’d curved Hendrix on the app, then happened to run into him in real life, and things went from there.
And now her ass thought she was a matchmaker.
“I should cancel this shit, and you know it,” I told her, shaking my head. “Stranger. Danger. You’re familiar, right?”
“That’s why you’re meeting him in a public place, and he doesn’t know your last name, and he thinks you live in Blackwood–I’ve got you covered fren, don’t worry. And he’s fine, I swear. And tall. And he looks like he has a hammer. So… not stranger-danger. More like… stranger rearranger. When he’s rearranging your guts tomorrow night, right?” she said, nudging my side with her elbow as she stuck her tongue out.
I really didn’t want to laugh, but she was so damn silly it was hard not to.
“I’m really trying to figure out why I talk to you at all,” I said, trying to feign like I was still annoyed.
Riley cupped her chin, eyes going up to the ceiling like she was really thinking about it. “Hm… I’m thinking it’s because you’ve loved me since freshman year?”