Everything he’s saying should be exactly what I want to hear, but it won’t penetrate my ice-cold heart. The more and more I’ve thought about it over the past week, the less and less I think that we can actually work long term.
“We can’t do this anymore. We’re bound to get caught.” My voice cracks, because losing him is the last thing I want.
There just isn’t any other way I can see this working, though. And before I fall even deeper into him, though Lord knows I’m already there, the worse it’s going to break me.
“But I love you. And you told me you love me, too.” Hayes’ voice has a note of pleading as he says this like it’s the simplest idea in the world.
“Love doesn’t solve everything, Hayes.” My temper flares. “What were we going to do after the season ends? Are you leaving? Are you signing our contract? Either way, we can’t go public. How much longer can we realistically do this? We’ll either end up resenting each other for all that we can’t be, or it will blow up in our faces. You heard Walker, I’m acting just like my father. I won’t turn into him.”
“So instead, you want to end this? We can figure this out. I know those questions weigh heavy, I’ve been posing them to myself. Don’t do this right now, though, baby.”
I dare to look him right in the eye, at least giving us that much dignity. “When should we do it then? It’s coming, we both know it.”
My voice is miserable, and a tear leaks down my cheek. I don’t want to end things; I don’t want to shut out the only man I’ve ever truly loved. But today only underscores what our lives could become. We’re hiding in the shadows, operating illegally, exactly like my father did. And I’ve always been the type of woman who put her career, the family business, ahead of her own personal needs. It’s time for me to step up and do just that.
Even if it breaks my own heart.
“I made a promise to myself and to our organization when Dad went away. I made a promise to my grandfather a long time ago, that I would be the next generation of the Callahan dynasty. I can’t do those things if I’m lying. Please, don’t make me.” I shake my head in sorrow, silently begging Hayes to go quietly.
Dropping his head to look at the floor, I read his body language. It’s an expression of something I rarely ever see on Hayes Swindell. Defeat.
“If this is what you want, then I guess I can’t say anything to change your mind. I love you. I probably always will.”
They’re the saddest words I’ve ever heard spoken, and as I hear him close my sliding glass door behind him and sneak off into the night, I collapse on my elbows.
They say that curling up with sweets is the cure for a broken heart, of which there are plenty on my counters. But I just slink into bed, tossing the covers over my fully-clothed body, and cry myself to sleep.
33
Colleen
I opt to work from home the next day, even though the team is traveling to Louisiana to play their first league championship game.
There is no way I can even face pulling up to the ballpark, not with my eyes swollen and red the way they are. Sure, I could pass it off that I’m upset about all the news coverage drudging up my father’s arrest again. But if I’m confronted with the large banners and posters of Hayes hung all around the ballpark, I might lose it.
It feels unprofessional not to be on that plane either, and Uncle Daniel was surprised I wasn’t going to attend the first game of a playoff-worthy team I’d helped create.
But I’m too miserable. Even now, as I look at the pile of papers on my at-home desk that my assistant dropped off a few hours ago, I can barely concentrate.
My heart physically hurts. It didn’t feel this way when my father was arrested, or any time throughout his trial. No, by breaking up with Hayes, I’m pretty sure I’ve broken it beyond repair. Of course, I regret it, of course, I wish he’d come through that door, scoop me up into the world’s most epic kiss.
But the rational side of me knows I did the right thing. If anyone else besides Walker had discovered us, there would have been dire consequences, for both of us. I’ve fallen in love with the one person who is off-limits, and I am paying the price. While it was the smart decision, not the emotional one, it doesn’t mean I can’t sulk in my own heartbreak for a few days.
The end of my relationship isn’t the only thing on my mind, though. Hayes’ words keep plaguing me, about how I’m giving my father more power by not addressing him or confronting how upset I am. They taunt at me, as do the interviews my father has done. I’ve betrayed my strong stance on not watching them and fell down a rabbit hole last night. That hole was full of self-loathing, doubt, and feeling like general crap. My father implied things about me that he’d never say to my face—all for fifteen minutes of fame.
It got me angry enough, and even more so now, that I stomp to my kitchen. I’m done leaving that letter there, mocking me from its hiding place.
Pulling open the junk drawer, I reach all the way to the bottom before my brain can stop me. Furiously, I rip it open, as if I’m pulling off a Band-Aid instead of going slow.
Once it’s out and I can make out the chicken-scratch scrawl of my father’s handwriting, one that is as familiar to me as my own is, I begin reading.
Colleen,
You’ve refused to answer my calls or meet with my attorney, so I am forced to communicate with you this way. I’m disappointed that my only daughter didn’t stand up in court to defend me, much less come down here to visit me in prison. I may have skirted the system, but I did that damn job better than anyone who has ever done it before.
I may be one of the only people who knows about your grandfather’s will, but don’t think that secret will stay buried for long. I tried to teach and train you as best as I could, but I have no doubt that will all be in vain. You’re not cut out for this industry, or what it takes to achieve success. You are soft, Colleen, and the organization needed someone like me at its helm.
We are family, like it or not, I am your father. You should be here for me in my time of need, instead of being a selfish brat I didn’t raise you to be. Although, don’t forget you never wanted for anything.
You’re in for a rude awakening when the season starts. You think you know hard work? I’m laughing in my cell just thinking about how unprepared you are.
Come see me, Colleen. That isn’t a request. I am your father, show some respect.
Love,
Dad
I’m not sure what I thought that letter would contain, but I certainly didn’t expect this. Foolishly, I hoped my father would have given me an apology. That he would say sorry for putting me in this position, for jeopardizing something our family worked so hard for. That he was wracked with grief about the fact that he wouldn’t be able to be in my life for the foreseeable future.
Instead, he’s threatened me, degraded me … I can hear all the ugliness inside him poured out onto this page. I’m glad I didn’t read this before spring training, back when he sent it. It would have destroyed me even more. I doubt myself every day, never feel like I’m good enough, but at least I’ve been on the job for a few months now and feel like I have a good grasp on it. My father’s words would have dismantled that before I’d even begun.