“This face?” I ask, pointing to my beat-up face, which I know is anything but beautiful right now.
“Well, usually it is.” She rolls her eyes.
“Probably why he got beat up. You deny a lover, pretty boy?” Dez jokes, blowing me a kiss.
“Hey, why don’t you give her money to get something from the vending machine over there,” I tell Dez. Ruby tries to fight me, but I ask her to get me something too. I give her a wink when she turns to go. My eyes trail her as she goes and when she’s around the corner I turn my attention to my best friend. “How is she really?”
“She’s tough as shit is what she is. But you’re right about the eatin’. I think she needs to go to a place or clinic or whateva.”
“You watching her close?”
“You know it,” he says with a wolfish grin.
Snarling at him, I can’t even fault him. He’s there with her, and I’m stuck in here. I told him to stay close.
Taking in a deep breath, I let it out slow, closing my eyes. “Three years.” My knee bounces.
“You got this, bro. I got her. For real. Don’t worry ‘bout her. Take care of you in here, alright?” Feeling anxious about the whole thing, I nod, sucking my lip between my teeth.
Ruby walks back with bags of chips and drinks for each of us. We spend the next minutes eating snacks and them telling me about school while I try to push down my jealousy.
When it’s time for them to go, I make sure that I whisper to Dez to get her to a rehab. That I don’t want her to come back. She needs to move on, have a fun high school experience. We fist bump, and I turn to my favorite fairy.
“Be good,” I tell Ruby. “Go break hearts, eat ice cream, and get into Julliard.” She rolls those lips between her teeth, and I try to memorize what that damn dimple looks like before pulling her in for another hug before she leaves, my lips lightly pecking her temple before I’m caught. “Go,” I tell them.
She sniffs as she steps away. Dez puts a lazy arm around her shoulders like he always does, but this time it hurts to see. My heart hurts, cracking more and more watching her walk away.
Looking over her shoulder before they exit out the door, I lift my hand in a lame wave as she blows a kiss at me. Smiling, I wink. “And happy early birthday, Tink.” She gives me one last sad smile before the door closes, shutting them both off from me.
Dropping my head and my smile, I walk to the guard to let him know I’m ready to head back to my cell. There, I promise myself that it is all for the best. That I’ll do right by her. I’ll get out and things will be different.
Vindicated.
Part II
“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”
― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets
Ruby
THREE YEARS LATER
The last time I came to this place was a month before my fifteenth birthday.
A birthday that ended with me being told that I was going into treatment for my eating disorder, along with therapy. Therapy that has been on and off since with lots of ups and mostly downs.
“You ready for this?” Dez asks me with his arm around my shoulders, hugging me into his side as I squeeze his middle.
Shaking my head, I bite my lips as I wait nervously for Sonny to be released from prison. Pulling me into his body more, he hugs me. “I’m scared.” Dez pulls back and cups my cheeks, his soft dark eyes melting over me before he kisses the tip of my nose.
“You have nothin’ to be scared about.”
“What if he doesn’t like me anymore? What if he doesn’t want me here?”
“He’ll like you fine.” He rolls his eyes at me. “And he told me to bring you. Stop freakin’.”
My head falls forward, landing on his chest. “I’m so fucking nervous, Dez.” I feel his chuckle before I hear it, making me laugh too.
Our laughter is cut short when we hear the door to the prison open. Both of us look up, and in what feels like slow motion, we see Sonny emerge. Or who I think is Sonny.
It’s an older, more mature-looking version of the boy I fell in love with almost four years ago when I was thirteen and haven’t seen in three years. Bigger in height and stature, filled out with more muscles. His hair is cut short, no more length on top.
I’m still stunned and staring when I hear Dez. “There’s my boy!” he yells, giving Sonny a hug, slapping his back several times.
“Get off of me, you emotional sod. I’ve had enough men come on to me in here; I don’t need you doing it too,” Sonny jokes, punching him in the side.
They joke and rough around, stopping when they are standing in front of me. I swallow down my nerves as I smile at Sonny before launching myself at him, jumping into his arms, which catch me without warning. He stumbles back a couple steps but keeps us both upright as I’m wrapped around him. He feels different and so much the same.
“Fuck, you smell good,” he whispers into my ear. His lips lightly kiss just behind it, making my skin break out in goosebumps.
“I’ve dreamt about this moment every day,” I cry into his neck. “I missed you.” He holds me close to him, wrapped in him, for a few minutes that are far too short.
Picking up my head, I stare into the same grey eyes that appear in my dreams every night. Slowly, I slide down his body until my feet touch the ground again, biting my lips as I peer up at him through my black-coated lashes that I’m sure are beginning to run down my face.
His hands go to my cheeks as he stares down at me. Wiping my tears away, he leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead. My eyes close, reveling in the feel of them. It’s like oxygen to my soul feeling him with me like this again, his warmth wrapping around me.
I’ve craved him, his touch, his warmth all these years. Feeling cold and alone and like something—someone—was missing.
He was missing.
Taking a step back, he stares at me with a soft smile on his handsome face. I try to hold back the sob that caught in my chest. It rises to my throat, and I can’t hold it in any longer. It bubbles out, pouring at his feet, everything that I felt or missed or needed or longed for all coming to the surface. I roll my lips inward to cut off my cries. To muffle and push it all down like I’ve always been so good at doing.
Dez takes this moment to remind us of his presence, stepping into my side and wrapping me in his arms. I lean into him like I have almost every day. He’s been my rock, my best friend. He’s filled the empty space that was left behind.
“Come on, baby, let’s get to the car. I’m sure big man wants to get outta here.”
Opening my wet eyes, I look up at Sonny. His brow is pulled together tightly, his face showing a mixture of confusion and what I think is anger and maybe jealousy. I don’t like that look on him. It’s one he has no reason to have.
Besides, he’s the one who left and then chose not to see me. He’s the one who pushed back and told Dez to keep me away and to take care of me for him.
I was so pissed when Dez told me. The week after I saw Sonny for visitation, I begged him to take me back. I even tried a few times to sneak here on my own, but Desmond always knew. I don’t know how, but he did.