I creep from the bed to pee and brush my teeth. Apollo’s bathroom is nice, if a little small, but it’s surprisingly cleaner than I expected from a busy bachelor. God knows Lucien was a disaster until he started paying for a cleaning service. Maybe that is what Apollo does too. I suppose I am assuming he is as messy as Lucien because the two of them were always so similar.
When I enter the bedroom again, I crawl back in bed and scoot close to him, my back to his front. He snuffles quietly, burying his face in my hair. How I hope that everything he felt and said last night is still true today. He said I was his, and while I want that more than my next breath, I’m afraid to hope too hard. I know he’s terrified to tell Lucien, and honestly, I just want to tell him that my brother is fine with it, but I’m going to trust Lucien on this one. He knows him better than I do. In some ways. I obviously know things about Apollo now that my brother never will. A smile pulls at my lips from that thought.
“Morning,” Apollo whispers, face still in my hair.
“Morning.”
“I have to pee. Stay right here?”
“Of course.”
“Good.”
He climbs out of bed, his hair wild from sleep, his stubble dark and thick. He scratches his belly as he disappears in the bathroom. When he returns minutes later, his hair has been tamed with a bit of water. He gets in bed again, cuddling close to me.
“Did you sleep well?” he asks.
“Perfectly. You?”
“Really good. I liked feeling you next to me.”
“It feels good to be here.”
Apollo rises, propped on his elbow as he gazes down at me. “Felix…”
My heart speeds up. Please don’t let it be over yet. It’s too soon. I need more time for him to fall in love with me. Just a little more time, s'il vous plaît, Madam Universe.
“Last night,” Apollo continues, “was the answer to all the questions I’ve had for months since realizing I was into guys. The idea of sex with men turned me on, but I had no practical knowledge.”
I nod, searching his eyes.
“Hey,” he says, smoothing his fingers over my brow. “Why do you look so worried?”
“Perhaps I am afraid you are going to say it’s not for you.”
Apollo’s eyes soften. “Oh, it’s for me, Felix. You are for me. You blew me the fuck away last night. Literally, mind blown. You were exactly what I needed. You took charge and taught me and let me explore and learn. I don’t have questions anymore. You are the answer.”
“Apollo…” I try to blink back the tears forming in my eyes. “You are so romantic with your words. You make my heart...hope.”
“Hope? For what?”
The words are teasing my lips. I want to tell him. Finally give voice and life to the feelings that I planted years ago before I knew what any of it truly meant. Feelings that Apollo began watering a few weeks ago. Feelings that are now blooming and growing. But it’s too soon. He needs to see what this could be and commit to it. He needs to feel brave enough to face Lucien.
“Babe?”
I smile. “Hope that it lasts.”
Apollo smiles. “Good. I hope that it does too. I…” He pauses, shaking his head as if trying to find words. “Felix, the way you make me feel…it’s like nothing else I’ve experienced. Not just the physical either. Just how I feel when you’re around. When I think about you, it’s new and exciting.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
He plays with a lock of my hair. “I meant what I said last night. The after-sex glow is gone. Here we are in the clarity of morning.” Apollo’s smile grows. “Will you be my man, Felix?”
“I already am, Apollo. I have always been yours.”
“Officially then. Just you and me. I want to see how far we can take this. I’ll admit, I think we can fly past the stars together. That’s how you make me feel.”
My stomach flutters with butterflies I’ve kept locked in a cage, afraid to let them take flight and then watch them fade away when Apollo realizes this isn’t what he wants. But maybe…
“When will you tell Lucien? I think that is a bridge to be crossed for you.”
“Not for you?”
“I do not care if my brother approves. I do not care if the entire world does or does not approve. I learned long ago that to be happy, I cannot be concerned with the thoughts of others, even those I love. Lucien will understand and support us, but if he does not, does that change your mind?”
Apollo frowns. “It doesn’t change my mind, but I have in my head what I want to be able to tell him when the time is right. This is a step in that direction.” He sits up, pulling me upright with him. As he takes my hands in his, he searches my eyes, pulling me into his orbit even deeper than I was. “Felix. I want to tell your family, Lucien and your parents, that it’s serious and real and we’re in love.”
My heart screeches to a stop. “In love?”
He nods. “I want them to know it’s not casual. We’re not just fucking around. I want them to know it’s love, when we get there.”
I blink rapidly. When we get there. Right. I have to remember he’s only had a few weeks with me. It’s not reasonable to expect him to catch up to the years I’ve been falling in love with him. Being home again has only proven to me that my love was more than a crush. It’s real.
“I understand.”
“Good. So, are we doing this?”
“You are absolutely sure?”
“Not only am I sure, I now believe that…” He shakes his head, chuckling nervously. “God, I hope I don’t freak you out saying this, but I honestly believe that you were meant for me, Felix. This entire journey that I’ve been on led me to this moment. It feels so right. Yeah. That.”
A tear slides down my cheek. “It is a happy tear,” I explain with a smile as I brush it away. “I always thought you would only be a dream for me.”
“You’ve always liked me?”
“Always. You were how I knew I was gay.” I laugh. “My entire romantic experience has been shaped by memories of you. I have looked for someone who made my insides melt with a smile, like you do. Someone who looked at me the way you did even though I knew you saw me as a child, as just Lucien’s baby brother, but still, the way you looked at me made me feel special. Seen. I always wanted that, but I did not find it until you looked at me again.”
“Felix…”
“I would show you the cookies or cakes I made, and you would gush your praise and tell me how delicious they were. I was making them for you.” I blink away more tears. “I am so emotional because I never thought I could tell you these things. It feels so good to let them out.”
“I’m so honored. I did see you as special. You were funny and sweet and very talented. I kept the drawing you did of me, you, and Lucien on the porch. It’s in a box somewhere, but it made me smile so much that you would make that. Include me. I loved it.”
“You kept that?”
“Yeah.”
“That makes my heart sing. Merci, Apollo.”
He leans in and presses a soft kiss to my lips. “No, merci, Felix, for sharing all of this with me.” He smiles. “I think we can really have something amazing here. Do you agree?”