“You should. I love everything about you.”
Felix searches my eyes, as if looking for a deeper meaning behind my words, and I hope he finds it.
“What is one thing you have always wanted in a relationship but could not find?” he asks.
“Lots of things.”
“Tell me some, please.” He plays with the hair on my chest. “I will tell you mine.”
I nod. “I guess the biggest one is feeling like I was important to that person. That I mattered more than casual hanging out. I never had that moment where I could see a future and feel like they wanted it back. Only once with Rachel, and even then, it felt like I was just going through the motions because I wanted to settle down.”
“I understand.”
“I want simple things, I think,” I continue. “Like a note or a text that I was thought of during the day. Favorite cake on my birthday. Little things to show the person cared.”
“Those are simple things.”
“You met Casper, right?”
“Yes.”
“Saint does things for him that I can’t even imagine someone doing for me. If he needs water, it appears. Food, Saint gets it for him. It’s like Saint is so in tune to Casper’s needs, it’s second nature.”
“Yes, I noticed at brunch. Casper comes to the bakery, and they go to Saint's office.” He smiles. “Genesis tells me he is making sure Saint has a good day.”
I chuckle. “I’ve heard that too. It’s awesome.”
“Yes.” He tickles my belly. “You have an office. I would gladly visit and make sure you have a good day.”
“I would love that. Now you. Something you've always wanted?”
“So many things. Connection, desire.” He sighs. “In my fantasies of you, we had very passionate, filthy sex, so check.”
I laugh. “What else did I do for you in your fantasies?”
His cheeks burst with pinkness. “Oh, I thought I was brave enough to tell you, but I am not. I should not have started this.”
“Babe. After what we did today, you can tell me anything.”
He nods. “Good point. Fantasy Apollo enjoyed gestures of…” He swallows hard, tucking his hair behind his ear and looking more nervous than I’ve ever seen him. “Gestures of love for me. Big and small. Sometimes privately and other times in public because you were so proud of me, even though…” His voice breaks as his eyes well with tears. “Merde.”
“What’s up, baby? Tell me. Why are you emotional?”
“I am confident, like I was saying, but I always thought you would only see me as a baby brother. Besides the fact that I thought you were straight.” He laughs, wiping his eyes. “I spent hours imagining that you could see me as a man. Desire me. The way that I am. A little chubby, a lot fem, sassy, and French. Obsessed with baking and lingerie. But I love hard, Apollo, when I love. What has been missing from every relationship was you. All I have ever wanted is to love you and have you love me back.”
“Felix…”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to feel that way about me yet. I know it’s so new for you, but for me…” He shakes his head, pausing to collect himself. “I worried that I was in love with an imaginary person. I thought maybe I created you in my mind, and in real life you were not a man I would want. I sometimes wished that was true because then I would be okay never having you.”
“Babe…”
“But you are not imaginary. You are real, and far better than my limited imagination could create.”
“Felix, are you in love with me?”
He looks terrified as he subtly nods. “I have always been in love with you. Now it’s just real, and vivid, and tangible. Now it is not unrequited with no hope in sight. Now I have a chance.”
I sit us up, gripping his hands. “I was afraid you would reject it.”
“Love? From you? You have not been paying attention, mon amour.”
“I always pay attention. Every movement, every word, every sigh. I have memorized every freckle dotting your face. I thought you would reject it if I told you while we were naked in bed.”
“Ah, yes, that is fair. Clarity is important when discussing matters of the heart.”
“Yes, that’s true.”
An idea settles over me as I gaze into the gorgeous green of his eyes. He wants gestures, big and public? He’s going to get them.
“Thank you, Felix.”
“For what?”
“Everything we’ve done together. Everything we will do together.” I kiss his hand. “But mostly, thank you for telling me what’s in your heart. I am moved.”
“I was afraid to tell you, afraid to scare you, but saying the words gives me the best feeling I’ve ever had. Even better than kissing you or feeling you in my mouth. Thank you for accepting it.”
“You’re safe with me, Felix. Your heart, your dreams, your fears. You can share all of them with me. I won’t let you fall.”
“I have already fallen.”
“Then I will catch you.”
“Merci. I am also glad…” His brow pinches. “Once, a long time ago, I told a man I was dating that I thought I was in love with him. I wasn’t, but at the time I did not know that. He was the first man I dated for more than a few weeks.”
I watch Felix twist his lips, gazing down at his hands before shifting his eyes back to me.
“He immediately said it back to me. So I thought it was true.”
“And?”
“It was not true. We fell apart shortly after that. No big reason, there was just no…” He waves his hands. “Fire. He told me though that he did not love me. He said it because it was awkward not to say it back.” He offers a slight smile. “I appreciate your thoughtfulness not to say it only in reply, but to wait until you mean it.”
I nearly bite my tongue to keep from saying it right this second. Now he’d really believe I was just saying it. My mind races with words to reassure him without ruining this moment until it comes to me.
“When I say it, you will know without a doubt that I mean it.”
“I will wait with anticipation.” He pokes my stomach playfully. “Now, I have a need.”
“Name it.”
“I need your dick, Apollo. Inside me.”
I grin. “Absolutely.”
I tackle Felix on the bed, claiming his mouth again. Kissing him is one of my new joys in life, and I swear I could lose myself in his lips. I suckle the bottom one, dragging it gently through my teeth, earning a gorgeous moan in response.
Our dicks rub together, quickly getting hard with the heat our bodies generate. I reach down, stroking him as he fucks into my hand.
“You are so greedy,” I tease. “What am I going to do with you?”
“Fuck me.”
I gaze down at him. “You have no idea how much I want to.”
“But I do,” he says, stroking my cock. “You are so big. It’s going to hurt me.”
I tilt my head. “Why do you sound delighted by that?”
“Ah, you are paying attention. Let’s just say I enjoy a little pain with my pleasure.”