At the bottom was the membership sign up, and I hovered my mouse over it, still feeling apprehensive about taking that leap into the unknown. Then I thought, ‘Fuck it. What do I have to lose? Not a lot at the moment.’ And I clicked to join.
For the purpose of anonymity and to partake in the chat on the forums, I had to give a username. I wracked my brains for something that’d fit, looking around my room for inspiration. When I glanced up at the bookshelf above my desk, I had my lightbulb moment. I loved Game of Thrones, and what better character to base my name on than the one who represented my current state of body and mind.
Lady Stoneheart.
A shell of a woman who was vengeful and had no mind for the consequences of her actions or what it would mean for the future; she could only focus on the here and now, much like me. She was a character that could barely speak after a brutal attack and had to cover the wound in her throat to be heard. I might not have a wound people could see, but the pain was there, and it made it difficult for me to speak too. And like Lady Stoneheart, I would be relentless in my plight for revenge for my family. At least, that was the original plan, but now, I felt like my main plight was to survive to see another day. One thing was clear though, I wanted to show him what he’d done to me when he took away the most important person in my life. He needed to know about the pain he’d caused.
I typed in my handle LadyStoneheart23 and clicked send on my profile. Instantly, a list of chatroom titles popped up, each one referring to a different type of bereavement. There was the lost my parents, lost my mum, lost my dad, lost a grandparent. They even had one for lost my pet. Then I found what I was looking for; lost a sibling. I clicked to enter, and the chat opened up.
LadyStoneheart23 has joined the chat
EmoGirl- I think the people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes, Fucking_Alan.
JoeNotExotic- I doubt he leaves his parent’s basement very often. The only action he gets is from Pam… You know, Pam of his hand.
EmoGirl- Hey Lady, welcome to the madhouse.
JoeNotExotic- Hi Lady!
Fucking_Alan- Lady, I hope you are one. These douche canoes are roasting me today.
HangingWithMyGnomies- You brought it on yourself, Alan. Hey Lady!
I’d obviously joined the chat at a crucial point in their stage of grieving. I was intrigued to find out why they were all hating on Alan, although his username did kind of give him away. I didn’t want to type anything yet though. Even though a few had said hi, I wasn’t ready to jump in.
Fucking_Alan- Gnomio, you wish you had my way with the ladies. I know you only log on these days to hear about my exploits. Looking for tips are ya?
HangingWithMyGnomies- Pretty sure the earth revolves around the sun not you, Alan. The only tip I’d accept from you would be in pound sterling, mate.
Fucking_Alan- Jealousy isn’t a good look on you.
EmoGirl- Alan, your date climbed out of the bathroom window after you told her if she ate much more, you’d be rolling her home. I don’t think he needs those kinds of tips.
Fucking_Alan- It was a JOKE, people. Do chicks not have a sense of humour these days?
JoeNotExotic- Dude, if you’re trying to improve the world you should really start with yourself. Nothing needs more help than you do.
Fucking_Alan- I don’t need help. I’m perfect as I am. In the immortal words of the great Mac Davis, ‘Oh Lord, it’s so hard to be humble, when you’re perfect in every way. I get frightened to look in the mirror, ‘cos I get better looking each day.’
EmoGirl- I’d be frightened to see how fat your head was. You should change your username to elephant man.
Fucking_Alan- Now that’s just rude, EmoGirl. Not to mention disability-ist or whatever they call it. To know me is to love me. And I’m one hellova man.
JoeNotExotic- You’re one hellova something. Maybe I shouldn’t type it on here. This is a public chatroom.
Fucking_Alan- Joe, knock yourself out. No, really. Go and knock yourself out *Insert punch emoji* and do us all a favour. Just joking! Before you all jump on the troll express. Joe, you know I love you.
HangingWithMyGnomies- Careful, Joe. Sounds like he wants to take you on a date next.
JoeNotExotic- Lol. I’m JoeNotExotic, otherwise known as the troll king, the gay, keyboard warrior nerdy kid… not a mullet in sight over here. I’d chew you up and spit you out, Alan. Still want a piece of me?
Fucking_Alan- Which piece are you offering?
EmoGirl- Fuck’s sake. New girl, lady, must think we’re a bunch of weirdos.
Fucking_Alan- Speak for yourself, Emo.
EmoGirl- Jesus loves you, Alan. Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
Fucking_Alan- I’m thinking of changing my name to CaroleBasketcase, just so we look like a couple, Joe.
JoeNotExotic- To be honest, we’d never work, Alan. I’m a unicorn and you’re a donkey. I’m majestic and you, my dear, are just an ass.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading. This wasn’t what I was expecting when I logged on. Not one of them had mentioned a lost brother or sister. I guessed this was what the charity had meant when they said it was run by the members for the members and no subject was off limits. Looked like Alan had brought an extra large spoon into the chat with him so he could stir shit up.
I saw a few private chats pop up along the bottom of my screen and hesitated, wondering if I should open them or not. I clicked on the one from EmoGirl first. She seemed like one of the saner members of the group.
EmoGirl- Hey. Don’t let Alan put you off. Everyone is really cool in here. Alan is a knob, but you’ll get used to him.
LadyStoneheart23- I gotta admit, this wasn’t the chat I expected when I came on here.
EmoGirl- It can get darker. We try to keep it light. We all have our demons in here and most of us prefer to suppress them. You okay?
I stared at the cursor blinking back at me. Was I okay? I guess I needed to be honest.
LadyStoneheart23- Not really.
EmoGirl- Wanna talk about it? No pressure.
LadyStoneheart23- I lost my brother a few weeks ago.
EmoGirl- That’s tough. So you’re still in those early stages? Must feel pretty raw, huh?
LadyStoneheart23- Yep. He was my twin.
EmoGirl- Ouch.