I nodded and stayed quiet.
“Brandon?” She reached over and put her hand over mine. “I’m saying this from a place of love, so please don’t go off on one, but you do act like a bull in a china shop over most things. You have the kind of intensity that can sometimes be intimidating. You never take no for an answer. You’re head strong to the point of insanity, and you’ve always done whatever the hell you want. And that’s been fine, for now. Most of us didn’t call you out on it, and those that did, you just shot them down.”
I laughed at her honesty.
“What happened to the apology I just had? Feels like you’re pissing all over that now, Winters.”
She couldn’t hold back her own chuckle. “I like that you’re calling me Winters again. Kinda feels like old times.”
We both smiled, and I decided to do what Harper had told me I never do; I listened.
“With Harper, you need to do things differently. She isn’t like the other girls you’ve been around. She’s tough, but she has a vulnerability at the moment that you need to respect. She’s confused, about a lot of things. Her life has changed immeasurably in the last few months. I know what it’s like to lose a brother. It’s devastating. But to lose a twin? That’s the next level of heartache.”
“She didn’t know him as well as she thinks she did,” I said, with the images of the Brodie I remembered swimming around in my consciousness.
“Do any of us ever know anyone? At the end of the day, he was her twin brother. He died and she’s heartbroken. Now, she’s trying to find her way back. She has to figure this out on her own, Brandon. You can’t do it for her. I’ve been to visit her. I’ve chatted with her about it all, and I think, deep down, she knows it was a tragic accident, but she has to come to that conclusion in her own time. You can’t force it. Nothing you say or do will make it happen. You have to give her space. Time is a great healer and if you can give her that, and it’s meant to be, she will come to you.”
A great speech, but I still wasn’t convinced.
“She won’t. She hates me.”
“She hates what happened. She doesn’t know you, Brandon. Not like we do.”
“I don’t think I can stay away.” I told her because what was the point in lying? I was here because I needed help.
“I know it’s not in your nature to take a back seat, and trust me, I’ll go and see her, put in a good word for you. But you have no choice here. You have to let her find her own way.”
I trusted Emily, and if she was going to see Harper, and talk to her, then I guessed that was better than nothing. I still wasn’t sure I could be totally silent though.
“You’re really good at this, aren’t you? You should consider a career in counselling. I think I’d keep you busy for years if you took me on. I’d probably help to get yours and Ryan’s kids through college too with my fees.”
“But I’d never charge you. We’re friends. It’s what friends do. Listen, concentrate on your fight this weekend. Put all your energy into that. I know you’re good at channelling your demons into your boxing, so do it now. Give Harper space; she needs it. And if you need to vent, come to me. Sometimes, another woman’s perspective helps. Ryan is too similar to you. You both have cavemen instincts when it comes to your women.”
“Nothing wrong with a caveman,” I said, sitting taller.
“No, there isn’t. But clubbing her over the head and dragging her back to your cave isn’t going to work with this one. You need to play smarter.”
“Smarter, huh? I guess I can try that.”
There’s always a first time for everything.
We heard Ryan shuffling about impatiently in the living room. He obviously didn’t like being away from her for too long, or didn’t like me being close to her. So, we both stood up at the same time and then Emily wrapped her arms around me. My second hug of the day and it was another genuine one. But hugging her back, I realised everything she’d said was true. My body didn’t react to her in the same way it did with Harper. I wasn’t in love with Emily Winters. My heart and mind belonged to a girl who couldn’t stand the sight of me.
My little warrior.
I just prayed that eventually she’d see what I saw. That we’d been brought together by the worst thing imaginable, but things happened for a reason, and maybe she was mine. Maybe she was my reason to try to be better in this world.
That’s if she’d have me.
I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I was tired. Exhausted from carrying around so much anger, guilt, frustration and grief. Like a broken record playing on repeat, I could hear Brandon’s voice in my head, chipping away at my walls.
It was an accident.
I didn’t want it to happen.
I didn’t want any of this.
I didn’t want it either, but it’d happened and now I had to find some way to deal with it before it totally destroyed me.
I’d never read any of the reports on the fight. I hadn’t looked at the newspapers, or the stories online. I hadn’t even read the police report or anything from the hospital. I couldn’t face it before. But I realised that I was a hypocrite. I’d accused Brandon of not listening, but I was refusing to listen too. I didn’t want to hear what the doctors, the police or my own parents were telling me. Maybe now it was time to open myself up and face the reality of Brodie’s death.
I found the folder my Dad kept hidden in our sideboard in the kitchen diner, filled with every piece of information he’d gathered about that night, and I took it up to my room. Then I sat down, and I read every single thing I found in there. It wasn’t easy to read, and as I delved deeper into the facts, I became angry.
Doesn’t Brodie get to take some of the responsibility too?
I thought about what Brandon had said, and I felt my chest ache with the realisation that Brodie was to blame as well. He’d put himself at risk. He’d ignored me when I begged him not to fight and did it anyway. He was as focused on winning as Brandon was.
Only Brodie wasn’t well, was he?
He’d hidden that from all of us, and it made me angry. Why hadn’t he told me? Why had he gone ahead with it knowing he wasn’t at his best? In all his bravado, he hadn’t ever put us first. He hadn’t thought about what it’d be like for us to live a life without him. He hadn’t taken care of himself. His pride had trumped everything else, even me.
I placed the documents back into the folder and opened my laptop, ready to do some research of my own. A subarachnoid haemorrhage was what the doctors called it. Looking at all the articles online, I realised that Brodie’s chances of surviving something like that would’ve been slim. If he had survived, his life would never have been the same. I didn’t even want to picture what that would’ve meant for him, but I knew it wasn’t pretty. I also knew Brodie wouldn’t have wanted to live like that.
My heart felt heavy as I trawled through websites to try and get my head around it all. My whole body was shaking, but finding out about it, seeing it in plain English, written in black and white, that was something I’d had to do. I needed this to help me move on and begin to accept what I couldn’t change.