She gripped me even harder, speaking in my ear when she said, “We’re going to get through it, just keep going.”
There was no breath in my body, no air anywhere in this room, but somehow, I continued, “The three of us were at a bar, drinking. I’d been there for hours, and it was time for me to go home.”
It all began to replay—the expression on Oliver’s face as we’d stood outside the pub, the feel of his lips on mine, the roughness of his whiskers on my cheek.
“He kissed me, Molly.” I swallowed and tried to open my lungs. “And I fought it. Oh God, I fought it.” I wiped the tears only so I could see the truth in her eyes, so I could torture myself again over it. “But then I stopped fighting … and I kissed him back.” My chest was so tight that my words sounded like I was hyperventilating. “A few seconds was all it lasted, and then I freaked out, and he apologized.”
She gave me a look, but I put my hand up to silence her.
“Before you say anything, we’re both at fault.” Tears were covering my lips, and I swiped my tongue across them. “I don’t know what the fuck happened to me.” The words were clenching my tongue, my throat, but I had to get them out. “I love my husband, Molly. I love him more than anything, and I don’t know what to do.”
She lifted my hand again, putting the glass to my lips. “Finish it.”
The vodka burned all the way down, and I continued swallowing until there was only ice left. “What do I do?”
She was breathing so fast that I could see her fingers were white on my arm even through the tears. “Did you ever tell Lance that you work with Oliver?”
I shook my head.
Because I’d never expected …
This.
“You’ve been there three months. If you tell him now, it’s only going to make things worse, especially after what happened.”
My stomach was churning, my mouth watering. “I know.”
She was quiet for several seconds. “You know this is wrong; you don’t need me to tell you that. I’ve never been the friend to judge you, and I’m certainly not going to start now. But, babe, there are obviously still feelings there, and you have to make a decision.”
I could see the pain I was causing her, and I hated myself for it.
“Do you want to ruin your marriage and everything you guys have built together?”
“No.”
It wasn’t louder than a breath, but it was honest, and I could tell she’d heard me.
Her eyes turned more serious than I’d ever seen them, and her hands made sure my attention didn’t shift anywhere. “Then, tell Oliver it was a huge mistake and that you were caught up in memories, but you’ve moved on with your life. Even if it hurts. Even if it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do, you have to stop.”
London: Talk to me, sweet girl.
Me: This is incredibly difficult.
London: It always has been for us.
Me: I feel like I can’t breathe.
London: That’s how I feel without you.
“Did you have a good time with Molly?” Lance asked as I walked into the kitchen of our condo, where he was working at the island.
Since I’d been traveling back and forth to Europe, he’d been doing more of that now.
Something I’d appreciated until I returned home from this trip and hated the feel of my own skin.
“It was good to see her,” I said, putting on a smile as I went over to the fridge.
My hands were shaking as I grabbed the bottle of water, my legs feeling weak as I turned around, not realizing Lance was standing directly behind me.
I hadn’t heard him.
Or felt him.
But now, he was reaching over my head, getting something off the shelf behind me, and as he neared my body, I did everything I could not to shake.
His arm dropped to his side, and his face came closer, the softness of his cheek brushing against mine. His lips moved to the corner of my mouth, and he whispered, “I love that I can do this anytime I want for the next two weeks.” He gave me the softest kiss on my cheek before he walked back over to his laptop.
“Me too,” I breathed, and I pushed my back against the closed fridge. “This is much harder than I thought it was going to be.” I stayed there, frozen, unable to move because everything inside me was screaming.
“You look like you’re still on Amsterdam time.”
I glanced at my husband, not remembering when I had looked away. And my fingers squeezed the top of the bottle, the teeth on the plastic ring biting my skin. “I am.”
“Go take a bath, baby. The jet lag should be gone by tomorrow.”
I put on another smile, something I’d been perfecting since I’d been home, and I carried the bottle through the kitchen and into our bathroom where I turned the water on as hot as it would go.
Forty-Four
“Good morning, gorgeous,” Oliver said as he looked through the doorway of my office.
Even though this section of the building didn’t have glass walls, I’d felt him in the air before I heard his voice.
I’d only been back in Amsterdam for less than twelve hours, and he was already consuming me.
But now that he stood here, our eyes connecting, my body responding like he was breathing over my naked skin, a wave of dread moved through me that was fucking fierce.
“Hi,” I said softly, staring at a face that was so incredibly handsome that I had to force myself to look away. “I know we have to talk.”
That was what I’d told him through text the day after my conversation with Molly, and for the rest of my time in Boston, I’d tried to keep things as short as possible with him. Because those two weeks home with Lance were everything I’d needed them to be. And when I’d gotten on the plane, I had returned to Amsterdam with a purpose.
To never see Oliver again.
Oh God.
His arms crossed as he leaned into the frame. “I’ll be in the bar of your hotel at six thirty tonight.”
His eyes told me he’d waited long enough to talk, and he didn’t want to wait anymore.
“I’ll be there,” I told him.
His gaze narrowed just before he said good-bye and walked out.
Seeing Oliver this early in the day, knowing what I had to do tonight, made for an extremely long morning and an even more torturous afternoon, and I left work before I should have. I just couldn’t take it anymore. And when I arrived in my room, I poured myself some champagne and soaked in my tub, hoping to find the calm I needed.
When my nerves were a little quieter, the water no longer scorching me, I got out and dressed in a pair of jeans and an off-the-shoulder long-sleeve shirt. I left my hair down in loose waves, only adding some lip gloss to my face.
I took a final look in the mirror, knowing the next time I was in this bathroom, my heart was going to feel much different than it did right now.
But I had to do this.
For Lance.
For us.
I swallowed, releasing the counter, and then I went downstairs to the lobby bar.
Since I was a few minutes early, I went up to the bartender and ordered a glass of champagne. As I watched him fill a flute all the way to the top, I said, “I’m going to charge it to my room.”