“It’s okay that I call you that, right? It’s just that…. None of us know your real name. But we’re all so happy you’re here. You have no idea how inspired we all are. Well, I mean, I’m sure you do, since you have all those new followers and you won the award and everything. I’m so happy to meet you. Your paintings are incredible, but the message behind them is revolutionary. Oh my God, I’m rambling. I should shut up.” Her pretty face is pinched with worry and she looks at me wide eyed and waits for me to speak.
It takes me a minute because the admiration that’s shining in her eyes is mind boggling. This whole thing has been. But her excitement is contagious and I smile at her.
“My name is Beth and thank you for saying all of that. I’m excited to be here.” I wish I was better at speaking off the cuff. I wrote and memorized my speech for tonight to make sure I didn’t forget anything.
“Let’s get you backstage. They’re going to mic you up, and then you’ll hear the introduction and the award presentation and I’ll escort you onto the stage. You can make as long or as short of a speech as you want. We’re all here for you.”
Half an hour later, I’m taking deep breaths, trying to find my focus as I wait for the presentation to start.
“This evenings recipient is one of the most exciting we’ve had since Upward started having this event. Ladies and gentleman, if you’ve had a chance to view the artwork in the brochure, then you know that we’re in the presence of greatness. And not just because she’s got such a unique and outstanding talent. But because of the way she’s chosen to use it. She’s the youngest recipient of this award, but one of the most outstanding. She’s started a movement - one that’s asked us to look at ourselves and see the good. One that encourages us to celebrate the true beauty in each other. She’s been a shining example to the young women from all over the world who follow her.”
I stop paying attention and scan the crowd. I see my girls, the students I teach at the YMCA, sitting at the table Upward gave me so I could invite people to come and support me. I invited them because they care, but also as an apology. They had no idea that IG account was mine.
After Upward’s write-up about me and the announcement of my having won the award, I knew that if I was going to accept it in person, I had to tell them first.
They were amazed and a few of them were hurt that I hadn’t told them, because all of them follow the account.
My followers and requests ballooned over night. I couldn’t keep up with the requests. And it killed me to read their stories and only be able to respond with a few lines of an apology by email. Porsha suggested a Facebook group. So we started one and had three thousand members by the end of the first week. They share with me, and each other. A few them have made their own “mirrors” and they share those, too.
There are these women, all over the world who feel inadequate when they compare themselves to the images that the world says are what they’re supposed to look like.
I try to give them a place where they don’t hear “work harder, eat less, smile more” in answer to their cries for help.
I’m not Oprah or anything, but I’ve got this community online now. And what started as a way to express myself and give something back in return - has turned into a movement.
“With no further ado, I give you the artist we all know as The Free Beth.”
The crowd is on their feet as I walk out onto the stage. My heart is racing and I scan the crowd for my touchstone and smile when I see Joe beaming with pride at our table. I smile at him and he nods and places one of his gnarled hands over his heart.
I glance down, ready to start my speech. I skim the first couple of lines while the crowd settles.
God, can I really do this?
Yes, I can.
I adjust the microphone and look out at the now expectant crowd. My heart is thudding so hard that my throat feels like it’s quaking. I’m so scared. But, I know that this the only way I can break free.
“Good evening, everyone. First, I want to thank Upward for this incredible honor. I dedicate it to the people whose shoulders I stand on. It’s because of them that I can see so far.” My nerves are still running high and so I take a second to find Joe in the crowd. He smiles encouragement at me.
“When I started painting the portraits that have captured so many imaginations, I didn’t think that anyone would even see them. I certainly never thought I’d stand on a stage in front of a room full of people who wanted to thank me for painting them. I’ll be honest and tell you that when I found out that I was being given this award, I wasn’t sure I was ready to make my public debut.
“Not because I don’t believe in my art, I do. I paint with purpose. Every stroke carries a part of my heart that I want to share. But because I was afraid you’d be disappointed by the human being behind the work. I’m no visionary and contrary to the paintings I share of myself online, I don’t really have wings.” I turn my back as if to show them.
A ripple of laughter runs through the room and I relax a little as the room warms up.
“I’m just someone who’s been able to get back up after every fall. I’ve gathered up the broken pieces and put them back together. I’ve tried again, countless times. It was only as I was thinking about what I’d say tonight that I realized how remarkable that is. Cause, I’ve had a few crash landings. My brother told me I was born with this irrepressible hunger for more. He’d say it like it was a good thing. I thought of it as a curse. I wanted things that were so far out of my reach, that I didn’t even bother trying.” I admit and think of how I’d let myself be a prisoner in my grandmother’s house. That will never happen to me again.
“One of the questions the lady from the foundation asked me was why I didn’t show my face. I told her it was because what I look like isn’t important. But that’s only part of the answer. The truth is, I wasn’t sure people would respond to my art the same way if they could actually see me.”
I cringe as a few nervous laughs come from the crowd. “I know, I know. I’ve built a movement that encourages women to take pride in their inner beauty,” I say as if I’m commiserating with them. “But, I’m a work in progress. I’ve spent the last few months dismantling a mindset that was built over the course of a lifetime by very skilled and determined architects. I was taught that my value was rooted in how close I came to the standards of beauty that we see on TV, in movies, in film, online. I wasn’t anything close to that, and because my father said so, I’ve spent my whole life thinking I was nothing.
“I accepted good enough because I thought that was my due. A father who didn’t love me was better than no family at all. A prison was better than having no shelter from the rain.”
I smile brightly at the crowd.
“And then, I met someone who looked at me and somehow saw the beauty that I carried inside. It was that simple. I got a glimpse of what a full life might be like. He showed me what family, love, joy, and freedom felt like. If the random order of birth had put me in a cage, his love was the key fashioned to fit its lock.”
“The power of a new perspective changed my life. Six months ago, I walked away from a secure future because I knew it would kill me slowly. The future I chose instead was full of curves and shadowed valleys, but populated with dreams I was willing to die for. And you know what I found, ya’ll? All of those times I’d fallen before? They weren’t manifest destiny. They were preparation. I got up stronger, smarter, less afraid of everything. So that when I was finally free, I could see the truth of things. I wasn’t born to endure, or break, I was born to fly.”