I know I should stop, but then her thighs fall apart, and her hips tilt up and I know there’s no stopping this.
“Are you wet?” I ask her what I already know.
She nods.
“Say it,” I demand in a low whisper.
“Yes. Very.”
“Touch yourself,” I urge, the devil in me taking over.
Her eyes dart to the hall where my mother and Joe disappeared.
“No one’s coming, do it,” I reassure her.
“Okay,” she whispers. Her chest heaves with a huge inhale before she closes her eyes and slides a hand under her skirt.
I almost come when her arm starts to move.
“Carter,” Her sobbed moan is a command and my hands itch to obey.
Her head falls back, exposing the long column of her exquisite neck, that birth mark right in the center of it is calling my name.
I burn with jealousy at the hand that’s stroking the cunt that was once my salvation. Now, to touch it myself, would spell my ruin.
“Have you fucked anyone else?” My voice is snarl.
“No.” Her moan is quiet but fierce.
“Don’t you want to know if I have?” I ask her eyes fly open, the blue blazing hot and fierce.
“I don’t care. Stop talking,” she says through clenched teeth. And even in my agony, I can’t suppress my chuckle.
Her hand is moving furiously, her breaths coming quicker. Mere seconds later, her knees snap together and her back arches off the couch.
Her face contorts in a wondrous exhibition of the pleasure she’s found and it sends me over the edge.
I come in my pants like a schoolboy. But there’s nothing juvenile about the blistering ecstasy that renders me blind for the seconds it takes to run its course.
I open my eyes to find her laying back, eyes closed, face flushed.
The expression she’s wearing is one I know well.
And this is the last time I’ll ever do it again.
I thought I was equipped for this.
I’ve never been more wrong about anything in my whole life.
This road will lead me straight to a hell I won’t survive. It’s going to hurt. But I already know that pain is an excellent teacher. It succeeded in teaching me lessons that common sense, moral compasses, and love all failed to.
I know what I have to do.
“In every way I can, I love you. But, I can’t live like this…I don’t think we should see each other again,” I say before I stand and walk away.
Free Fall
BETH
My eyes open in time to see Carter shove to his feet and stalk out of the room. If his anger wasn’t clear from his clench jaw, and the curled fists at his side, the slam of the door behind him makes it clear.
I sit there, my feet firmly on the ground but inside, I’m in a free fall. Not because I’m confused about what just happened. But because of the way Carter responded.
I know he’s scared and hurt. Because I am, too. I’ve learned the hard way what happens when I let my fear decide, so I came here despite being afraid because I wanted to try.
He’s got the right to decide that this is not for him. As excruciating as that would be, I wouldn’t hold it against him. But his careless, unilateral pronouncement that our friendship is over leaves me cold and angry.
Whatever the nature of our relationship, I need to be able to trust him. And what he just did, the way he didn’t even stop to consider my feelings, tells me I can’t.
The door to the balcony opens and a gust of frigid air rushes into the room, startling me back to the present. In the disastrous aftermath of our illicit act, I’d forgotten where I was.
I swipe my tear stained face with the back of my hand and try to smile at Jack and Porsha when they come back in.
Jack raises an eyebrow at my failed attempt to hide my despair, and looks around the room, frowning. “Where’s Carter?” he asks.
“Upstairs, I think,” I say my voice tight with tension as I wait for him to make a snide remark. He doesn’t say anything. He glances at Porsha and clears his throat uncomfortably.
“Okay, uh, well, I’ll uh, go see him.”
The thundering of footsteps on the stairs has us turning in unison.
Carter is coming back, but not to join us. He’s got a navy blue, wool winter coat on, and he’s slipping a matching skull cap on.
Penn and Joe come back at the same time.
“I’m to the studio for a bit. Just to clear my head,” he says looking only at his mother.
“Carter, come on. Whatever it is…” Penn says.
“Mom, I’ve got to go,” he says, now not looking at anyone. He’s staring at the window, the muscle in his jaw working.
She sighs wearily. “Jack, will you go with him—“
“I’m not going to drink and I don’t need a babysitter,” he snaps and then closes his eyes, gathering his composure.
When he opens them, the anger is gone and there’s just misery.
“I’m so sorry. I am,” he says and then he turns and heads to the elevator.
Mercifully it opens immediately, and he steps on, and doesn’t turn around. Right before the doors close on him, I see his head drop and wish I could go after him.
“I’m going to the bathroom,” I say and walk down the hall before anyone can respond.
I splash water on my face, and then stare at myself. What is wrong with me.
A sharp knock on the door is the only warning I have before Porsha walks in.
She pulls me into a hug and I let my head fall to her shoulder with a weary sigh. It’s so good to not be alone.
“I’m sorry honey. Do you want to leave?” She asks, in that soothing way.
I’m so tempted to say yes. But if I leave with things like this, it will make everything so much harder. I take in a deep fortifying breath before I sit up straight.
“No, I’m fine. He’s out of my system.”
She leans in, and presses her lips to my ear.
“I see. Is that why you got each other off just now? Because he’s out of your system?”
I lurch away.
“You watched?” I ask in horrified accusation.
She shrugs, zero apology on her face
“Not the whole time, but from where I was sitting I had a good view.”
“Porsha, oh my God.” I cover my face with my hands
“Chill, I looked away once I realized what was going on. I’m not judging you,” she says and squeezes my hand reassuringly.
But my misery is compounded by her compassion. Judgement would at least help me make sense of my muddled emotions.
“This is so hard. But it was harder living without him. And it’s not just him, it’s the family, too. I don’t want to lose them, too.”
Penn and Joe are sitting with their heads bent in deep conversation when we walk back out.
“You okay, kiddo?” Joe asks.
“Yes,” I smile gratefully at him and then look to Penn.
Her eyes are on the stairs, Carter and Jack’s voices carry down to us and it’s clear they’re arguing. She wrings her hands.
“Penn, I’m sorry if I’ve made things uncomfortable.”
She turns to look at me, surprise widening her bright blue eyes and shakes her head.