As if she can sense my anxiety, I feel Ruby’s hand on my chest, her palm flattening against my heart as if to still me as her soft breaths brush against my neck.
“Will you tell me what happened tonight?” she whispers.
I let out a long slow exhale, scrubbing a hand down my face and back up into my hair as I stare up at the ceiling, my other arm wrapped around Ruby’s shoulders. “You know what happened,” I eventually say, forcing the words out.
Her hand brushes against my chest. “Yeah, but I want to hear you say it.”
“Why?” The word comes out harsh and I immediately regret the way it sounds as I say, “Sorry.”
Ruby pushes up on her elbow so she’s looking down at me, her hand moving to my cheek now. “Don’t apologize,” she says, her voice firm, but her eyes kind. “You’re done apologizing for this, Caleb. I told you, none of this is your fault.”
She lowers her head to my shoulder again and I almost smile at the no-bullshit, tough love approach she’s now taking with me. She’s always been good at calling me out on stuff or telling me things she knows I don’t want to hear, but this feels different now.
“Tell me what happened.”
It’s not a question this time and as much as I don’t want to talk about it, I know she’s not going to let up until I do.
Exhaling, I keep my eyes on the ceiling. “When I came home,” I start, my heart already racing in my chest as I go back to earlier this evening and all the things that happened. All the things I saw and all the things I did.
“When I came home, the trash was knocked over. Again.” I pause, taking another deep breath. “I was cleaning it up when I heard a noise.”
Ruby’s hand brushes against me again, but she says nothing, her head still resting on my shoulder as she waits for me to continue.
“I saw him outside your window. He…he was…fuck, Ruby, you know what he was doing.”
She doesn’t answer, just presses her lips to my neck, a silent encouragement to keep going.
“It all happened so quickly,” I say, my eyes closing as the scene plays again for me. “I knew what it meant, what he’d been doing all this time and I…I just… Fuck, I just snapped. I don’t know what came over me.”
I pause, my heart racing, my breathing ragged as though I’ve run a marathon. Ruby says nothing. She just lies against me, her head on my shoulder and her hand on my chest.
“I didn’t feel like I could stop,” I eventually say, my hand gripping my hair as waves of anxiety crash over me. “But at the same time, it’s like I wasn’t even there, like I was watching a stranger beat the shit out of him.”
I stop talking, unable to continue. My head feels like a fucking mess, my brain overwhelmed by an endless stream of images and sounds, words and emotions I can’t block out, no matter how hard I try. I have no idea how the fuck I’m going to sleep tonight, or even how the hell I’m going to lie here like this.
God, I’ve got no idea how Ruby can even stand being this close to me.
We lie in silence for a while longer, the only sounds are of our breathing in the darkness of her room. Eventually, I feel her moving against me, see as she once again props herself up on her elbow and stares down at me.
“First of all,” she whispers, her thumb brushing across my eyebrow. “I want to thank you for—”
“Thank me?” I interrupt, incredulously.
Ruby’s thumb moves to my lips, silencing me. “Yes,” she whispers, her eyes meeting mine. “Thank you for looking out for me, for protecting me from…from him.”
“Ruby,” I groan, my eyes closing.
She doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything, even though I can feel her watching me, her thumb still brushing against my mouth. Eventually I open my eyes and meet hers.
“Why don’t you believe me?” she whispers.
“About what?”
Now it’s Ruby exhaling, her hand moving to mine where it grips my hair still. She pries my fingers loose before interlocking hers and moving our joined hands to rest on my chest between us.
“About everything,” she says. “About this not being your fault, about you protecting me, about…” she pauses, trailing off before she whispers, “about me loving you.”
I push my head back into the pillow, my eyes moving to the ceiling again because it hurts just to look at her, to see the way she looks at me as she says these things, waiting for my answer. An answer I just can’t give her right now. Ruby sighs as she lowers her head to my shoulder again and I know she’s frustrated.
I move my hand down her spine, my fingers slipping under her t-shirt and resting against her lower back. Her skin is warm beneath my touch, the weight of her body against mine a comfort, despite the war that’s raging inside me. I want to tell her how much she means to me, how much I want to believe everything she’s saying to me, but I can’t get the words out.
“I don’t want to be like this,” I eventually confess, my words barely audible. “I hate who I am right now. I hate…”
Ruby moves again, this time so she’s lying beside me, the two of us sharing a pillow. I roll my head so we’re facing, and she cups my cheek, offering me a small smile.
“It won’t always be like this,” she whispers. “But until it isn’t, please let me help you.”
And before I can say anything more, she presses her lips against mine, silencing the protests she knows are coming.
The next morning, I’m lying on my back, still staring at the ceiling when I feel Ruby moving beside me. She rolls over, her arm sliding across my stomach as she pulls herself closer.
“Did you get any sleep?” she asks, her voice husky.
I scrub a hand down my face before holding it out in front of me, staring at my bruised and bloodied knuckles. “No.”
Ruby shuffles in closer, her lips against my neck. “You want to try and sleep now or you want me to get you some coffee.”
I let out a long exhale. “Stay here,” I whisper, turning to press a kiss to the top of her head. “I’ll get us coffee.”
I slide out of bed and grab a t-shirt, pulling it on before heading out to the kitchen. When I round the corner, I’m surprised to find Reid standing at the counter, waiting for the coffee to finish.
“Hey,” I say, walking into the room.
He glances back at me. “Hey, how you feeling?” He turns and leans back against the counter, arms crossed over his bare chest, his tattoos on full display. I take in all the ink he has on his arms and torso, my sister’s name, which is tattooed across his chest, almost like a brand or a neon sign advertising to the world how much she means to him.
“Shit,” I say, walking over to grab two cups.
He nods once. “Hardly surprising. Am guessing you didn’t sleep?”
I shake my head but say nothing.
“Yeah us either,” he adds.
I turn to him. “Seriously?”
He shrugs. “Seriously,” he repeats. “This affects you, so this affects us, Caleb.”
I exhale, mirroring his pose beside him. “Reid, you guys, you…shit, you don’t need to be caught up in this bullshit. This is my problem, not yours.”