“I’m sorry,” I say, shaking my head to try to get a little clarity.
“I’ll stop if you want me to?” He looks at me, his eyes soft.
I don’t swoon easily, but I am right now.
“You may continue.”
He laughs and brings his lips down on mine again.
I step closer, closing any distance between us. I snuggle into him as he kisses us both breathless.
“We should get back,” he says, minutes, hours later, I don’t know.
He’s taken my mind off last night and that’s all that matters right now.
“Right. We have a job to do here and all that.”
His mouth curls. “We should go and do that.”
Neither of us moves. “Olly,” I say. “I need to tell you something.”
“Go on.”
“The other day when we were talking about where we’d like to live after college…”
If we’re going to start something, and it feels like we are, I want to be as honest as I can.
“Yeah?” he prompts.
“Well, you said you want to live anywhere but here, and for a second I thought you meant you lived here. In Texas. In this town.”
“I’m not sure I’m following.”
“We said that the person who could be watching…um…”
Lowering his arms, he breaks all contact and steps back. “Me?” He turns and runs his hands through his hair. “Wow. You thought I was messing with camp?”
“No. Well, I’m sorry, but just think about how it sounded.”
“I don’t care how it sounded! Why didn’t you just ask? I would have told you I just don’t want to end up in a dead-end town like this. Jesus, Esme.”
“I’m sorry.”
Disappointment fills his eyes. “You actually thought I could threaten you all? That I would put children in danger?”
“No!” I say, but it doesn’t mean anything because that is totally what I thought.
We haven’t known each other long, but I really don’t think Olly would be part of something as terrifying as this. Lillian wants to turn us against each other.
And I did exactly that.
“Please, can we just talk about this?” I plead. “I’ve been paranoid and scared. I like you and it was dumb. Like really dumb, but I haven’t exactly been thinking straight.”
He takes a step toward the door.
“Olly, don’t leave, please?”
“I wouldn’t hurt anyone.”
“I believe you.”
He clicks his tongue against his teeth. “The first girl I’ve liked since my ex thinks I’m a deranged stalker.”
I dip my head, wincing. I’ve made a huge mess of this.
“Olly,” I whisper.
“Why didn’t you just ask?” He sounds defeated, like this is all over and he’s telling me it’s my fault. I could have avoided this by talking to him. He huffs, his eyes flashing to mine. “That’s why you were going through my stuff.”
Crap.
“I was looking for your driver’s license,” I say. “I wanted so badly to prove my dumb theory wrong. The last couple of weeks with you have been awesome, and I was terrified that you might be the one doing this and that you hated me.”
He tilts his head. “Why would that make me hate you?”
Oh God.
“No, I mean all of us. Whoever is out there clearly doesn’t have warm and fuzzy feelings for any of us.”
His sneakers thud on the floor as he walks closer to me.
“Why are you lying to me?” he growls.
I gulp. “I’m not lying.”
“Then tell me what you meant by that. Why would this person hate you?”
I press my lips together.
“You acted weird when we were in the forest,” he presses. “Sometimes you’re off in your own world, and I can see the panic you’re holding in. Last night you bailed on us and today you’ve been jumpy as hell.”
“You’re wrong,” I tell him. But my words hold no weight because my voice cracks and betrays me.
“I’m not wrong. What’s going on? You know more than you’re telling me. Is someone threatening you?”
“Olly, no.”
He shakes his head. “We’re not leaving this damn closet until you tell me the truth.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t tell. I’ve never told anyone, ever.
“I can’t,” I whisper.
I keep my eyes closed, but I feel him getting closer. His breath cascades over my head and then I’m in his strong, warm arms.
“You’re scaring me,” he says into my hair. “If someone is harassing you, I can help. I won’t let anyone hurt you, Esme. I promise.”
After a mere two weeks, if something happened to me, he would get over it fast. We’re not even together. I barely know the guy.
“Hey,” Olly presses. “Please tell me.”
His body is rigid.
I sink into him and feel my tears seeping into his T-shirt.
“You’ll hate me,” I mutter against his collarbone.
“Tell me.” He pulls back. “It’s bad?”
I nod. “I didn’t mean it, though.”
“What didn’t you mean?”
“I lied about when I was last here as a camper,” I whisper. “It was the year of the fire…and I was there that night.”
36
The weight of the secret is heavy, but rather than feeling lighter now that I’ve told Olly, I want to crawl under a rock.
Realization hits and his jaw drops. “You were responsible for the fire?”
“It wasn’t entirely my fault. I mean, it was, but it was an accident.”
“What happened?”
“I—I was eight. The older kids had been sneaking out and bragging about it. I thought it would be cool if I did the same. It was so stupid.”
Olly takes my hands in his and a glimmer of hope settles in my chest. Maybe he won’t hate me. “What happened?” he asks.