First, Derrick popped into my mind, reliving our relationship and how distant we truly had been. The relationship had been so toxic and blinding, or perhaps it was my thoughts of what I wanted our relationship to be and that was what had blinded me, turning everything toxic. I'd been so caught up in the security he offered, I saw nothing else. I wanted to believe that I had been the right one for him, but now, as I stood looking at myself, I wondered if I was ever going to be right for anyone.
I could feel a deep lump forming in my throat, making it hard for me to breathe as I fought back the tears that were threatening to fall. I re-filled the glass with water and sipped it slowly until that lump disappeared.
Then I looked at myself, at the way I had dealt with Derrick telling me he had cheated. Had it hurt? Yes. Had it been my fault? No. He had done these things under his own volition, no one else’s. I thought back to all the times he had yelled or disapproved of something I had done, when in fact he should have supported me. I thought back to all the times he had left me at home or hadn’t come home, and I wondered if those had been the nights he’d been with other woman, but deep down I knew the answer. Maddox was right, he didn’t deserve my tears; he didn’t deserve another thought.
I walked back into the bedroom and glanced at the bed where Maddox slept, his back toward me. Then I glanced over to the couch, wondering if I shouldn't just take the blanket and curl up over there instead of sleeping beside him, but then I looked back to the bed and thought back to the warmth he offered. I let out a breath and, without giving it another thought, climbed back into bed and curled up under the covers. I’d just gotten comfortable when Maddox rolled over to face me. I took this moment to watch him as he slept, to study the softness in his face.
As I watched him, his story came to the front of my mind. I remembered his face as he told me about Jenn, and I felt my heart break as I tried to even comprehend the pain he must have felt at such a young age. Most people, after experiencing something like that, would have changed and become cold and afraid to love. Yet none of that seemed true about Maddox.
He was different, and even though we weren't in a relationship, I could totally see myself getting hooked on him. Even though I hadn't suffered the same loss he had, there was a part of me that was petrified of letting him in. I wondered if he too felt this way, afraid to let someone in again. I was afraid of having a repeat of what had just happened. What if I got involved with Maddox only to find out that I wasn't enough for him either? That he wanted more than I could give. The fear of that happening was completely ingrained in me. Then his words ran through my head about how a real man would have stood before me and told me the truth before he bedded another. Those words did offer me some kind of comfort, giving me a glimpse into the type of man he really was.
I rolled over and faced the room. I had to break this thought cycle if I were going to get any more sleep. I closed my eyes and did my best to relax. I steadied my breathing and was just about asleep when I felt Maddox wrap an arm around my waist and pull me against him. He placed a gentle kiss on the crook of my neck, and soon he was breathing lightly against me.
As I lay there wrapped in his arms, I knew there was no way I should compare either of these men to one another because each of them were so different that I already knew there was absolutely no comparison.
Then, without warning, a thought ran through my head that shocked me. What if Derrick had been the wrong choice for me from the beginning? That the only way I ever would have met this man lying beside me was for me to go through all of this. Perhaps this experience had taught me I needed a man, one who wasn't afraid to show his love, one who supported me no matter what, not one who only did so at his convenience. I needed to be made to feel special. I needed someone to lean on when things went wrong, and I needed someone who loved me for who I was, not for who they wanted me to be, and in return I would give all those things back. It was then, in the moments of the wee hours of the morning, as I lay in his arms, that the realization came to me, that it was time to take what I deserved and to be okay with it.
I closed my eyes as a sense of peace came over me as those thoughts had run through my head. I felt the slight puff of breath against my skin, and then Maddox kissed me once again, pulling me tighter into him. A surge of excitement ran through my body. I closed my eyes tight and allowed that feeling to flow right through me. I realized in that moment it was too late to stop how I was feeling. Who was I trying to kid? I was already hooked on him, and I just prayed that he, too, was hooked on me, and I’d never have to worry about him breaking my heart.
It was a little after nine when we finally arrived at the door to our private chalet. We were both exhausted from the long day of travel, and we waited patiently as the bellhop brought our luggage from the small golf cart-like vehicle up to the door.
"We hope you enjoy your stay with us," he said, inserting the key and turning the lock. He pushed the door open and turned on the lights. We stepped into a sunken living room with an enormous stone fireplace, a fire already lit. We had a perfect view of the ski hills, lined with white lights as little black bodies scurried down the hills. I watched as Maddox walked over to the window and glanced out, then turned and looked at me, smiling.
"Amazing view," he said, looking back out the window.
"Yes, one of our very best," the bellhop said as he placed our bags on the floor just inside the door. "There is a small kitchen to your left, bathroom with large jacuzzi tub right over there," he said, pointing to a door, "and in here is your bedroom, complete with fireplace and California-king bed."
I couldn't help but take a peek into the bedroom. I could see the ski hills from there as well, and the fireplace in the bedroom was lit as well, casting a soft glow over the room. "It's beautiful," I said, smiling, coming back into the sunken living room and running my hand along the back of the couch.
"Sir, I see you have ski time booked tomorrow morning at nine. It’s quite a distance. Will you be needing a shuttle down?"
Maddox turned and looked at me and I nodded. "Yes, he will." There was no way I was letting him out of skiing. He had been so good to me over this trip. "Is it possible for you to arrange that for him?" I questioned, waiting for the bellhop to answer.
"Yes, absolutely, miss."
Maddox cleared his throat. "Actually, is it possible for you to move my ski time to say eleven?" he asked, looking over at me.
"Certainly, sir. I will be here to pick you up a half hour before. What time shall I send breakfast?"
Maddox looked to me and I to him, then he shrugged. "Nine-thirty?"
I nodded, staring back at him, as if we were the only two in the room.
"That sounds fine, sir. I'll just leave the keys to your room here," he said, setting them down on the table that sat inside the door. "Have a good night."
We both stood staring at one another, neither of us saying anything, as the bellhop walked to the door and let himself out.
The second the door was closed, Maddox walked over to me and took both of my hands in his. "You know, I don't need to ski tomorrow. It is New Year’s Eve, after all. We can always do something else."
"Oh, but you do. I have a spa day planned, a mud bath followed by a massage with essential oils, and then we will party the night away." I smiled, meeting his eyes. "Now I should go unpack our things."