This time she said it louder. “He didn’t want me.”
“Who?”
“Dalton.”
“Who’s Dalton?”
“Your real father. He didn’t want me.”
“You knew him?” Anger exploded in me. “You knew who he was this whole time?”
Tears rolled down her cheeks. “I lied about everything, RJ. Your father wasn’t some random traveling musician. I did know him. Since elementary school. I had such a crush on him from the time I was little. But he was beautiful and popular and everyone loved him. Like you. And I was scrawny and poor and wore dirty clothes to school. I thought he would save me. My prince. For years I tried to get him to notice me. And finally, one time he did. He took my virginity in my friend’s parents’ bed at a party when we were sixteen. He never talked to me again.
“Fast forward ten years. I saw a flyer with his picture on it and knew he'd be at the bar performing that night. When I went up to talk to him after the show, he had no idea who I was. But one thing led to another, and… well, you know that part of the story. I told him I was protected, but I wasn’t. Anyway, I contacted him after becoming pregnant. In my warped mind, I thought he’d be happy. That he’d finally want me. I had my bags packed and everything. I was all set to leave Renato and the boys and ride off into the sunset. You. Me. Dalton. One little happy family.”
“But he didn’t want you…” I finished the unhappy tale for her. “Or me.”
“No. He didn’t. Dalton accused me of trying to trap him. And he was right. I thought he’d finally see me, you know? But he didn’t. He sent some money and demanded I get an abortion. And I was going to do it, too, but Renato figured out I was pregnant, and he was so excited. I thought maybe it would all work out. I could pass you off as his and have a lasting reminder of Dalton to love and cherish forever.”
“Sounds awesome, Mom, but something went tragically wrong because I don’t ever recall any love or cherishing going on.”
“Because Renato never accepted you. And because he didn’t, your brothers didn’t. I could either stand by your side outside of the circle… or reject you and be loved.”
Her words. Did she not realize how much they stung? What she’d done was the equivalent of dumping a box of unwanted kittens on the side of the road. She’d forced me to fend for myself, and for what?
“We could’ve made our own circle, you and me.”
“Yes.” She choked up. “I know.”
My mother reached out to me, sliding her fingers over my face. I jerked away. “Don’t.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, RJ. I was selfish and bitter. I hated your father for what he’d done to me. And you… you looked and acted so much like him. Strong. Beautiful. Talented. You’ve always stood out in a crowd. Everything that attracted me to Dalton in the first place—that was you. But, like him, you also have that same arrogance. That air of being better than everyone else. Dalton made me feel small and insignificant. Just like you’ve always done.”
There it was again. The accusation that I thought I was better than them. If that was true, it was only because they’d forced me to compete, Hunger Games style, for their attention. I had to be the best—for my survival.
“I make you feel small?” I gaped. “Are you hearing yourself? I was a kid! I would’ve done anything to be accepted by you and the others… to be part of your tribe. Anything. You pushed me away, not the other way around. And not only that, you turned Luis and Manny against me. Ruined any chance of us ever being real brothers.”
“Your brothers don’t hate you. They’re intimidated by you. Even Renato. I think he always knew you were destined for greatness. It’s just… people like you, RJ, people like your father… you can never understand what it’s like to always need polishing.”
I shook my head, pissed. She was putting this whole thing on me. A quick glance at our lawyer audience told me they thought the same thing. Both of them stood glaring at my mother.
“I know it sounds like I’m blaming you,” Mom said, breaking the silence. “But I’m not. I know this is all on me. I did this. I’m just trying to get you to see.”
“See what?” I exploded. “All I see is that you condemned me for the sins of my father. You know how you could have mitigated that—made sure I didn’t turn out like him? You could’ve raised me with humility and love. You could’ve taught me values and respect. You could’ve been my mother.”
“I know. I know.” Again, she reached for me. Again, I shunned her. “I’m so sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you. I truly am. When you were feared dead, I was devastated. I guess I always thought I’d have time to make it up to you. And then when they pulled you out alive, I realized I’d been given a second chance. But I knew you wouldn’t allow me to nurse you back to health, so I used the medical directive to try and make it up to you.”
“Make it up to me? You took the hospital to its knees. You blocked my friends from coming to see me. And you insulted Beyoncé. How could you ever think any of this would go your way?”
Her shoulders slumped. “I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t think. Look. I’ll leave. Give you the space you obviously need. But please don’t cut me out of your life. Please, RJ. I’ll do anything.”
“Why? Why do you care now?”
“Losing you…”
“No. Why? Tell me the truth. If I lived in your town and was a gas station attendant or a grocery clerk, would you be begging for my forgiveness? Be honest, Mom. If I wasn’t famous, would you even be here right now?”
Our eyes met, and in that moment, we both knew she wouldn’t. There was nothing left to salvage between us. Maybe someday I’d have a family, but it wouldn’t be this one.
“Just go.”
“RJ…”
“I’ll pay off the house and give you a one-time severance payment. But I’m not supporting you anymore. It’s time the four of you got jobs.”
She dropped her head, resigned.
“And I swear to god, if you’ve screwed anything up with Dani...”
“I haven’t. That woman is like a boomerang. You fling her away and she just comes right on back. There’s no getting rid of her.”
The moment was so tense, but I nearly burst out laughing. Boomerang. Yep, that was Dani.
“I’ll let myself out,” she said, already walking toward the door.
“Before you go…”
She didn’t let me finish. “His name is Dalton Krause.”
“Does he know who I am?”
Her step faltered. “Yes. I sent an email to his business after you hit it big in AnyDayNow.”
“And?”
“And what, RJ?” she asked, pivoting to face me.
“What does he think?”
“You tell me. Have you heard from him?”
“No.”
“Then that’s your answer.” She sighed. “He doesn’t care, RJ. He never has.”
Fresh pain swept through me, knowing I was zero for two in the parenthood trap. I offered up a curt nod. “You can go now.”