“You’re going to what?” Evan asked, and he’d gone straight from confused to furious in the blink of an eye. “We talked about this yesterday, after I was shot, and you promised you’d stop investigating them. And now you’re going on one of their cruises?”
I’d forgotten about the promise I’d made him yesterday, and I felt bad about going back on my word, so I wanted to explain. “Evan, I completely forgot that I agreed to that. Like I said, I haven’t gotten any sleep, and I’ve had a good bit of wine, which I drank to try and help me sleep, but that didn’t work. So then I was exhausted and drunk, and I forgot everything, and I bought a ticket. I’m pretty sure I’m still drunk.”
“Great,” Evan said, but I could tell from his tone that things were, indeed, not great. “So now that you remember, you can return the ticket.”
“It’s non-refundable,” I whisper, and I’m immensely grateful that he isn’t in the room with me for this disastrous conversation.
I heard Evan sigh. “Did you just say non-refundable?” When I didn’t answer, he continued. “Is that really your priority right now? Getting your money back? Is that money worth more to you than your life? Because that’s pretty much what you’re telling me right now.”
“Well, I do have plenty of vacation time saved up at work,” I said, “and now that I have the ticket, I might as well go.”
“Kassidy!” he yelled, and I cringed at the fury in his tone. “You’re not thinking clearly about this. If you get on that ship, even if you don’t try and poke around like Nancy Drew, they still know your name. They know who you are. They might’ve already figured out what you’re up to, and as soon as the ship leaves the harbor, they could throw you off the top deck. Then you’ll be nothing but shark bait. Is that really what you want?”
Once again, I didn’t have an answer for him. Or maybe I did, but I couldn’t make it leave my mouth.
“You are the most infuriating person I’ve ever met,” Evan said. “You know, I thought yesterday was a turning point for you. For us. But you had me fooled. You’re reckless, Kassidy. And you’re not just reckless, you don’t care that you’re reckless. You don’t care what happens to you. And I’m not going to sit by and watch you kill yourself. I won’t do it.”
A sob escaped before I could stop it, tears gushing down my face. I was embarrassed that I was crying while on the phone with Evan, but I was horrified at how he saw me, what he thought of me. Was I reckless? Probably. But it was for a good reason, one that was my burden to bear, and one I was afraid to tell him about. If he knew my history, he’d hate me. I couldn’t live with that.
“Kassidy, please don’t cry,” he said, and his voice was softer, pleading. “I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday—how you don’t care about yourself, and you’re going to get yourself killed. I think you might be depressed. And while my offer still stands, that I’ll be there whenever you want to talk, I really think you need to see to someone professionally.”
“What?” I said, unable to believe what I was hearing. Evan must truly have a low opinion of me, to suggest I go to therapy.
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Kassidy,” Evan said. “Once I turned 18 and joined the Army, I saw a therapist for years. I needed to deal with all the abuse I dealt with as a kid, and all the things I saw in the Army. It was really helpful for me, and I think it would be helpful for you, too.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I kept silent. Finns are experts at awkward silences—awkward for everyone else, at least.
“Will you at least think about it? I’m worried about you. And, you know, Nolan’s girlfriend, Harper, is an amazing therapist, and I’m sure that she could suggest someone for you.”
He acted like everything he said came from a place of caring, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. I was mortified, and angry, and ashamed, and the emotions became too much, swirling around me, overwhelming me to the point of suffocation. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t do anything except hang up the phone.
12
EVAN
It had been three days since William killed himself, two days since I told Kassidy that she needed to see a therapist, and one day since I realized what an idiot I was. It was also Monday, and I’d had a lot of time to think over the last few days. I’d had time to come to some realizations, and to make some decisions.
My first realization was that I shouldn’t have gotten so upset at Kassidy for buying a cruise ticket, and putting herself in danger, again. But if anything, it reaffirmed to me how important she is to me. And on top of that, I also knew that she was gorgeous, smart, and a good person, and when I was near her, I didn’t want to take my hands off of her. I just didn’t know what to do with those feelings. Could I see myself in a relationship with her? Absolutely. But not when she was ready to run off half-cocked at any moment, trying to get herself killed. I knew better than that.
And while I did feel like talking to a therapist would be beneficial for her, I shouldn’t have had that conversation with her when I was angry. It was the wrong thing to do, and I needed to make it up to her. I had an idea of how I could do that.
“Hey, Nolan,” I greeted him as I walked into the office that Monday morning. I was on desk duty for the time being because of my ribs, two of which had been badly bruised but not broken, and I was glad that I was allowed to work at all. “I need to talk to you. Privately.”
He raised an eyebrow at me, and I’m sure he was suspicious of my unusual request, but he held his questions until we were sitting in the conference room, just the two of us.
“What’s going on?”
“I need help,” I said simply, taking a breath before I continued, trying to steady myself. “Kassidy has decided to put herself in danger. Again. She booked a ticket to go on a cruise. On a Paradise Cruises ship.” Nolan raised both his eyebrows at that, but remained silent. “She won’t change her mind, and I said some things I shouldn’t have, which I regret. But what it comes down to, is that I have feelings for her. I care about her. And I need to make sure she’s safe. So, I need to be on that ship with her. I don’t know when she’s going, and I don’t know how long she’ll be gone, but I need to be with her. So whatever I need to do to make that happen, I’m willing to do it. I’ll take time off, or go on an extended leave. I’ll quit if you force me to. But this is just something I have to do. I feel it in my gut.”
Nolan studied me for a moment, and I was just starting to stress when a huge smile crossed his face.
“I’m proud of you, Evan,” he said genuinely. “You gave me a lot of grief when I refused to admit my feelings for Harper. And I’m eternally grateful that you set me straight. But I see you’re smarter than me in that department, and you’re actually admitting how you feel, and doing something about it, without someone else pointing it out to you. I’m impressed.”
I was relieved and amused at what he said. And he was damn right I was smarter than him, but in more than just matters of the heart. “So you’ll let me take time off?” I asked.