‘I’m not drinking,’ I say, suddenly wary. Jesus, maybe he has a flask tucked under the pillow.
‘No, not that kind of game either.’
‘What then?’ For a second, I think he’s going to say spin the bottle and my heart races, even though of course he won’t and we’re lying in bed and we don’t have a bottle and it’s not a two-person game and there’s absolutely no reason he would say it but—
‘Truth. We ask each other questions, and you have to answer each one truthfully, but you get three passes.’
‘That sounds like a very intense game.’
‘It’s easier when you’re drunk,’ he says.
I wonder who he has played it with drunk and who he has played it with sober.
‘You start,’ I say. I need time to formulate some questions. I have no idea how deep we’re going.
‘Okay. Do you have feelings for Zach?’ he says, without hesitation.
Shit, okay, so it’s going to be like that. ‘No, I don’t have feelings for Zach,’ I reply. ‘And that’s actually an insulting question. Zach and Lucy are my best friends. Do you think I’m plotting to break them up or something?’ I’m suddenly so annoyed that I’ve forgotten I even have a crush on Alex, and I turn towards him in the dark, ready to continue whisper-yelling. I hate that he, or anyone, might think that of me. Even if I was in love with Zach, absolutely head over heels crazy-in-love, I would never do that to Lucy. Never. I don’t know all my limits, but I know that one. Lucy comes first for me.
Alex turns to me, clearly startled by my response. ‘I phrased that wrong. I meant, before. Before they got together. Like, have you ever had feelings for Zach?’ he says.
‘Where has this question even come from?’ I say, buying time, because I don’t know whether to be truthful or not, and also I’m not sure what the truthful answer really is.
‘Mum used to tease Zach and say he was going to marry one of you. I guess she put the idea in my mind,’ Alex says.
‘Really?’ Oh god, I hope Mariella doesn’t think I’m in love with Zach and sadly trailing him and Lucy around like some kind of stalker/sad puppy.
‘I’m sorry. I should have picked an easier question to start with. Don’t forget you can pass,’ Alex says. I have the urge to push him out of the bed.
‘No, it is an easy question. I don’t, and I have never had feelings for Zach.’ The truth is a slightly more complicated version of that statement. But this is not the time to be revealing my true self to Alex, even if whispering in the dark makes me want to start telling secrets.
‘Great. Your turn,’ he says.
‘Are you still in love with Vanessa?’ I say. I don’t really want to know the answer to this, but I need to ask him something equal to what he asked me.
‘Nope.’
‘You didn’t even pause to think.’
‘Didn’t need to.’
‘You don’t have any feelings about your ex you still need to process?’
‘That wasn’t the question.’
‘Okay. Your turn.’
Now he hesitates. My stomach clenches a little.
‘Have you ever been in love?’
He’s good at this, I’ll give him that. My automatic response is Fuck, fuck, fuck, I can’t answer that.
‘That’s a big question,’ I say, stalling for time.
‘We don’t have to keep playing.’
‘I’m having fun,’ I lie, because even though it’s killing me, it would be much worse to stop playing this game and spend days and weeks (and, depending on how my future social life goes, potentially months and years) wondering what would have happened if I’d kept playing.
‘No, you’re not,’ he says.
‘Yes, I am. And no, I haven’t ever been in love. My turn. When are you going to tell your family that you got fired?’ I throw back something as fast as I can, so he won’t have time to dwell on my answer.
‘Tomorrow.’ He pauses and then laughs. ‘Maybe tomorrow. By the end of the week.’
‘Your Mum will understand,’ I say.
‘It’s more complicated than that.’
‘Tell me.’
‘I will if you ask the right question.’
‘It’s your turn.’
‘Hmmm. Okay. Did you want to kiss Owen in the spin the bottle game at the party?’
‘No. How many people have you slept with?’
He makes a small choked noise that makes me laugh. I knew that one would throw him.
‘Pass,’ he says finally.
‘Is that a point for me?’
‘You don’t really score this game.’
‘Well, new rule. We’re scoring, and I’m winning.’
‘If I’d known that, I would have answered,’ he says, shifting a little closer to me.
‘No, you wouldn’t have.’
‘I might have.’
‘Your turn.’
‘I’ve got to think of a tough one, now it’s about winning points.’
‘I have nothing to hide.’
‘Sure you do.’
I pretend to scratch my arm but really use it as an excuse to shuffle a little nearer to him. We’re now lying close enough that if I moved my foot a tiny bit, it might brush against his.
‘Okay. That night at the party, when we got each other in spin the bottle, did you want to kiss me?’ he asks.
There’s a long pause, and I’m so glad that it’s dark because my face is so hot it might be on fire, and that’s only half due to the sunburn. ‘Pass,’ I say.
‘I knew you had something to hide.’
‘Well, now it’s my turn,’ I say quickly. ‘And I’m asking the same question back at you.’ I can’t actually bring myself to say the words Did you want to kiss me?
‘Yes.’
‘What?’
‘Yes, I wanted to kiss you.’
My heart, my heart.
‘Oh.’ I have no idea what else to say. My mind is completely blank. I can’t even think of another question for the game.
‘I mean, I did kiss you. On the cheek,’ he says.
‘I know.’
‘So my answer should have been obvious.’
‘A kiss on the cheek is a different thing.’
I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. I especially can’t believe we’re having this conversation without me having a heart attack.
‘If you wanted to kiss me that night, why didn’t you?’ I ask, ignoring that it’s actually his turn. We’ve been talking quietly, but I’m whispering now. These are scary words.
‘Pass,’ he says finally.
I don’t know what to do with that.
‘Do you want to kiss me now?’ he asks, so quiet I can hardly hear him.
‘Pass,’ I say, because even in this moment, even with every opportunity in the world, I’m still too scared to say it.
That’s two passes each. The next person to pass loses but, for once, I don’t care about winning. I can’t bring myself to ask him the same question in return. My hands are trembling. But I don’t want to change the topic. Please, dear god, never let us move on from this very important topic of kissing and wanting to kiss.