‘For a run.’
‘That’s not like you, sweetheart,’ Mariella says.
Alex frowns. ‘What does that mean?’
‘You don’t run,’ Mariella says, lifting a jar of Nutella out of Anthony’s reach, so he can’t spread a third layer on his already-Nutella-covered toast.
‘I run all the time,’ Alex says.
‘When?’ Glenn scoffs.
‘At the gym. On the treadmill.’
‘Yes, but you’re not a runner. You’re not someone who gets up early specifically to go for a run outside, in the morning, before breakfast,’ Anthony says.
‘You should all be out there running, making the most of this glorious day,’ Sal says, in his most dad-like voice.
‘Dad, when’s the last time you did any serious cardio?’ Zach says.
‘Your mother and I are going for a bike ride this afternoon.’
‘We are?’ Mariella asks, looking up in surprise.
‘Dad, you haven’t been on a bike in over ten years,’ Zach says.
I stop listening, because I’m a little bit mesmerised by a sweating Alex. Sweat is ostensibly gross, but somehow it’s not gross on Alex. His thick hair is pushed back, and when he rubs a towel over his face, little droplets reappear almost immediately. It should be disgusting, but it’s not. It’s appealing.
Maybe this is what falling in love is: you’re not grossed out by someone else’s sweat.
‘Do you guys want to come to the beach with me today?’ Alex says, looking at Zach and Lucy but flicking his eyes quickly in my direction and then away again.
‘With you?’ Zach looks confused.
‘Yeah. I’m meeting some friends at the back beach. I thought you three might want to come too.’
‘I’ll come,’ Anthony says, but no one responds to him.
There’s a pause. Alex doesn’t invite Zach places. Zach doesn’t invite Alex places. Their brotherly relationship is complex, and part of that complexity is maintaining very different social circles and activities at all times.
‘That’s very nice of you, darling,’ Mariella says.
‘Sure, we’ll come,’ Zach says, glancing at Lucy and then at me. I try to make a very, very subtle ‘I don’t want to’ face at Zach, but I think Zach reads it as an ‘I’m hungry’ face because he pushes the last scone on the table towards me.
‘What time?’ he asks Alex.
‘About two.’
‘Cool.’
Alex goes off to shower, and then leaves before lunchtime, saying he’ll meet us there.
By the time the afternoon rolls around, I’ve decided I really, truly, absolutely don’t want to go to the beach and hang out with Alex and his friends. I cannot go. But I dutifully change into my bathers anyway, because Zach and Lucy ignore my protests.
I am wearing a one-piece swimsuit that I am quite proud of myself for finding. It, amazingly, has a full back, and tiny little cap sleeves. I never thought such a thing existed until I saw it online. It zips up the front, and it’s sleek, and it doesn’t look too weird—in fact, it’s designed as a fashion choice, a kind of slinky catsuit type of bathers. So the scars on my back are hidden. The only parts of me that are very visible in a stressful way are my thighs. But if I unzip the top enough to show a bit of cleavage, I figure I can draw people’s eyes up to my boobs.
I put on a loose dress over the bathers, and Lucy gives me her big floppy straw hat—a hat that looks adorable on the shelf, and adorable on Lucy, and adorable in Lucy’s hands as she reaches up to put it on my head—but the moment it actually touches my head, it ceases being adorable and becomes ridiculous, as all hats do when they’re on my head.
But with the hat and my sunglasses, I feel somewhat safe and hidden.
It takes about ten minutes to walk to the back beach. I trail behind Zach and Lucy, half-listening to them chat but mostly fretting about seeing Alex with his friends.
‘What happened between you two last night that Alex is suddenly inviting us to the beach?’ Zach says, turning around and walking backwards, looking at me.
‘Nothing,’ I say, a little too quickly and forcefully. At some point, I’m not exactly sure when, I decided that I wouldn’t tell them about Alex. Not yet. Lucy would be too excited, too overeager to analyse every detail, and turn it into something bigger than it is. She would get my hopes up. She’d convince me of things that might not actually be true. She’d make me believe in love, and I need to be tougher and more sensible than that. I need to protect myself.
Zach, on the other hand…I’m not telling Zach mostly because I’m scared of how he will react. I don’t have siblings, but I know kissing the brother of one of your best friends is a big deal. And Alex and Zach already have a messy relationship. I don’t want to squeeze myself into the middle of that.
So now it’s a real secret.
We see Alex and his friends up ahead of us. They are playing Frisbee in the water, shouting and laughing and diving to catch it. I see Alex, and Owen, and a couple of other familiar faces from the party, a few entirely new faces, and… Vanessa.
Vanessa is here.
I stop walking, and Lucy turns back.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’
‘You look pale,’ she says, peering under the brim of my giant hat.
‘Her face is sunburnt. How can she look pale?’ Zach says.
‘Are you okay?’ Lucy asks me, ignoring Zach.
‘Yes, I’m fine,’ I say, but my mouth is suddenly very dry. What the hell was I even thinking coming to the beach and kissing Alex and acting like I had any business being a part of any of this?
‘Let’s just sit here,’ I say, not wanting to get any closer.
We lay out our towels. It’s very hot, but I’m not going to go into the water or call any attention to myself. I get out my book and start reading.
At some point, Alex sees us. Zach waves at him, and he waves back, motioning for us to come closer, to come into the water, but he doesn’t walk over to us, and my stomach twists.
I’ve been reading the same page of my book for fifteen minutes, because I’m not really reading as much as holding it as a prop while I watch Alex and his friends.
Alex seems happy. He runs around, diving into the sea for the Frisbee, tackling and wrestling with his friends. At one point, he and Vanessa both run after the Frisbee, and she bumps into him, pushing him out of her way, and he laughs. She’s wearing a simple navy-blue bikini, and her dark hair is up in a messy top knot, and she runs and leaps and swims and dives with the confidence and joyful abandon of someone completely at ease in her body.
‘Let’s go for a swim,’ Zach says.
‘I’ll stay here,’ I say.
‘No, you won’t,’ Lucy says, pulling me to my feet. The three of us walk down the beach a little, getting closer to Alex and his friends. I’m still wearing my dress and hat and sunglasses. Lucy is in her red-and-white striped bikini, as bright and cheerful as a lolly, with red sunglasses and bouncing blonde curls. She looks like she should be playing beach volleyball in an ice-cream ad.
Alex and his friends are all in the water, and Lucy and Zach walk into the waves and wade out towards them.