“We’re working on testing a new fabric one of our teammates came up with a few days ago,” Rowan says. Their tightly curled black hair bobs with every step they take. Rowan tilts their head in greeting to a pair of researchers we pass, but the two are so engrossed in some kind of disassembled dashboard they don’t notice. “I can’t say anything for sure, but we have high hopes. With the new composition we’re working on, the fabric should be lighter and stronger than that of even military-issued suits. Pretty neat, huh? Oh, and of course we’ve been working on strengthening the areas surrounding vital spots especially—that’s been our main focus, and we’ve been making a ton of progress. In fact—”
Rowan enthusiastically continues on about some new discovery in the science community to do with reinforced fabrics or something. A sharp contrast to me and Peter, both of us only having enough energy to keep walking and ask the necessary check-in questions. When was the last time I was that excited about anything?
Then again, Rowan is and has always been full of energy. I don’t know what we’d do without them. The Outside suits especially have been a big concern among our ungifted members; it only takes a tear as wide as a hair to kill them within minutes. Anything we can do to further protect our friends is a great help, and we have Rowan to thank for most of our gear’s advancement. But at this exact moment, I wish they would calm down just a little. Watching them exhausts me even more.
“It sounds like you guys are making good headway,” Peter cuts in during Rowan’s monologue about some big-name Etiole inventor in Sector Three and her recent publication on … something.
“This is fantastic, Rowan,” I agree, leaping on the chance to make an exit. “You and your team are doing great.”
Rowan beams. “Thank you, Lai. It’s only because you supported my motion to make this team that we’ve been able to get this far.”
“I’m just grateful for how much you’ve all helped us.” I check the notes on my clipboard. How is there always such an endless list of things to do? I barely manage to hold back a groan. Or maybe it’s a yawn. “We have to go meet with a few other people, but thank you for showing us around today, Rowan.”
Their smile widens. “No problem, Lai. You guys just let me know if you need anything else.”
“Will do.”
We part with a wave, and then Peter and I delve back into our notes as we walk past the tables of equipment on our way out.
Peter flips through his papers with the tired motion of someone who’s sick of always looking for something. “Our next core meeting is tonight. What’s up for discussion?”
“Concerns from Sakchai that she’s falling under suspicion from the Council as a backer of the Order. She wants to lie low for a while, so we need to plan around that.” Sakchai is probably our most important supporter—the head of a transport company that trades goods between sectors, she’s one of the few people in the sector who has her own pair of Gates leading Outside for business use. Without her, we wouldn’t even be able to consider participating in this war. “We need to figure out a way to get more medicine, too.”
“Got it. Then for now, I’m going to go check in with the recruit team about our next screening for potential new members. They’ve been flooding in lately.”
Peter’s voice drags over the words. We’ve stopped at the entranceway of the lab, which is the obvious point of parting, but even though we both still have too much to get done today, I say, “Peter. We need to talk.”
He waits but won’t look at me.
He’s thinner than I’ve ever seen him. His cheekiness and general easygoing air from when Paul was around haven’t resurfaced once in the last three months. All of us have said multiple times that he can step down from his duties as a captain, take some time, but every time, he’d shake his head and say he needed something to focus on. We’ve all tried everything we can think of to comfort him or cheer him up, but nothing’s worked.
I don’t know what to say to console him. That’s never been something I’m good at. Paul’s death still drags at my heart every time I think of him or look at his brother, though I’m sure that’s nothing compared to what Peter himself must be going through. But I have to at least try to say something.
“I’m worried about you,” I say softly. “I’m sure if Paul were here, he would be, too. He wouldn’t want you to be so consumed by grief that you put yourself in danger when you go out into battle.”
Peter doesn’t say anything for a long time. Then, “Lai, why did you assign me to last night’s raid team? You’re the one who made that decision, aren’t you?”
I hesitate, but there’s no reason not to say the truth. “I was hoping it’d remind you of what’s happening and why we’re here. What we’ve all spent years working on.”
“So you think if you give me a goal and tell me to go for it, I’ll forget about Paul?”
“That’s not—”
“We’re not all you, Lai,” Peter says very, very quietly. “I can’t just shut up my emotions for the greater good like you do.” He still won’t look me in the eye. “If that’s it, I’m going.”
He doesn’t wait for a response before leaving.
* * *
I find Jay watching over the Order’s budding farm plot. He sits on his heels at the edge of it, looking out over the fuzzy green tufts sprouting from the soil. His chin rests on his arms, eyes distant and thoughtful.
I sit beside him. “How goes it?”
“Me or the carrots?”
“Both.”
“Fine, and looking a little wilted but still good.”
“Well, hope you can perk up again soon.”
He laughs and I feel a knot inside my chest loosen. “What about you?” he asks. “You look exhausted.”
“Wow, thanks.”
“Merely an observation.”
“Well, it’s a little too spot-on.” Even as I sit here, fatigue pulls at my limbs. I’d go to sleep right here and now if I didn’t crave conversation with Jay.
“Are you doing okay?” he asks.
“I’ve been worse.”
Jay watches me quietly for a moment. Then he stands and holds out a hand to me. “Let’s dance.”
I laugh in surprise. “Dance? Why?”
“Do you need a reason to?”
“It’s just really sudden. Besides, I’ve never danced before.”
“Me either.”
“But you think now is the time to try?”
“I think it might as well be.”
I laugh again as I take his hand and let him pull me up. “Lead the way, Major.”
He starts to hum as he pulls me back gently by the hands, away from the little plot of vegetables. I recognize the song. It’s one of the last pieces we played together on the piano in Central. Something that might as well have been a million years ago already.
For someone who’s never danced before, Jay’s pretty good. I think. I don’t really have any experience to go off of. But he leads me back and forth steadily, and lifts my hand in his to twirl me around.