I pull my eyes from him as Peter begins the usual rundown. “Afternoon, all. My name’s Peter, and this is Jay.” I nod in greeting to everyone and he goes on. “As you heard last time, we’re going to do some simple checks on everyone today using our gifts to confirm you’re here for genuine reasons and not to hurt the Order.” He gestures to the four chairs separate from where everyone currently sits, two on each side of the room. “You need to get approval from both of us in order to pass. One at a time, in whatever order you like. We’ll just be asking some easy questions, so no need to be nervous.”
I survey the candidates, forcing Father out of my focus, and check their presences on my grid. Everyone’s uneasy, but not suspiciously so. No. Wait. There’s one light-haired boy in the back who’s more unsettled than the others, though he doesn’t show it visibly.
When I look at him, he meets my gaze almost defiantly. My fingers tap against my clipboard. Something’s wrong. However, he isn’t doing anything suspicious for the moment, and if anything’s off, Peter or I will catch it. Everything will be fine.
“Any questions?” Peter asks. “No? None? Then let’s get started.”
We split off to our separate chairs and wait. At first, no one steps up to either of us. No one ever wants to be the first. However, soon enough, a middle-aged woman comes to sit in the seat across from me, and a young boy goes to Peter. I keep an eye on the light-haired boy, but he sticks to his seat and speaks to no one. Father doesn’t so much as look at me. Why in the gods’ names is he here?
Focus, focus. I smile at the nervous woman in front of me. “Good afternoon,” I say. “Are you doing well?”
“What? Oh. Oh, yes.” She seems thrown off by my casual question—or perhaps it’s because of my wanted criminal status—so I attempt to make my posture more relaxed to appear less threatening. It’s difficult with Father sitting not so far away.
“You don’t need to worry,” I say. “I’m just going to ask you a few questions.”
“Of course. Please, go ahead.”
“Why do you wish to join the Amaryllis Order?”
“Well, I…” The woman hesitates. Then she straightens and meets my gaze. Her presence beats anxiously but with sincerity when she says, “I just don’t think it’s right, the way Nytes are treated. I know the rumors about how the military’s abusing Nytes—and I’ve seen it myself on the streets. Something’s got to change, and if there’s anything I can do to help, then I want to do it.”
There’s no itch behind my eyes to indicate she’s lying. I smile. “Thank you. I truly appreciate hearing that.”
She hesitates once more. “You’re the same, aren’t you? Everyone knows about the attempted peace meeting and your team’s arrest. People saw it happen from their windows. I—I’m sorry.”
That, I wasn’t expecting. The people we screen often recognize me. However, they don’t typically comment on my bad record with the sector. We always act as if that doesn’t exist, as though I’m any other regular person. Her words give me warmth.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I say. “But thank you. Really.”
Her presence relaxes a little, and I feel already that she’ll be fine to join us. But I continue with the questions, and once we’ve finished and she comes up clear, I let her know and ask for the next person.
The potential recruits trickle through. Father approaches neither me nor Peter initially, but as more and more people finish, he eventually goes to Peter. I try not to let it bother me. I attempt to ignore him as I screen the others, and surprisingly, it isn’t that difficult. His being here doesn’t change anything. I have a job to do, and I’m going to do it.
And then Father comes to me. There are still a few people left, including the light-haired boy I got a strange feeling from earlier, but I wonder if Father decides it’d be better to get talking to me over with, because he sits himself down before me with all the self-purpose I remember him possessing.
Pretend he’s just like everyone else. Merely a stranger I’m screening. “Good afternoon.” I look straight at him. “I’m going to ask you a few simple questions. Please answer as truthfully as possible in order to avoid any confusion.”
“You mean, or else your demonic power will activate.” He says the statement with no true malice, which nearly makes it worse.
“I’ll now begin. Why do you wish to join the Amaryllis Order?”
“Are we truly going to play this game?”
“You will answer my questions or I will be unable to clear you. If you do not wish to cooperate, you may leave at any time.” I keep my voice calm, nonthreatening. I don’t want him to think that anything he says has an effect on me.
He leans forward so his elbows rest on his knees and lowers his voice so no one else in the small room will hear. “I came because I thought you might be here.”
I blink at him over the rims of my glasses. He’s not lying. He was looking for me? “That seems an insufficient reason to join our organization,” I say reflexively. “This is a commitment, not a lost and found. We’re serious in our efforts for peace.”
He leans back again, inscrutable as I remember. However, there’s something in his expression that I can’t place, even when I check his presence on my grid. The fact that I can’t tell what he’s feeling, something I often know intuitively about someone even without relying on my gift, is disconcerting.
“If you were to join, in what capacities would you be willing and able to assist the Order?” I ask.
Father doesn’t say anything for an extended period of time. He merely watches me, a game of his I remember all too well. In the past, I would generally avoid his gaze or say whatever it was I knew he wanted to hear. Now, I return his stare, refusing to back down.
And the more I look at him, the more I wonder why I was ever so overwhelmed by him. He’s nowhere near as intimidating as Al when she wants to be, nor as resolute, devoted, and hardworking as Lai, nor even as single-mindedly decisive about going after what he wants as Erik. He could never kill me like the many rebels I’ve faced in battle, and there’s nothing he could possibly take from me anymore.
I can’t believe this man once appeared so huge to me. At one time, he was the biggest problem in my life. Now, I worry about my friends dying, losing my own life, doing something that could put the Order in jeopardy. In comparison to all the life-ending fears I grapple with on a daily basis, any sort of worry to do with my father is nothing.
When I realize this, it feels as though a chain I hadn’t known was locked around my chest suddenly snaps clean off. There’s nothing this man can do to me anymore. There’s no reason for me to be concerned about him. I no longer want his approval when he has so little for me to even respect about him, and that was the last thing he had over me. With that gone, I’m free.
Free.
I smile. The sudden gesture clearly takes Father by surprise. His lips purse together, and I can nearly see the gears turning behind his eyes. Finally, he says, “I would be able to supply food and funds. I heard from one of the other members that the Order is searching for those who can assist in such regards.”