She acts tough—a girl after my own heart—but I hear the hitch in her voice. She’s trying not to cry.
“I just wanted to make sure you’d be okay,” I say. “I’m sorry if I assumed something you don’t like. You can go—be sure to get plenty of rest.”
She nods tightly and goes back to her group. She barely stops to grab her stuff before leaving her friends and heading out.
I sigh. Did I really say something that bad? She seemed pretty upset. Was it just because I brought up Arman? Or is she that against the idea of revenge? Well, either way, I’m glad it doesn’t sound like she’s going into the fight to find her brother’s killer.
What about you? a voice says in the back of my head. If you’re so relieved she’s not looking for revenge, how come you’re still going after it?
Irina’s situation is different. This is war—of course people are going to kill and be killed. Mother and Father didn’t do anything wrong when my brother suddenly murdered them. And then he ran away like a coward. I’m going to deliver the justice they deserve. That’s all.
But the doubt won’t stop nagging me. Why did my brother kill our parents? We were a happy family. I always thought he loved them as much as I did. Our parents tried to do whatever they could to make us happy even though we didn’t have money—they picked up odd jobs to buy us books, toys, sweets. They didn’t even care that I was a Nyte. They never treated me any differently. If they knew my brother was a Nyte, they never showed it.
Something sticks in my throat, and I start straightening up the practice weapons rack so I can keep my hands busy. How could I not have known my own brother was a Nyte? What’s his gift? When did he know he was a Nyte? Was it before he killed our parents or after? Was he hiding it from us? Does him being gifted have something to do with why he killed Mother and Father?
A headache pounds at the back of my head. Along with Irina’s words. Revenge wouldn’t change anything.
It’s not like I ever expected our parents to come back. I’m not stupid. But for so long, revenge was all I had. And once I joined the military, there was no backing out. There was nothing else I even wanted to try doing.
But it’s not like that anymore. I left the military. I’m free. I’m fighting for something I actually believe in, with friends I love and students I’m proud of. I have so much now. I don’t need revenge to keep living anymore.
What about my brother—the choices he’s made? I used to just be filled with anger and hate when I thought of him. Now, the hate is still there, but duller. Less urgent than the questions of why.
He’s still a murderer. He’s still a rebel. But for the first time, more than wanting to kill him, I want to talk to him. I want to know what he was thinking, how my kind, thoughtful older brother turned into a monster. I’ll probably still have to kill him—he’s a rebel, so we’re enemies no matter what. But there are things I want to ask him before that.
“Al? You got a minute?”
I stop messing with the practice weapons and turn around to see Lai and Jay waiting. Lai’s arms are crossed, and her heel taps against the floor like standing still for five seconds is going to kill her.
“Sure,” I say. “What is it?”
“Not here.” Lai jerks her chin toward the training room’s entrance.
I look to Jay, but he shrugs like he doesn’t know what’s going on, either. I shrug back and we follow her out into the halls until we get to an empty room.
Lai doesn’t talk until the door’s closed. “With all the prep for tomorrow’s battle, there’s something I think you both should know,” she says. “Just in case the worst happens.” She talks briskly, like she’s giving orders to troops. But she won’t really meet our eyes, and her shoulders slump with exhaustion. She’s making me worried.
“Hey, don’t talk like that,” I say. “Everything’s going to be fine.” I know I shouldn’t say stuff like that right before a huge battle—but it’s Lai. If anyone’s going to come out alive and kicking at the end of all this, it’s going to be her.
She shakes her head. “It’s best to prepare for any possibility.” When I try to argue, she waves me off. “Just listen, okay? This is important.”
Jay’s eyes flick between us, but he doesn’t say anything, so I stay quiet, too.
“The truth is, I’m Walker,” Lai says. Finally, she meets our eyes. “Luke entrusted the Order to me when he … passed. When the others and I decided to make the Order a more serious organization, I took on the identity of Walker to protect those around me. It’s why I didn’t tell you before now—especially with the war going on.” She sighs. “But tomorrow I’ll be leading the ambush against the rebels as Walker. So I wanted you to know.”
I can tell by the way her eyes narrow as she watches us that she’s trying to gauge our reactions. But I don’t know what to feel. Lai being Walker? No wonder she’s always so tired. It explains a lot, actually. If she’d said this a few months ago, I probably would’ve been mad. But she made it pretty clear after our fight that she has her secrets and she’d be keeping them. That that’s who she is. It’s not like I can really be angry with her when she warned us. And surprisingly, I actually don’t feel angry. Okay, maybe a little irritated.
“I mean, I figured there was stuff you were still hiding from us,” I say. “You said as much before. But whatever, you’re telling us now, right? It’s fine. Let’s just focus on beating up some rebels tomorrow.”
Jay smiles slightly. He’s hard to read, but he’s always patient, so I doubt he’s taking the secrecy personally. I’m almost surprised he didn’t already know, what with how much Lai tells him. “I’m glad you confided in us with this, Lai,” he says. “Thank you.”
“Yeah, well,” Lai says. “I figured now was the time.”
“Surprised you thought there was a time,” I say. She elbows me in the ribs, and I grin at her as I shove back.
After that, as we head off to a strategy meeting together, we talk about what we’ll eat for lunch when we make it back tomorrow—Lai and I arguing over every food the other suggests while Jay tries to mediate. For that one moment, I can almost pretend everything is normal. That my best friend isn’t leading us into battle tomorrow, that I’m not going to lose anyone I care about, that I won’t eventually have to make a decision about my brother and revenge.
20
LAI
“THE DEFENSE TEAM is ready,” Trist says. He sits between Fiona and Amal, the other captains and Helpers spread out around the table as we go over everything one last time before the assault tomorrow morning. “If the rebels have found us somehow and are using this as a distraction to attack Regail Hall, we will not give them an easy time.” He glances to Syon, sitting on the other side of Fiona—our trump card. None of us want him to have to fight, but if it comes down to it, he’s the strongest Nyte in the Order. No one can win against him—unless they have a neutralization crystal. Which is highly possible. But not worth dwelling on.