‘Stell.’
‘I want to go back in,’ I say.
‘You do?’
I wipe my eyes, wondering why Mum never told me about Kelly being sixteen before. Why she’d waited until I was sitting across from Kelly, but I squash the thought and stand up. I can’t be mad at Mum right now. ‘Yeah. Back in. I need to understand.’
***
Kelly hasn’t moved. I sink back into my seat and prop my head in my hands, unsure where to look. I’m aware of water dripping onto the table in front of me, and I blot at it with my sleeve.
‘It’s a bit much for her,’ Mum says, like I’m a kid. Like I’m still six and she’s hiding that first letter from me.
‘It’s not!’ I snap. I sit up in my chair and take a deep breath. ‘It’s not too much for me.’
‘Would you like something to eat?’ Kelly asks.
‘Chips. A bowl of chips with salt,’ Mum says, glancing at me. ‘Stella loves chips.’
‘I’ll have a salad,’ I mutter. ‘The garden salad.’
Kelly lifts a hand and a waiter appears. ‘For you?’ she asks Mum.
‘Oh, I’ll peck at the salad. It’s fine.’
‘I’ll have another coffee and can we also get the garden salad and a bowl of chips,’ says Kelly.
The waiter repeats the order back and Kelly nods, and then it’s just the three of us again, in the hum of the café.
‘You can ask me whatever you want,’ says Kelly, not quite looking at me. She glances at Mum and quickly away. ‘Whatever you need to.’
I pull out my list. My fingers shake a little, but I’m not sure that Kelly notices because she’s staring out into the street. I have filled the page with questions, questions and questions and questions. But there’s only one that I can think of. The words blur in front of me.
‘Were you raped?’
She goes very still, and I’m certain she’s not going to respond. ‘I think you know the answer to that already, or you wouldn’t be asking it.’
‘Was he caught?’
‘No.’
‘Did you report it?’
She shifts in her seat. Have I gone too far, I wonder? Then she says, ‘No. I was going to. But . . . my father . . . no. I didn’t report it.’
‘Stella,’ Mum says, her voice sharp. ‘Now’s not really the time.’
‘Then when is? When is the time?’
Kelly’s gazing out the window. I wonder how much it’s costing her. Even just sitting here with me mustn’t be easy. I look down at my list and swallow.
‘You wrote about a garden and a house near the sea. Do you still live there?’ I ask.
She looks at me. ‘You read that letter?’
‘I’ve read them all,’ I say. ‘All the ones that Mum saved.’
Kelly relaxes a little. ‘Yeah. I’m still in that house. It was a ruin when I bought it and I’ve been doing it up. I’ve built a big brick wall around it. It’s very peaceful. My sister calls it the secret garden.’
My salad and Mum’s chips arrive, and we eat in silence for a while.
‘What do you do with yourself, Kelly?’ Mum asks, because silences make her go mad.
‘I have my own business. I’m a landscape consultant.’
‘Oh, so you work in people’s gardens? You’re a gardener?’
‘No. I design the area and oversee the project. I don’t do any of the hands-on stuff.’
‘Oh. Right. Well, good for you!’ Mum smiles at her, the way I imagine she smiles at the residents at the nursing home. ‘Making so much of yourself after having Stell so young. Do you enjoy it?’
‘I love it.’
Mum gives a small nod. ‘I’m in hospitality myself. Work in the health services sector.’ Mum nudges me. ‘Stella wants to be a therapist.’
Kelly startles. ‘A therapist?’
‘Well, I haven’t decided yet.’ I try to think of someone scarier than Kelly, but I can’t. She’s the most terrifying person I’ve ever met.
I’m still peering down at my list. ‘Can you roll your tongue?’
‘What?’
Flushing, I roll mine. I show her.
Kelly blinks and finishes her coffee. She looks away from me. ‘No.’
***
Mum and I don’t drive straight home. Instead, Mum drives us to the beach near Lockwood and buys me a lemon, orange and lime gelato. It’s what I always have when we go to the beach. I eat it out of a cup now, though, when I go to the beach with Clem, Zin and Lara. I don’t say a word as Mum hands me a cone.
We sit on the concrete steps and stare out at the water. I can smell salt and rotting seaweed and it makes my stomach churn. I eat the gelato slowly.
‘That really upset you,’ Mum says.
‘I guess.’
‘You don’t have to see her again, you know? It was so brave to do it once, but it’s too much for you.’
I lick the gelato so I get all three flavours, still looking out at the water.
‘You already have a family, Stell.’
‘I know.’
‘Do you want to see her again?’
A bit of gelato dribbles over my fingers.
‘No, Mum.’ I close my eyes, my fingers sticky. I feel suddenly so tired that I think longingly of our double bed at Fairyland. ‘No, I don’t want to see her again.’
Mum puts her arm around me and I feel her relief. I wonder if Kelly scared her, too. ‘Whatever you want. It’s all going to be okay,’ she says.
***
I go down to the river. It’s a good place to practise mindfulness and reflect on my life journey. I don’t notice the sound of the highway anymore. Someone’s been planting more flowers in amongst the grass, or maybe they’re weeds. I don’t know. They’re just pretty.
I can’t see Matthew, but Taylor follows me out from the cabin, and when I sit down, she sits next to me and watches me closely. She’s added pink to her hair now and it’s fluffy and silky and I want to brush it, like I did when we were little.
The water’s much closer to the bench than it used to be. I glance up at the flood line and can’t decide if it makes me feel better or worse.
‘So?’ she says.
‘She had me when she was sixteen.’
Taylor’s eyebrows shoot up. ‘Sixteen?’
I nod, dragging a twig across the grass. ‘She doesn’t even know the guy’s name. She was taken advantage of. That’s how Mum put it.’
Taylor spits in the grass and swears, and somehow her anger makes me feel better.
‘She doesn’t look like me, at all.’ I bite my lip. ‘I reckon I look more like Mum than Kelly.’
‘What does she look like?’
‘Dark hair. Not much makeup. Those really plain clothes that you just know cost heaps. I can’t remember, exactly. It’s all a bit of a blur.’
‘Tall like you?’
‘No. I don’t know.’
‘Was she what you expected?’
‘No. I thought we’d feel like we knew each other.’
‘Are you going to see her again?’