Perhaps he’s frightened.
Perhaps he’s being taunted by the other inmates.
Perhaps he’s being subjected to the same atrocities he put me through.
Perhaps he’ll be torn to shreds, abused, and beaten.
I can’t help but feel content to know he’s in the best place for a monster.
A cage.
Dad walks into the kitchen. His face is pale and he’s shaking his head. “What is it, Dad?”
He slides back the chair, and collapses into it. “Thomas?” Mom questions while she sits beside me. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. What is it?”
“Eveline just called.” He takes his phone out of his pocket, and places it on the dining table.
“What happened?” I ask. Mom and I rally around Dad. Something big has happened. Or it wouldn’t affect him to this point. “Dad,” I urge as I grab his hand.
He stares at me for a moment, shaking his head with his mouth open. “Preston,” he whispers.
“What about that filthy piece of shit?” Mom says, her tone changing to anger.
“He’s dead.”
“What?” I ask.
“What?” Mom echoes.
“He’s dead. He killed himself while he was out on bail. Took a lethal overdose and killed himself. Wrote us a letter.”
“I don’t want to read it,” I say without missing a beat. Standing, I go to the back door, Zhen lifts his head to look at me, then places it on the ground again. “He destroyed our family, tore us apart. He took the life of my sister, I don’t want to hear about how sorry he is, and how much he regrets wrapping his fingers around her throat and choking her until she could no longer breathe.”
“We need to heal,” Mom says softly.
“And he’s taken that away from us too. What a coward. A damn chicken for not accepting responsibility. I want to spit on him, and hurt him, and kill him myself!” I yell, bursting into tears.
“We need to find another way to heal, Molly. Or this will consume us. And then what kind of legacy would we live for Tina? She wouldn’t want us to live a life of hate.”
“We don’t know what Tina would want, because he killed her,” I bite out.
“Would you want Tina to live her life filled with anger, hate, and misery?” Dad asks.
I turn away from them, and stare outside. I hear Zhen stand, and come to nudge me with his wet nose. Zorro’s toenails click on the floor as he enters the kitchen. Zorro always goes to Dad, but this time, he comes to stand on the other side of me, and licks my foot. “I wouldn’t want it to consume her. But I don’t know if I can let this go.”
“We’re not asking you to let it go. We’re asking you to heal,” Mom says. “These circumstances are not ordinary, Molly. None of it. But we lost our daughter, just like you lost your sister, your best friend. Tina wouldn’t want us to be eaten up by hate for the rest of our lives. For whatever reason, Preston took his own life. I know I wanted to look him in the eyes and tell him what a bastard he was for what he did, but I won’t have that opportunity. Now I have to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life hating so much that I can’t live the rest of my life.”
She’s right, M. We have to focus on the future, we can’t forever look at our past. I thought AJ would be the one willing to break through and smash someone, or something. But his voice of reason makes me stop to really think.
“I can’t forgive him,” I say.
“We’re not asking you to,” Dad replies. “That pathetic animal took my daughter’s life. I cannot and will not ever forgive him. I was waiting for him to have his day in court so I could watch as he agonized while Eveline tore him limb from limb. I wanted to see him suffer. In pain. And hopefully beg and plead, just the way I imagine Tina begged for him to stop hurting her. I wanted that so badly, you have no idea. But the universe had other plans for him, plans none of us can understand. I’ll hate him until my very last breath, and I’ll never forgive him either. But I refuse to allow him to take away my ability to love. Because without you, and your mother, my life is worth nothing. We’re not asking you to forgive, we’re asking you to move forward, no matter how tiny the first step is.” His eyebrows pinch together, and he hangs his head low. Dad’s in soul-altering pain. I know he is, because so am I. We all are.
I chew on my nail as I turn to look out the glass door to the back yard again. I’m thankful Amelia is on her way over, because I need to talk to her about so many things. “I want to hurt him,” I say in a small voice.
“So do I,” Mom replies.
“We all wanted to hurt him,” Dad adds. “I wish he died from my hands, not his own.”
The mood in the room is agonizingly raw. The three of us are all barely hanging on. “I’m devastated he ended his life. He didn’t deserve anything that easy.”
“No, he didn’t,” Dad says. “But it’s done and there’s nothing more we can do about it. Now we need to focus on you, and making that piece of shit Mack answer for his sick crimes.”
The doorbell rings, and Zhen and Zorro both run toward the door.
I head out, knowing it’ll be Amelia. When I answer the door, she steps in, and immediately sees the hurt I’m feeling. “Molly?” she asks cautiously. I nod. “What happened?”
“Preston killed himself.”
She grimaces, and shakes her head. “Are your parents here?”
“Yeah, we are,” Dad says as he and Mom walk into the foyer holding hands.
“Today may benefit everyone, if you’d like to join us,” Amelia offers.
Mom and Dad are already walking in, before Amelia really has the chance to finish her sentence. We all sit in our regular seats, Amelia takes her water bottle out of her bag, takes a sip, then places it beside her on the floor.
Zhen and Zorro both walk in. Zhen lies at my feet, and Zorro goes to Dad.
“Will Dylan be joining us?” Amelia asks.
“No, he’s got work he needs to catch up on. He’ll be here later tonight, maybe. If he gets his work finished.”
“So…,” Amelia starts. “Molly, how do you feel?”
“I can’t forgive him.”
“No one is asking you to. Forgiveness isn’t something that’s easily given. But you have to be comfortable with whatever decision you make in reference to how you feel about him.”
“I’m comfortable knowing I hate him. And I’m comfortable knowing I hope he suffered and hurt for at least a moment before he died. And I’m comfortable hoping that moment felt like an eternity before he took his last breath.”
“Those words are strong. And maybe over time, and with some techniques I’ll show you, you can find some peace.”
I want to tell her that I’m already at peace, but reality is, I’m not. I’ve been in a world of chaos for what feels like forever. My life will never be like as easy as it was the night Tina and I had dinner with our parents for our eighteenth birthday. That night seems like decades ago, when in fact, only months have passed.
I sit silently, and listen to my parents telling Amelia how they feel. I’m lost in my thoughts, not adding to the conversation. I can feel AJ surfacing, worried for me. He’s near, circling, waiting for me to stumble so he can step in and protect.