We quickly take seats that, thankfully, George saved for us, and grab at the grilled cheeses going around before getting up and washing our hands.
“So … were you busy?” George asks.
“It was a hike,” I say. “We lost track of time.”
“I’m sure,” George says seriously, nodding.
“How were rehearsals?”
“Good!” George says.
“George has already mastered his dance for ‘Kids,’” Paz says. “I still can’t leap high enough to get over the Shriners’ arms.”
“Crystal added a thing where Jen has to swing on monkey bars during ‘Put on a Happy Face,’” Ashleigh says. “I think Crystal has finally lost her mind.”
“It’s going to be really cool looking, though,” Paz says. “They’re doing it in a playground, so there are slides and stuff that Jen is trying to get me to go on and I keep turning away. And Ashleigh can get some happy-face lights, which is going to be so cool. Mark said he’d thought of it but assumed it wasn’t possible.”
“I’m not sure it is,” Ashleigh says quickly. “I’m still figuring out if I can get it just right.”
“You will,” Paz says.
“I watched part of it,” Brad says. “The rehearsal. It’s hard, man. I didn’t realize, like, I’ve just always seen it at the end of the summer and it’s like done and perfect. I didn’t realize all the work that goes into it.”
“You didn’t see all of it, though,” Paz says, her face radiating mischief.
“C’mon,” Brad says.
“I caught them making out in one of the prop closets,” Paz says to us, grinning.
“I had some free time between calls,” George says with a shrug. “You were the one who walked in on us.”
“I didn’t know you’d be in there. Next time lock it, or put a sock on the doorknob or something.”
“In the drama cabin?” I ask, a little scandalized.
“It was just kissing,” George says. “No worse than what you do in front of our cabin every night.”
“Okay,” Brad says, looking very embarrassed. “I learned my lesson. We can move on.”
George giggles and puts his hand on Brad’s thigh.
“How was your hike?” George asks.
“Good,” I say. “Hudson showed me a great view.”
“I’ll bet,” Ashleigh says. I glare at her.
“You’re all terrible,” I say.
“No, it really was amazing,” Hudson says. “We just talked. I …” He pauses. He looks at me, and then looks away suddenly, his brow furrowing. “It was great,” he says, quieter.
I look at Hudson, but he focuses on his food. His thigh moves away from mine and I can feel my heart racing. Did I just do something wrong? Did he suddenly remember me, or something, like real me, not Del, from last summer? Something about the light, or my voice? Talking about his grandma?
I put my hand on his leg, and he doesn’t pull away, but he doesn’t lean into me, either. We all keep talking, and no one but me seems to notice that there’s a sudden wall between me and Hudson, when just an hour ago we’d been closer than ever. After lunch, Hudson says he’s going to go shower and write his parents and takes off, so I walk with George, Ashleigh, and Paz to the drama cabin.
“Was he acting weird?” I ask.
“Hudson?” Paz asks. “No more than usual.”
“I feel like he got cold all of a sudden.”
“Did you finally screw?” Ashleigh asks.
“No. Really. We just talked. We made out a little, but that was it.”
“Maybe lunch didn’t agree with him,” George says. “But he seemed fine to me. I wouldn’t worry about it. Your plan is still very much on track. You going to come watch rehearsals? We’re going to learn the big group number for ‘A Lot of Livin’ to Do.’ Crystal will probably have us literally making human pyramids and jumping off them.
“She did have me bring in some trampolines,” Ashleigh says.
“Please tell me that’s a joke,” Paz says.
We walk in nervous silence long enough that Paz’s eyes get huge with worry before Ashleigh cracks a smile.
“You are so mean,” Paz says, shoving Ashleigh’s shoulder. Ashleigh’s smile gets bigger.
“You going to watch?” George asks me.
“Sure, for a bit.”
I watch the rehearsals for a while, but it feels bittersweet. I love watching them. I love seeing the theater develop amid a bunch of falls and misplaced feet. I love hearing the half-singing that goes on in a dance rehearsal, and watching Crystal move her arms in ways that make no sense as she directs the choreography, or hearing her wacky names for moves—“Now bunny spin, hug yourself, worm wiggle, keep worm wiggling as you hop to your next position, good … now exploding star! Great. Montgomery, your solo now, so you kick to the front of the pack, and cross kick, cross kick, hands on hips, wink … no, wink a little more angrily. This is about your rebellion, remember.”
After an hour, they have the basics down, and it’s going to be a cool dance number. Jordan’s Birdie radiates some serious swagger, and Montgomery has the ingenue sex kitten thing down. George and Paz are in the background of this one, too—as different characters—just so the stage feels really full of dancers. And it is. The entire company just out there, working together, dancing and singing. I miss it so much. I wonder if they’d let me just get up there and dance with them. Only for rehearsals. Just so I could feel that again. I wouldn’t have to be in the show—though that would feel even better.
Damn, I miss this. And now Hudson is being weird, and maybe the plan isn’t going as well as I want, and I don’t want to give up on Hudson, but … Maybe if I came back now, they’ll let me be in the chorus. I’m a fast learner. I could pick up some steps. Or just work backstage, at the prop table or something. I’d rotate every other day with Hudson or at the drama cabin. I could tell him I was sick. Like rotating your heart back and forth between two bodies. That’s what it would feel like, I think. Slingshotting my heart back and forth until it got vertigo. No. I need to find a way to get my heart into both of them at once. That’s what the plan is for.
They finish “A Lot of Livin’ to Do” and move on to the “Shriners’ Ballet,” the cast rotating off stage, lights flickering on and off. Being back in the drama cabin feels like home. It smells like rubber and wood and the cigarettes Mark quit two years ago but still has one of on opening night. I want to press myself into the stage, and I almost wouldn’t mind if it was right now, with everyone dancing on me.
Maybe the issue with Hudson is that we really bonded today. I got too close, and even with everything I’ve done, remaking myself, holding back, maybe he’s just not able to connect with someone like that. Or maybe he just needs time, and I’m spiraling because I want everything to work with him, but I still miss this so much, it feels like I haven’t been breathing until now.
“Well, well,” Montgomery says, sitting behind me as I watch Paz and the Shriners onstage. “Look who dragged his ass back to the theater.”