“You were so good up there,” I tell him, turning around. “You nailed it, really.”
“Of course I did,” Montgomery says, trying to act cool, but I can tell he’s pleased with the compliment. “But what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be off pretending to be butch for your butch boyfriend?”
“He’s writing his parents,” I say. “And I missed you all.”
“Really?” Jordan asks, sitting next to Montgomery.
“You were amazing, Jordan,” I say. “You radiate that David Bowie vibe that Mark wants.”
“Aww, thanks,” they say, swatting at my shoulder.
“I still don’t get why you’re here,” Montgomery says. “Won’t it blow your cover? Aren’t you above us now that you’ve ascended to the heights of masculine masturbatory fantasy?”
Jordan snickers.
“Oh please,” I say. “Hudson knows I’m friends with you. Don’t be a—”
“Drama queen?” Montgomery interrupts. “Like you used to be?”
“That’s not what I was going to say.” I roll my eyes. “And I’m still a drama queen. The whole camp is my theater.”
“That’s true.” Jordan nods. “He is putting on quite a show.”
“I’ve never been a fan of one-man shows,” Montgomery says with a sigh. “They always seem so self-involved.”
I laugh. “Are you really mad at me?” I ask. “Just for not being in the show?”
“I don’t know yet,” Montgomery says, crossing his arms. “And it’s about more than the show.”
“Montgomery,” Mark shouts from the front of the theater. “Where are you? We need you for ‘What Did I Ever See in Him?’”
“Coming,” Montgomery calls, standing and walking to the front of the theater.
“He just feels like you abandoned us for a hot guy,” Jordan says.
I nod. I can see their point. “Not just any hot guy, though,” I say. They have to understand that. They’ve known how I’ve felt about Hudson for years.
“Look, I love a rom-com, and you are making. It. Happen.” They snap between each word. “Which is super impressive. But no one likes being a background extra in someone else’s show. Is this the first time you’ve even been in the drama cabin this summer?”
“No, I was here for the talent show.”
“Okay, first time you’ve been here for you?”
“I mean … I’ve been busy.” I look down. I feel like I’m being grilled in a police station.
“I get it.” They stand up. “But you can’t act like nothing has changed, either.”
“I’m still with you at night. I dance in the morning.”
“My dad had this really big job when I was a baby,” Jordan says. “Left for work before I was up, home after dinner. I was just starting to talk. Knew the word dada, though. Then I forgot it. My mom made him quit, take a job that had him home enough I knew who he was.” They shrug. “Anyway, that’s just a fun story my mom likes to tell me. I gotta go get measured for a costume. Good seeing you!”
They smile and walk off. I get what they mean, and what Montgomery is mad about, but it’ll all be fine soon. Either Hudson’s about to dump me anyway, and that’s why he’s acting funny, or in a few weeks I’ll be able to tell him the truth. And then everything will go back to how it was.
I watch the rehearsals until I’m just up there, with them, in spirit. George comes out once to say hi, but Mark quickly makes him run backstage for a costume fitting. Ashleigh sits next to me sometimes, making notes, asking me if I think a scene needs a follow spot or not, and then she vanishes again and the lights go a little bluer and she comes back and asks if the stage feels more “suburban” now, and I say yes to everything, because I think that’s what she wants.
When Mark dismisses everyone, we go back up to the cabin together and change into our swimsuits and then go back down to the pool, where Hudson is nowhere to be seen. I feel sad in a way I haven’t since camp started and Hudson said hi. I feel like I’m missing something I love, and without Hudson next to me, kissing me, resting his hand on my hip, I’m forgetting why I did it in the first place.
We only have ten minutes in the pool before they kick us out to get ready for dinner, and we make the most of it, cooling off in the water.
“You seem sad,” George says, toweling himself off as we walk back to our cabins. “I’m telling you, he’s probably having stomach issues. Living in the bathroom.”
“Or he’s jerking off. If you two really did just talk, he’s probably feeling frisky,” Ashleigh says.
I grin. Hadn’t thought of that. “Maybe. But it’s more just watching all of you onstage. I’m sad I’m not up there.”
“Oh, darling,” George says, sad for me. He wraps one arm around me as we walk, hugging me. “You made your choice, though. And you’re happy, right?”
“I just wish I could have both, I guess,” I say.
“Next summer, right?” Ashleigh says.
“Yeah,” I say.
At the cabin we all shower off before heading down to dinner, where Hudson sits down next to me, but I still feel a strange distance between us.
“You okay?” I ask in a low voice. “I didn’t see you in the pool.”
“Sorry,” he says, squeezing my leg. “Fell asleep writing my parents a letter.”
“Okay,” I say.
“I’m kind of groggy.” He offers me a half smile before turning back to the watery lasagna in front of us.
We talk about the show a little more, and practice our stories for tonight’s scary story bonfire, and Hudson seems fine, just a little distant, and I want to know what’s bothering him but don’t want to be a nag, but I also wish if something was wrong he would just tell me so I could know what’s happening. I want to fight for him, but I don’t know how, because I don’t know what’s wrong.
I barely pay attention to the scary stories around the campfire that night, not even Ashleigh’s, which is always the most horrifying. I feel like my life is scarier than any ghost or whatever right now. Hudson stands next to me, roasting a marshmallow and smiling and laughing, but he’s not calling me babe or putting his hand on my hip like he usually does, so I know something is wrong and it’s a pile of dirt in my stomach. I want him so badly to just pull me close and to feel that electricity between us again, that desire to run off and kiss in the dark, but he’s somber now. I’ve gone from rom-com to drama, and it’s not cute.
When we say good night, I kiss him on the mouth, and he kisses me back, but it’s not like last night, or any of the previous nights. It’s soft. It’s quiet.
After lights-out, I lie awake for a long time, wondering what I did wrong, and how to fix it, or if I can fix it, or if I should bother fixing it if not fixing it means I get to be in the show again. Does he know? If he does, and he didn’t outright end it, that’s good, but it feels like my plan is failing, and if it’s failing, what am I even doing anymore trying, when I could go back to theater? Was Hudson worth it if this is all going to crash and burn tomorrow?