“I know. Words aren’t quite as good as actions, are they?”
“I love words,” I said too quickly, thinking about his letters and song lyrics and books and everything else that words made possible. He raised an eyebrow. “Lucas, too,” I added.
His eyebrow came down. “What?”
“You were mean to me when I was talking to Lucas.”
“When?”
“At the football game. You dragged him away and probably told him not to bother.”
Cade shook his head several times. “No. I was trying to help. You had this frozen look on your face. I thought you were uncomfortable.”
“You were saving me?”
“I thought I was. Apparently not.”
“People don’t always need you to save them, you know.”
He looked down at his hands that he had clasped together. “But sometimes they do, right?”
When I didn’t answer he went on. “It’s okay to need help every once in a while … To ask for help.”
“I don’t need help. And I don’t need someone who helps people to make himself feel important.”
I cringed. Why did I say that? Why did I always lash out at him?
I knew why. Because I cared about him. And it was becoming obvious to me that he cared about everybody. He liked to help people, which was the real reason he was sitting in front of me right now. He thought he was helping when really he was making this so much harder for me.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“You’re probably right,” he said with a sigh. “Half the reason I try to help people is to make myself feel … ” He trailed off and I had no idea how he was going to finish that sentence.
“Feel what?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. So, why were you so upset earlier?”
I swallowed hard. “I lost something important to me. And then I found out Lucas and I aren’t really compatible.” Mostly because I figured out I really like you but can’t have you.
“Compatible? You seem perfect for each other.”
“Is that an insult?” I normally wouldn’t take it as one, but coming from Cade, it felt like one.
“No. I just mean that he’s not mainstream. He’s a little different. You seem to like that.”
“I do.”
“So then what’s the problem?”
“No problem. It was just bad timing, I guess. It’s not a big deal. Really.”
“A big enough deal to cry over.”
I had not been crying about Lucas. My guitar, yes. My never-to-be relationship with Cade, yes. But not Lucas. “It wasn’t about that. I’ll be fine.”
“But if you like someone enough you try to work on things.”
I laughed a little. “And there is the problem. We didn’t like each other enough.”
“Because you like someone else?”
My eyes locked on his. Had I somehow given that away? I needed to change the subject before the truth came out.
“What about you?” I asked quickly. “How have you been?”
“Since?”
“I don’t know. Since Thanksgiving when a rude person kicked you out of her house.”
He smiled. “Fine. Baseball keeps me busy.”
I heard the static of a walkie-talkie and stood up quickly. “Someone’s coming,” I whispered.
Cade didn’t look like he believed me at first but then there were voices coming up the walkway, talking about checking out the disturbance. Meaning us. We were the disturbance.
I jumped up and pulled Cade to the only door on the patio. We slipped inside what I thought would be a room that would lead us away from here but turned out to be a closet filled with more chairs. We wedged ourselves inside and Cade pulled the door closed behind us, instantly engulfing us in blackness.
He must’ve shifted to the left because his foot came down on mine. I breathed air between my teeth.
“Sorry,” he whispered. “Where are you?”
I was so close to him I could feel his body heat, so I wasn’t sure why he couldn’t tell where I was. I put both hands up, thinking they were going to touch his back, but realized I was touching his chest instead. “Right here.”
He placed his hands over mine on his chest. “Now I won’t step on you.”
“We could just tell them we’re guests and got lost,” I suggested.
“And had to jump a fence? I’m afraid they’ll recognize me and take away my stepdad’s golf membership. They’ll know I wasn’t lost.”
“They’ll take away his membership over something lame like that?”
“Let’s just say they’re most likely looking for an excuse. He’s not the most pleasant person on the planet.”
I nodded even though Cade couldn’t see me in the darkness. Outside the door I could hear the voices. It was hard to tell what they were saying, even at full volume, so I wasn’t worried about Cade and me whispering.
“Do you get along with him?” I asked.
“My stepdad?”
“Yes.”
“No.” And that’s all he said. I assumed that meant he didn’t want to talk about it.
“Did you miss any classes this week?” I asked.
“No, why?”
“Oh.” I was not going to let that knowledge hurt my feelings. It didn’t matter. I was happy that he hadn’t written, I reminded myself.
“Why?” he asked again.
“I didn’t see you much is all.”
“Were you looking?” I could hear the smile in his voice.
“You wish.”
He laughed softly and I felt the movement of it under my hands. I closed my eyes and willed my hands to be still, not to move or explore like they were dying to.
“Sasha told me.”
That statement solved the problem of my temptation.
My breath became shallow. She told him. Why would she tell him? What was she hoping to accomplish? But of course she told him.
So that solved the mystery of why he’d stopped writing me. He had been disappointed.
“She did?” It was all I could say. My breath was gone. My face was red. I was surprised it wasn’t glowing in the darkness. I tried to drop my hands but he was still holding them against his chest. “When?”
“Tuesday after the man bracelet conversation.”
Right. That made sense. She’d seen us talking, she’d given me that nasty look, then she probably marched up and told him the truth. “Oh.” It was all I could think of to say.
“That’s why I was glad I ran into you earlier. I just wanted to clear the air.”
“You’ve cleared it. It’s nice and clear.”
“Is it? Because it still feels a bit murky to me.”
“Then we might as well just say it out loud, clearly. What exactly did Sasha tell you?”
“That you hate me.”
“Yes … Wait, what?”
“It wasn’t news to me, considering what we’d just talked about at my house, but I had hoped that we could get past it. Talk it out. Be friends.”
“No.”
“We can’t be friends.”
“No, yes, we can.” I was in shock. “I didn’t tell her that. She told me the same thing about you.”