As I tried to carefully unfold it, I ripped a corner. I forced my hands to be still and finished, flattening the paper onto my desk.
I’m sorry I haven’t been writing you. Here’s the thing. I really enjoy writing you and you’re great and funny and smart, but then I started liking this girl, a girl who challenges me like no one before her has, and writing you felt a little like cheating on her. Even though she and I are not together. And you and I are not together. But still. This began feeling untrue to myself, and to her. I should’ve told you last week instead of just dropping off like that. She’s not quite convinced I’m a good guy yet, but I hope she will be soon. Wish me luck.
The blood slowly drained from my face. This letter could mean one of two things. One, it meant that Cade liked me. Me. The real-life version of me. We had been spending some time together, right?
But then there was the other possibility—that he’d fallen for someone else entirely. After all, these letters were me. And if he fell for the real me, shouldn’t he have also fallen for the letter-writing me?
I was torn. Did I take my letter back and wait a few more days, see if I saw him around with another girl? Or did I leave my letter there and hope for the best either way?
I left it, much to my racing heart’s objections, because if he did like some other girl, this was my best chance to win him over.
After school, I showed Isabel the latest letter and she squealed.
“So you think this is a good thing?” I asked.
“He likes you. Go talk to him.”
My head whipped around, her statement making me think he was somewhere in the vicinity. He wasn’t, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“He’s probably at baseball practice,” Isabel said. “I think they started pre-season training today. Go find him there. Wait for him.”
“I left him a letter. He’ll read it tomorrow. Until then I’m going to eat an entire bucket of Rolos and slip into a food coma.”
“Do Rolos cause food comas? All that sugar would produce the opposite effect, don’t you think?” she asked as though I was seriously going to eat an entire bucket of Rolos.
“After the high there would surely be a crash.”
“But that would take too long.”
“You’re right. Thank goodness you’ve talked some sense into me.”
“Another reason you keep me around.”
“One of a million.”
She squeezed my hand. “Tomorrow. Big things will happen tomorrow.”
I saw Cade in the parking lot the next morning. He was walking and talking with a guy friend, his smile bright enough to stop traffic, or hearts, mine being the proof of that. How was I going to continue to see him if the day ended badly?
“There’s Cade.” Ashley waved but he didn’t see her so she started to roll down her window.
I grabbed her shoulder. “Please don’t.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Can we just wait to talk to him?”
“Wait until when?” Then her eyes went wide. “Oh! Do you like Wyatt’s coach? Are you in the ‘being mysterious’ phase?”
I groaned, thinking about that letter waiting to be read under the desk. “I am in the very opposite of the mysterious phase.”
“Then you’re not doing it right.”
“I know. I’m sure I’m failing miserably. I’ve broken every rule.” I got out of the car now that Cade was well past us. “See you after school.”
Chemistry. The desk waited in front of me like a headstone in a zombie movie. I was stuck at the door, staring at it, not sure if in my zombie metaphor that I’d be the girl to charge forward with a pickax. I’d probably be the one running the other way.
“You going to walk or block the doorway?” Sasha said from behind me, forcing her way around me, her shoulder slamming into mine. I tripped forward but didn’t fall. It gave me the momentum I needed to keep walking.
I sat down, counted to three, and went for the letter. My hand only found a fresh piece of gum. So it had been option number two. He liked some other lucky girl. And now he knew it was me. At least I’d told him in a letter, where I didn’t have to watch him be horrified. My hopes fell to my feet, crushed more than I thought they’d be.
Why had I thought a mainstream popular guy like Cade would fall for an off-the-beaten-path girl like me, anyway?
My eyes went blurry and I forced them clear again with a few hard blinks. For the first time in a while, I made myself take decent notes, even though Mr. Ortega had long ago stopped requesting them at the end of class.
When the bell mercifully sounded, putting me out of my misery, Mr. Ortega called my name. “Wait for a moment please.”
Sasha gave me a satisfied look so I wondered if she had somehow gotten me in trouble again. As soon as everyone had left, Mr. Ortega held up a folded note. “Is this what you were looking for earlier?” he asked.
My heart started beating hard. He was holding hope in his hand and I wanted to charge him for it. I nodded.
“You and Cade think I’m blind?”
My shoulders tensed. Did that mean he stole my note yesterday as well? The one I’d written to Cade telling him who I was?
“No.”
“I’m glad to hear that because your actions would say otherwise.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No more letter writing in class.”
“I didn’t write my last one in class,” I said even though I knew it didn’t matter.
“Beside the point.”
“Can I have it now?” I asked, nodding toward the letter he held up like a prize I couldn’t win.
“I am going to hang on to this. When you bring up your Chemistry grade, I will turn it over. Until then … ” He opened his desk drawer and dropped it in. “It’s mine.”
It took all my will power not to drop to my knees and beg Mr. Ortega to have mercy on my poor overworked nerves. I grabbed my backpack and headed for the door. The halls were empty, everyone already at lunch. If Cade had written me a positive response upon finding out my identity, wouldn’t he be standing in the hall right now with his amazing smile telling me he wanted to get married and have indie rock babies with me? Unless he hadn’t gotten my letter at all and still didn’t know who I was.
I replayed the final words Mr. Ortega said over and over. I pictured the note falling into the open desk drawer. I needed that letter. I was going to get that letter. It would tell me if Cade had gotten mine. It would tell me if I needed to avoid him forever or not.
I sent my sister a text during final period telling her I was getting a ride home with Isabel. Then I sent Isabel one too, hoping she’d agree to that ride. And I added:
Want to help me steal some keys from the front office after school so I can rescue the letter??
I’d told her what had happened during lunch. She was just as horrified as I was. Her solution was for me to just tell Cade face-to-face. My solution was one that might save me a lifetime of humiliation depending on what the letter said.
Now, she texted back: Of course I do. I’ll distract, you retrieve.
And that’s where I was now. Retrieving.