I made eye contact with Bruce and took a sip. It wasn’t half bad.
“Are you drinking it black? That new family of yours too cheap for creamer?”
I underestimated the rage I had bottled up under my skin for him. Hearing him disparage the Burathons was sacrilegious. I poured the rest of the coffee down the drain and left the mug in the sink.
“Oh, they were so rich they just wasted shit?” Bruce grumbled from his chair. The light bulb moment last night that I could push him around just fine tantalized me. I strode over to him and grabbed a fistful of his shirt, pulling him a foot out of his chair.
“Shut up. You will not talk about them. Ever. You brought me back here, and now you get to live by my rules. Or I kick the crap out of you this time.”
I dropped him back into the chair as his face paled. I glowered at him like he did so many times when I was a kid. I reminded myself so much of him I was disgusted and turned away. I needed to be out of here. I walked out the front door and didn’t close it behind me.
There was only one place to go. Pixie’s. Apparently, time to face everything on the same day.
Chapter 37
GAZE
I KNEW THE steps to her place. Little had changed, just like my building. But I could easily take the steps three at a time now. Soon enough, I was outside her door. Same door, my head so much taller. I knocked too loudly. Like a landlord looking for money kind of loud. I forgot about that etiquette. To not scare one another with unpaid bills. I held my breath and waited. And waited. I put my hand on her door, trying to see if I could feel her there. We were so in sync back then. I actually rarely knocked on this door in the past because she always knew I was coming over.
I waited before knocking softer, friendlier. My anger with Bruce was bigger than my fury at Pixie’s betrayal.
I knocked again. No answer. I tried to reverse look through the peephole, but I couldn’t gauge anything.
Like an elevator dropping my heart to my feet, I realized I was desperate to see her. And it wasn’t going to happen. Not today. Maybe she’d moved. I scanned the hallway, tempted to knock on the other doors and ask. And all at once I didn’t want an answer just yet. Because if she had moved and I wasn’t able to find her? I didn’t know where to put that.
I walked slowly down the stairs, carefully taking each one like it was a time machine that would shoot me back to before if I did it right.
Re-entry into this life was going to be shit. And now I realized that I was putting a brave face on for the Burathons. This place scared me on so many levels.
Chapter 38
Pixie Rae
I WASN’T SURE who was at the door, but it sounded like they were looking for trouble, so I stayed inside. It might have been the school resource officer looking to see why I was out of school for ten days, but I wasn’t opening that door for anything.
I went back to writing in my notebook. A dark story of murder and vengence. The female character was a superhero, but a torn one that didn’t always make pretty decisions. I loved her.
I was alone in the apartment now. I’d been relishing it for the time it had given me. Away from him.
He was on an engagement-moon with Dreama, his new love. He was full of shit as always, because I knew he wouldn’t marry her until I was over eighteen. He loved those sweet, sweet social security and insurance checks he stole from me each month.
I glanced at the hole where my bedroom door used to be. The day of my mother’s funeral he took it off the hinges.
I missed that door almost more than I missed Gaze. I thought of the coffee can stuffed with notes to him that now banged against his building from the thread I’d cut. Bic had spied me sending the can to Gaze’s side and had threatened to get to it. Luckily, I had my pocket knife in my pocket, as always. I’d cut the string that held the can between the buildings. Instead of falling to the ground, it bounced twice and got wrapped around the underside of the fire escape. Stuck. I was happy it was out of Bic’s way, but even on a brave day, if I tiptoed across the ramp, I could never reach the coffee can. And I wasn’t going across the ramp for anything because it was all rusted.
So my notes for Gaze were trapped in time, but at least Bic would never see them.
I went back to my story. I didn’t want to think anymore. Not about any of it. I let my superhero beat up another bad guy.
Set the feelings aside. Swallow the feelings whole. Write instead.
Chapter 39
Gaze
AFTER I LEFT Pixie’s door, I went to the playground, still feeling like a giant. I forgot my basketball in case I could toss a few baskets. I’d promised Mike I’d train as best I could. He’d told me it was important to keep my grades up and stay out of trouble. The scouts had loved my playing and there was talk with a few different universities about a sizable scholarship.
I heard the game in progress before I got there to watch. There was a small crowd of little kids hovering about and a few teenage girls in tight shirts. They were everywhere, I guessed. Ball bangers. Groupies. Sports did that to some. The ball bounced out of bounds and I palmed it. All the guys on the court looked me up and down before one said, “Sit down, Durk. He’s up.”
And just like that, I was playing on their team and a younger, shorter guy was grumbling off to the side. The giant crack in the court. I’d forgotten about that. The one hoop was a little crooked still, no nets. Never were any.
This was the playing that made me. The playground pick-up games with no refs, no adults watching. The only rules were to respect what you could get away with and talent was king. After I scored twelve points in the game, I was the unofficial captain and they didn’t even know my name.
I played for hours, not stopping. Turns out, the ball was Durk’s, so it sucked even more that he’d been benched because of my arrival. During a short break, I went up to him to thank him for the use of the ball and insisted he play on my team. It didn’t matter if he sucked, I could beat these guys no matter what. I could slaughter them with the right combination of talent on my side, but I’d always win.
When it was too dark to play, my stomach grumbled. I’d been ignoring it all day. Only catching water from the beat-up old fountain. I had my own fans by the end of the day, kids and girls. I wouldn’t tell anyone my name because I liked the anonymity. Every once in a while I went to the fence and looked for Pixie’s window. The curtains stayed closed, but the lights were on.
I could’ve asked anyone around me about her, but I didn’t. I was scared she was gone and I didn’t want to face that tonight. Not tonight.
I tossed Durk his ball back before heading back to Bruce. I needed to see if he had left my shit alone. And part of me, a horrible, vicious part of me, wanted to make him scared again.
Chapter 40
GAZE
THAT EVENING THERE was not a thing touched in my room, and Bruce gave me a wide berth. His edge was gone. He was scared. And that made me both sad and angry in equal parts. This whole scene was unhealthy for me, emotionally. At the Burathons’ I knew who I was. I still had Pixie in my heart, even though I was mad. But here, not knowing where she was, I felt my tires spinning out of control.
I texted with my siblings and my friends from home. Everyone missed me. Austin was texting like I was still in the room next door, and that was the only thing that brought me sleep.