“She had a lot of pent-up feelings in middle school. Maybe she had a crush on you then, too. That might make sense as to why she’s trying so hard. But if she’s dating Mark, how does that bring you and me into it?” I pulled my hair over my shoulder.
“It’s weird. He was like gassing himself up, trying to get me to say I wanted to be with Ashlin. You’d think that’d be the last thing he’d say.” Gaze stood and unzipped his hoodie. I should be used to the muscles. But in the sleeveless tank, just watching his arms move could have been a TV show. Riveting.
He climbed up next to me on the bed. We’d done this so many times, but something had changed tonight. Maybe getting the prom dress ready for him had done it. I laid my head on his shoulder, humming a bit, happy he was here.
I turned my head just a little more and sniffed his bicep. Clean. Gaze. I kissed the skin there as if I’d done it a million times. Grateful for him. Grateful to him.
“Pixie.” His voice was much deeper now than when we were kids.
I heard the confusion and warning in his tone. My heart wasn’t racing, well, it was, but not in a way that made me scared. I kissed his arm again.
Every muscle on him tensed like he was about to jump.
I looked up from my spot cuddled next to him. “Are you okay?”
His face was a mixture of hope and terror. “Just. I just want you to know that you don’t have to do this kind of stuff with me if you don’t want to.”
“What do you mean?” I let go of his arm and felt embarrassment crawl up my spine. Oh. Oh. Maybe he didn’t like me like that. And what I’d just done was considered making a pass at him.
Bic’s voice slithered into my mind, “You’re lucky, girl. No man’ll ever want you. You’re lucky I’m willing to work with you.”
Gaze slipped off the bed and kneeled in front of me. “I love you.”
I clenched thinking of the word, but… my mind scrambled with ways to make the arm kiss into something playful.
“I’ve loved you for years. Every day. And I know what you’ve been through.” Gaze had tears in his eyes. He wiped at one that had escaped. “I’ll be here every day you want me to be. We never have to do anything.”
I watched him. He loved me. I knew that already. Hell, I loved him. But he was talking love love.
It must have been a full minute before I knew what to do. I leaned forward… close, closer, eyes on his full lips. I wanted a kiss. I was almost eighteen, and I wanted a kiss that wouldn’t hurt me. And Gaze was the only one in the world who could give that to me.
He held himself stock-still, the muscles in his forearms rock hard. And then I gave him a sweet, soft kiss. His mouth didn’t move, so I moved my lips instead. I slid off the bed, and then he caught me so I wouldn’t hit the floor. I kissed him once. I kissed him twice. I pulled back a bit to look in his face. I lifted my eyebrow. Was I off base? Was I ruining the most important relationship in my life?
Pride and anger mixed.
“Don’t you dare doubt yourself. I’m the luckiest person in the world right now.”
And he remained still, despite holding me close. He was just there for me to explore. I touched his jaw and traced his lip.
“Do you remember when that bird landed on your leg when we were at the river as kids?” I asked him while I put my hands on his chest.
He gave me a single nod.
“That’s what you look like now.” I kissed his exposed shoulder, then the base of his neck.
That got a little chuckle out of him. It was strained, but he gave me a response, “I figured Fat Asshole had sent him out to get me.”
After holding his face in my hands, I tested another kiss. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
He shifted, sitting all the way onto the floor, keeping his arms locked around me. “I just don’t want to get this wrong for you. It’s so important.”
“I know that. I need you to know that, too.” I smiled at him. “If you love me, kiss me. And make it my first kiss.”
And then all the rock hardness of his muscles moved. First, he looked from my mouth to my eyes and back. I nodded to encourage him.
Gaze put one hand behind my neck, his fingers in my hair. I almost closed my eyes the whole way, but I kinda wanted to see, too. And then he came in for the kiss. It was him, and I was used to him, but in a totally different way. A new way. Changing everything and realizing that nothing really had to change. He was already mine. His kiss was just ours. So different than the accidental kiss when we were kids. His lips tasted good. Slow and gentle, but my heart was racing fast. He stopped and checked my eyes. I nodded slightly. I was good. This was good.
He was making my mouth mine, letting me be the one that decided to be kissed. And then I wasn’t thinking anymore. I was just a girl kissing a boy and free-falling into the beauty of permission.
Chapter 59
Gaze
I FELT WILDLY underqualified to kiss Pixie. I knew how to kiss—there had been girls—but this was the most important kiss of my life. I loved her. And there was more. She was taking a chance with me. That I would be hers. And that the monster next door had done things to her that I could never erase. But I wanted to make things hers. Let her choose. And she did. She wanted to kiss me. Wanted me to kiss her. I don’t think I ever thought this much in my life. Careful where my hands were. Careful where Pixie and I touched. I wanted her to be able to get away. One foot out of the door if she needed to breathe, for whatever reason.
To hold her this close was amazing, but also what I think my soul was expecting. Love. From every age I’d been. From every future I would have. Now I knew why I missed her so much. My soul was bleeding freely without her.
And as much as I wanted to do things with her, I had to stay as still as she needed. That gave me the opportunity to see how tentative she was, and getting to see how thrilled she was when I made a noise of pleasure. And this was just touching. Just the skin I had available to her from my tank top, my face, and my neck.
I gently let go of her and put my arms behind me. She stayed straddling me. First inquisitive, then she leaned forward to kiss me more. I remembered the taste of her lips on mine from when we were kids. Cotton candy and watermelon. My arms became steel cords because I was not going to put expectations on her. I knew she felt me. There was no hiding that. The front door opened and Austin announced himself by singing his way in. I smiled as he made a racket coming into the apartment.
He knew something was going to go down, but now he had to come back. He was very careful to make sure all the “adult” requirements that Officer Sam and Mrs. Josephine gave us were met. I appreciated it and his detailed following of the rules, but I would’ve much rather seen how far Pixie wanted to take this.
She rushed off my lap and hopped up onto the bed. She tossed me a pillow for my situation, but Austin didn’t come looking for us.
Pixie covered her lips with her fingertips and spoke around them like they were a tiny fence. “Was that okay? I mean, you’re okay with this?”
I wish I could etch this in my head. This exact second like a laser engraving. Her flushed face, her excitement. That she had done this with me. That she loved me.
“Yes. Whatever you need, you can take it from me.” I touched my chest.