“I feel cold.” I left my coat in the apartment. No going back there now. I’ll abandon my suitcase and buy new clothes. I rub my hands up and down my arms. “I feel goose bumps.” I still need two more, except now I can’t feel anything except the freezing temperature seeping into my bones.
“Paige!” Harrison snaps his fingers in my face. “What the hell is going on? Our parents were being gross, but it’s no reason to spin out.”
I look in his eyes, and I can’t tell him. I can’t tell him that for twenty breathtaking minutes I dared to imagine a life beyond Fitz, a life where I could possibly want someone else as much as I wanted him. And it’s not like I’m in love with Harrison. Not even close. But now it’s another door slammed shut, because I’ll never be able to kiss him again without thinking about our parents, and what if they get married, and what if I’ll always be haunted by the memory of my stepbrother’s tongue in my throat, and what if—tears prickle the corner of my eyes, and I feel so stupid and full of regret, and life really does come full circle.
On every parallel plain in the entire freaking multiverse I’m the same girl with a broken brain who’s stuck playing what-if.
I dig through my pockets for the Post-it of options and come up short. Right. I’m in different pants than I wore last night. When I find it, I’m bookmarking that website and finding a way out of Gilbert and out of New York and as far away from my life as possible. China. Russia. Australia. Who cares? As long as I can leave.
I fumble with my phone and call Fitz.
“I was beginning to think you’d forgotten about me!”
“I can’t breathe.”
“Where are you? Is there a place to sit down?”
“New York. Sidewalk. There’s a porch.”
“Sit,” Fitz says. I walk midway up the steps of a brownstone and sink down.
“Tell me five things you can see.” He walks me through the five-four-three-two-one game, and by the time I get to one thing I can taste (car exhaust), my heart has slowed in my chest and SIM has stopped his furious scribbling.
Harrison is hunched on the bottom step, fiddling with his phone. I wonder vaguely if he’s listening, and if he thinks I’m crazy.
I wonder if he’s right.
“Thanks, Fitz.”
He pauses for a long time. And when he says, “Always,” it’s quiet.
“How’s your trip?” It’s a weird transition, but I hate myself for demanding so much of his attention. I wish he didn’t have to fuss over me so much. I wish I didn’t love it when he does.
“Epic blizzard. We lost power for the night.”
“I saw Molly’s pictures.” I force myself to say the next words, even though they taste worse than the exhaust. “I’m glad you two worked it out.” If I say it enough, maybe it’ll be true, and maybe that’s the first step toward getting over him.
“Oh. Um.”
Oh. Um? The words blaze like a signal fire. “What’s going on?”
“When do you get home?”
“A few days. Why?”
He exhales a huge breath, and my world tilts on its axis. “Because when you do, we should talk.”
“About what?” I ask too loudly, even though I know about what. There is only one possible thing that could make Fitz’s easy voice sound that pained.
Another deep breath. Another tear in my paper-thin heart. “I read your letter.”
Four simple words that detonate my entire life.
He knows that I love him and that I hate him, and it’s all over.
“I told you not to! I told you it was a mistake. I didn’t mean it, I didn’t—” I sound hysterical.
“Paige—”
“I gotta go.” I hang up the phone as Harrison turns.
“He read the letter,” he says. The corner of his mouth twitches, and I realize he’s holding back the urge to say I told you so.
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Relax, it’s not a big deal.”
Not a big deal.
Another bomb, this time blowing up whatever this is between Harrison and me.
“I’m gonna lose him.”
Harrison reaches out to capture my hand. “What about the multiverse? What about Kierkegaard? Or hey—” He folds his arms, closing himself off. “Maybe he’ll choose you.” He shrugs.
Maybe he will. Maybe there’s a microscopic chance Fitz will choose me. And I’ll never be able to trust that it’s not because he’s trying to fulfill his wildest rom-com dreams.
Something cold and wet lands on my arms. Harrison and I realize what’s happening at the same moment, both of our eyes turning skyward.
It’s snowing. Because of course it is. I laugh harshly. “I’ve never seen snow.”
Harrison’s eyes spark. “I’ll show you.”
“No thanks.”
“C’mon. Let me introduce the small-town desert girl to winter in the city.”
I step back, ignoring his outstretched hand. He’s glad to have another new thing to show me, like science and philosophy and the High Line. That’s all this is. To him, I’m a quaint, hot-chocolate-swigging girl who makes him feel smart. And the thing is, I want to experience all these new things. But that doesn’t mean I want to experience them with him.
Harrison can cast me as his new girl, holding my hand and showing me the city, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s trying to fill the hole Kate left in his heart. I can hold his hand and fall in love with the skyline, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss Fitz.
And maybe I’ll never have Fitz, but I don’t have to settle for someone who makes me feel crazy, someone who uses Philosophy 101 quotes as a substitute for vulnerability. Someone who barks at me to calm down instead of helping me find a way to do it.
I jog down the steps of the brownstone, brushing past him without a word.
“Where are you going?” He reaches for my hand and I tug it free.
“I don’t know. But I need time to think.”
I step off the curb as he yells “Paige!” in a voice of pure annoyance.
I turn just in time to see the taxi that slams into me.
Step one: Fix Clover and Jay’s relationship.
My fingers shake as I dial Jay’s number in the basement, and my stomach squirms when Clover answers the phone. “What do you want?” she says.
“To apologize.”
“No need. Jay told me what you said, and I told him it was a lie. Sorry not sorry to disappoint you, but we’re already back together.”
Huh. It turns out that even my bad decisions aren’t powerful enough to disrupt fate or stop true love.
After nearly an hour of groveling, it seems like Clover and I will be okay, though it’ll take time for things to go back to the way they were. With that done, I set to work on fixing Fitz and Molly’s relationship. I’m a veritable matchmaker now. An hour later, I call Molly to the basement to see what I’ve done.
“Are you sure?” Molly wrinkles her nose and looks around.
And look, I get it. A few balloons and a portable speaker don’t look like much. But it’ll do the trick. I know it will.