What has this kiss done to me that I can’t stop lying for one second?
“It’s a funny thing,” he says. “We just kissed today, and we’re already talking about jealousy. That’s not right. There must be something else between the first kiss and the first bout of jealousy.”
“Probably a little more kissing,” I joke, but Caio doesn’t need any more to jump into my bed.
In the dark bedroom, he catches me by surprise and squeezes himself between me and the edge of the bed. The first three seconds are a hot mess because he tries to kiss my mouth but first hits my nose and chin.
When our lips finally meet, I’m certain I want to do this every day. But then Caio hugs me, and his hand touches my hips, and I know it’s time to stop.
I have to say, kissing in the movies is very different from kissing in bed, in total darkness. Here in my bedroom, Caio kisses me intently. I try to kiss him back in the same way, but my mind is on full alert because there are parts of my body he’s not allowed to touch. That no one is allowed to touch.
His hands slide up and down my hips. I furtively try to keep my T-shirt in place. I pull it down on one side, he pulls it up from the other, and all of a sudden, kissing Caio is almost exhausting.
When our lips separate, I’m breathless. I need more training to synchronize kissing and breathing. Caio runs his hand down my face, which sends shivers down my neck, and before he can say anything, I say, “I’m not ready yet.”
Caio looks confused. “Ready for what?”
“Oh, for god’s sake, Caio! Don’t make me say it.”
“To be in a relationship?” he asks.
“No! To have sex!” I say, almost whispering the last word.
“Are you afraid your mom is going to walk in on us?”
“No, my mom isn’t the problem,” I say. “She’d probably throw a pack of condoms our way and bring some juice after we were … done.”
Caio laughs and runs his fingers through my hair, and I discover that, after the kiss, this is the best thing I’ve felt today.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to go all the way today. I was just excited and got ahead of myself. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’m sorry. For real.” He says all of that propped on my left arm, looking me in the eye.
I’m living through one of the most surreal moments of my life, and I feel like diving completely into it. But usually diving completely into it means letting the other person touch you, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.
“It’s okay. I just need a little more time,” I say, running my hand through his hair, too, the way I’ve already done a couple hundred times before in my imagination. “In the meantime, we can do a lot of other stuff together.”
“Like what?”
“Like go on a date, I don’t know. Talk about everything, get to know each other better,” I say, trying to use everything I’ve learned from all the rom-coms I’ve watched in my life.
“Felipe, technically, I’ve been going on a date with you for thirteen days now.”
“And there are two more to go,” I say, with a smile that I’m not sure he can see in the darkness of the room.
“Actually, just one more. My parents come back on Friday morning,” he says.
I know it doesn’t make a difference which day he’s leaving because we live in the same apartment building, but I can’t help but feel sad. Because it won’t be the same when he goes back to apartment 57. I’ll miss his company. I’ll miss sleeping like this, really close to him. I’ll miss grabbing his hand and placing it on my face, because I don’t want him touching anything from my neck down (which, by the way, is exactly what I’m doing right now).
“I’m sorry if I made things weird,” I say.
“I’m sorry if I pushed your boundaries,” he says.
“I’m sorry I’m such a weirdo.”
“I’m sorry if I made you feel like a weirdo.” Caio’s voice now sounds more urgent. “You are not weird. You are incredible.”
Don’t fall in love with someone who doesn’t make you feel beautiful, my mom said this morning. I still don’t feel beautiful when I’m with Caio. But in this moment, I feel incredible. And it’s a really great feeling.
“No need to apologize anymore. For anything,” he finally says, resting his head on my arm.
He then grabs my hand, brings it to his lips, and gives it a little kiss. I think it’s the most intimate gesture I’ve ever experienced. Even more than his fingers in my hair. Even more than his tongue in my mouth.
“Good night,” I say in the lowest of whispers. But I’m sure he heard it, because we are so close to each other. Really, really close.
I WAKE UP TO CAIO whispering things that, unfortunately, are not pledges of eternal love.
“Yes, Mom. I miss you, too,” he says in a low voice into his phone, still lying by my side. “Everything’s fine here. I’ll see you tomorrow. Give Dad a hug for me. Bye.”
He hangs up, comes closer to me, and kisses my cheek. I want to kiss his mouth, but I have a feeling that I might have awful morning breath.
“Imagine your mom’s face if she found out that this is what you do when you hang up the phone,” I say, pointing at my cheek where he just planted a kiss.
“She would go ballistic.” Though he laughs when he says it, there’s concern in his eyes. “But you know, even with all of her eccentricities, I miss her.”
“They’ll be here tomorrow. That’s just around the corner,” I say with a lump in my throat. “Where are they, again?”
“In Chile, celebrating their anniversary,” he says. “They spent the last couple of days visiting some islands full of penguins. My parents are obsessed with penguins, actually.”
I let out a confused laugh.
“Long story short, penguins are faithful,” Caio explains. “They stick with their partners forever. And if one of them dies, the other one stays alone for the rest of its life. Believe it or not, my parents find that to be romantic.”
“Oh, come on! It’s kind of cute.”
“Yes, very cute. This idea of living the rest of your life by yourself, haunted by your dead penguin husband because you simply cannot move on with life.”
“You’re a monster, Caio.”
“I just don’t think that’s how love works. It’s too dramatic, this whole ‘I will love you forever, even after you die, and I will never love anyone else because my heart is forever yours,’ you know?”
“My favorite couple is Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice,” I respond. “And they spend ninety percent of the book basically hating each other. So I think I like me some drama.”
“My favorite couple is us,” Caio says with a smile, and I almost have a breakdown because I most definitely DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
“Caiolipe?” I suggest our couple name, because it’s the smartest answer I can think of on the spot.
“Lipecaio?” he offers, laughing.
“Calipé is cool.”
“That sounds like a car part.”