There it is, that word. Terminate. It makes me go cold all over and my meager lunch starts to come up into my throat from nausea. I swallow hard. “I understand.”
“I think it’s important you get mentally ready that Baby B might not make it until the next appointment,” Mariana insists. I’m still silent, staring at the ground, when Alex speaks up.
“I think she understood,” he tells her, voice low.
“Very well.” Mariana flips through her chart again before landing on the page she was looking for. “The amniocentesis and subsequent karyotype test confirmed the initial diagnosis of Turner Syndrome in Baby B. We won’t know the severity of the disease until she grows a bit more. Baby A had none of the genetic markers, meaning he has no apparent genetic anomalies.”
Okay, well, I already knew all of that. It’s a bit of a relief to know without a shadow of a doubt what our obstacles are, though. “Understood. What’s next?” I ask.
She flips to the next page. “The lab work from the blood tests earlier today, plus your weight, show a few areas of concern.”
Alex looks at me and then back at Mariana. “Her weight?”
“Yes,” she says coolly. “Petra has gained no weight since her last appointment. In fact, she’s lost three pounds. That doesn’t sound like much, but when you consider how little the babies themselves weigh…”
“I get it,” Alex cuts her off. “Is she sick?”
I don’t really appreciate them talking like I’m not even in the room. Mariana shakes her head no.
“Not really sick, per se. Eating a vegan diet during pregnancy is okay as long as the mother takes her supplements and eats a balanced, nutrient-rich diet. Petra has not only lost a bit of weight, but she is iron and vitamin D deficient, and the lack of iron has made her anemic.”
My face burns with embarrassment, and I continue to look at the tiled floor.
Mariana continues, “Have you not been making sure she eats?” she asks Alex. He scowls, looking away from her.
“I have been… away,” he admits.
“I see.” Mariana grits her teeth but says nothing else to him. Instead, she turns to me. “Petra, since you aren’t taking proper care of yourself, I’m going to appoint you a midwife. She will just check in on you and help you make smart choices in your diet, so the babies get everything they need. With the TTTS, you being anemic is very dangerous if you’re hoping for Baby B to pull through. You need twice the iron as usual to make red blood cells for them.”
Great, she is assigning me a glorified babysitter. Resigned to my fate, I agree to the midwife. Mariana then escorts us to the reception and sets our next appointment in three weeks time. So this is how long she thinks Baby B is left with? She then instructs us to wait in the room for the midwife to come and gives me a brief hug as she leaves, worry plastered all over her features.
“Why aren’t you eating?” Alex asks tensely once we are left alone.
“Maybe because I’m forced to eat alone every evening,” I retort. How dare he get on me about my eating habits when he hasn’t laid eyes on me for ten days?
“Petra, you know—” Alex is cut off as the door opens again. A beautiful dark-skinned woman enters, wearing an amethyst-colored dress under her white medical jacket. She smiles at the two of us warmly, coming over to shake our hands.
“It’s so good to meet you,” the woman says. “My name is Lily, and I’ll be your CNM.”
“CNM?” I ask.
“It stands for Certified Nurse-Midwife,” Lily explains. “We’ll go through your eating habits, and then make a plan that will include food, sleep, mindset, and exercise.”
When it comes to my alimentation, Lily gives the two of us some pamphlets and other materials going over a proper vegan diet for expectant mothers, as well as some free samples of different supplements for me to try. She isn’t pushy, and she explains the importance of an iron-rich diet and how I can adjust my eating habits. I had expected to be annoyed by the midwife, but I actually like Lily a lot. She’s focused, pragmatic, and to the point. It isn’t until the end of our visit with her that things become uncomfortable again.
“I think that’s all for today. I will do a home visit twice a week to check on you. Your address is the one I have on file, right?”
“Correct,” I answer.
“Shouldn’t we also talk about the birthing plan?” Alex asks. “After all, she’s already twenty weeks in.”
Lily’s expression changes to become full of pity. “Next time, maybe. Mariana advised against setting up a birthing plan this early because…” She tries to find a careful way to say it, but I already know.
“Because she thinks I’m going to lose the babies,” I finish.
Lily closes her eyes for a second before nodding. “Yes.”
I let the wave of grief crash over me, tears filling my eyes, but as soon as the wave ebbs, I collect myself, standing. Alex follows suit.
“It was nice to meet you, Lily,” I tell her.
“Likewise,” she replies, still looking vaguely upset.
As soon as Alex and I get outside the clinic, I bury my face in my hands. No tears come this time, just an overwhelming sense of helplessness and frustration. I scream into my palms, venting all the feelings of rage, loss, and inevitability. How come Auntie Louise saw my future so clearly and there’s nothing I can do to change it? Why is this happening to me?
Alex stands next to me and doesn’t say a word. Instead, he loops his arm around my shoulders, walking me to the car so I can break down in private.
“Fuck!” I scream as soon as the car door closes, causing Alex’s eyes to widen. “Why is this happening to me? Why?”
Alex, for once in his life, looks lost. “If I could do something I would.”
Really? If he had meant that, he’d have been caring for me, not avoiding me like the plague. “I don’t need your pity, Alex,” I snap. “The only time I ever see you is here. If you’re lucky, maybe both babies will die, and you won’t have to go with me to these stupid appointments anymore.” My voice gets louder, cracking at the end of my statement.
He looks shocked, and all the blood drains from his face. “Don’t say that.”
“Why? It sounds quite obvious that’s what’s going to happen, no?” I scoff, “Plus, you have been absent for the past ten days, no phone calls, no hellos, nothing.” Alex looks like he wants to interject, but I don’t give him the chance. “If it wasn’t because of the pregnancy, you wouldn’t even be here today,” I point out, trying to keep my emotions in check, but my heart is too heavy. There’s only so much a person can take. “When are you going to stop holding a grudge against me and turn the page?”
The silence stretches out between us, broken only by my heavy, tear-filled breaths.
“I haven’t figured it out yet,” Alex answers lamely. I can tell from his face that even he knows it’s a bullshit answer.
I chuckle in disgust. I just want to leave the damn car and not see him ever again. He starts the car, and we leave, the air tense. My phone pings, and I open the message. It’s a picture of the old chessboard in the library from Matt, with the caption, Care for a rematch?