Matt just nods at me in return. Despite being as shocked and embarrassed as I am, he still asks, “Sure, um, do you want a ride?”
“That’s okay, I’m gonna call Zach.” Then I simply wave at him and leave the library.
On my way back home, I can’t stop replaying what happened between Matt and I. What a horrible, horrible mistake that was. If Alex and I are already so estranged, this is gonna make things even worse. I shut my eyes and press my lips tight, hitting the back of my head against the headrest again and again. Fuck! Fuck! And fuck! I should’ve slapped him, told him no, pushed him back, but I didn’t. I leaned in just as much as he did and let him kiss me. I have to talk to Alex about it and we have to put everything behind for the sake of our marriage. The fact he’s also treating me like I’m his enemy and his estranged wife, isn’t helping either. For fuck’s sake we are living under the same roof, yet he doesn’t sleep with me and we barely see each other! I take my iPhone and call him so that we can meet. Yet, he doesn’t pick up his phone. Of course… So I go to the message app and type in: I really need to talk to you. Please, can we meet at the condo? It’s really urgent.
My legs start quivering impatiently as I remain here sitting in the car and waiting for his answer. Fortunately, a few minutes later, a new message pops up: Okay, let’s meet in the dining room.
That’s it? No questions asked? Wow. He must already be at home to reply with such an easy going attitude.
I’m trembling at the idea of what could happen to us. Is he gonna divorce me because of a peck? Oh jeez, I hope not! But I won’t keep the truth away from him. If we want to move forward, we need to be honest with each other.
Suddenly, another message pops up. Are you mad at me? I’m sorry for what I did. X
Am I mad at Matt? Well, I should be mad at me first and foremost. After all, I’m the one who’s married, not him. But Matt knows I’m currently going through a bad phase in my marriage due to the trial, my testimony and so much more, and yet, that didn't prevent him from doing what he did.
I’m not mad, but we shouldn’t have done that, I text him back.
I know. I’m sorry, I fucked up. I won’t do it again. X
Yeah, well, it’s a bit too late for that. What a fucking mess I put myself in. I close my eyes again, breathing in and out, but all I can think of is about that stupid mistake. I don’t even know why I did it. Is it because of the pregnancy hormones? Because of the lack of intimacy between Alex and I? I don’t know, but I only see Matt as a friend, which is why it doesn’t make any sense. Heck, I never pictured myself having something more with him.
Reaching our condo, my heart is in my throat and I’m not even sure how I will be able to look Alex in the eye and tell him the truth. What a monster I am… But I have to. I walk slowly to the dining room and my heart falls to my knees as I see the dining table beautifully decorated with a romantic place setting for two.
“Maria’s idea,” Alex says immediately. Yet, I’m pretty sure that’s not true. Maybe he finally realized he was being a dick to me.
The guilt and shame weight on me and I feel devastated. My eyes start watering and I sniffle, pushing the first tears back.
“Are you okay?” His voice, warm and caring, makes my heart reel.
Oh Petra, what have you done?
“I… um…” I barely manage to articulate, staring at the floor as I speak. I’m scared, so freaking scared of telling him the truth. My heart is hammering inside my chest as I pull my chair and sit in front of him. I don’t manage to look him in the eye though. I did something absolutely horrible and all I can do is stare down at my lap in total embarrassment. Then I take a deep breath and for better or worse I say, “Matt kissed me.”
And then, nothing…
No words, no screaming, no loud breaths, no tears, nothing. So I slowly drift my eyes up and dare to look at him.
Alex doesn’t even blink, he just looks at his empty glass of wine, playing with the base. “I see,” he mumbles, like he’s barely here. His face is totally emotionless as he keeps observing his glass. Then his gaze finally lands on me, and he asks, “Did you slap him back?” My lips part at his question and I don’t find the will to answer it. “Tell me the truth,” he says gently.
I breathe in and out, my gaze traveling back down to my lap, before I mutter a mere, “I didn’t, no.”
Another beat of silence ensues, so I look up again and find Alex nodding as he thinks something through. “Did you push him away, maybe?”
My eyes drift down again, quite ashamed of myself. “No…”
“Did you tell him to stop, at least?”
And yet I shake my head, giving him a third negative answer.
“So, did you just… let him do his thing?”
The disappointment in his voice petrifies me. I swallow the lump in my throat, barely able to face the truth. “Yes.” My tone is barely audible, but Alex just chuckles in return before rubbing his eyelids tiredly. “It’s not what you think—”
“Oh, it’s exactly what I think,” he snaps, glaring at me with disdain. Then he heaves a long sigh filled with sorrow and looking me in the eye, he asks, “You liked it, huh?”
I close my eyes for an instant because I don’t even know what that kiss meant. “You have been so distant with me and—”
“Did you like it or not?” he asks again, cutting me off.
“I don’t think so,” I answer, my voice broken and low.
“You don’t think so?” he repeats, sounding deeply disappointed. “Did he place his tongue inside your mouth?”
His unexpected question makes me gape at him. “Argh, you’re being disgusting,” I rebuke, shaking my head.
“Answer me!” he grits between teeth. I’ve never seen him like this before, I wanted to talk rationally but this is becoming ridiculous. “Petra, answer me,” he repeats, his tone demanding.
Tired of his attitude, I stand up, ready to leave this conversation behind before it escalates, but Alex steps in. “Don’t you dare leave this table!”
“Or else what?” I snap back, already standing tall in front of my place setting.
Alex does the same, and the way he jumps from his chair and marches around the table to meet me is making me reconsider my manners just as fast. I cross my arms over my chest as Alex stands behind me. I can hear his breathing growing louder with disdain and hate as he looks down on me. “Did he touch you while he was all over your mouth?”
I blow out a breath, irritated by his attitude. “I’m done with this.” I take a few steps to pass him, but Alex stands in front, barring my way.
“Oh we are just getting started here, believe me,” he says, his gaze filled with anger.
“I’m not answering your filthy questions,” I hiss back.
In the blink of an eye, Alex turns me around and snatches my back against his chest, his arms holding mine, and leans down just enough to reach my ear. “Answer me,” he growls.
Since I keep my mouth shut, not giving anything away, his hand goes up to my chest and under my top, and a quick gasp escapes me as he starts fondling my left boob, slow and soft, the gesture feels odd and good at the same time. As I come to think of it, he hasn’t done that for a long, long time.