“Uhh...” There was more rustling fabric and the sound of something falling to the floor. Remy swore, and I could clearly picture her shoving her curly hair out of her face in frustration. “I mean, I don’t know anything about having a kid. I don’t know how anyone does anything with a baby. They seem so breakable.” She cleared her throat and told me to hold on while she grabbed a glass of water. When she came back on the line, she sounded more alert. “I do know when something seems hard, or even impossible, it’s okay to ask for help. Maybe that’s where you should start. It might be a good idea to ask someone who has actually had a baby to find out what worked best for them. Parents need other parent friends to ask for advice. Just look at ours.”
“I don’t want new friends.” The words sounded more bitter than I intended, and I realized I was very close to losing the iron grip I had clamped on my emotions lately. “New friends didn’t work out so well for me the last time I made one.” I wanted to pour my heart out to her. I wanted to vent about my former friend and my former girlfriend. I wanted to tell her how hard it was to grieve through the anger of betrayal and how difficult it was to find forgiveness, because at the end of the day, I still wanted Hollyn to know about the good parts of her mother. But I knew it wasn’t right to drop all of that on Remy without notice. I hadn’t earned the right to vent to her the way I once did.
“Oh. Well, okay…then ask a professional. Talk to a childcare expert or someone who has live-in help. Hell, even your mom had to have someone help when you were little. She worked crazy hours when you and your dad first moved in with her. Whatever she did with you worked out. You turned out fine.”
I was so far from fine, but I didn’t call her to bitch about that. I called because I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be all right, no matter what. Even if it wasn’t true.
“I have a hard time picturing a stranger in my house while I’m gone. I can’t imagine leaving Hollyn alone all day with someone I don’t know. I feel like I’m going to find something wrong with everyone on purpose so I don’t have to actually pick someone. I’m so scared of making a mistake; it makes me unable to do anything. I’m frozen.”
I’d never been so cold.
“Don’t do it alone. Ask for help. Have your parents interview candidates. Better yet, ask your Uncle Ben to do the interviews. That guy is super scary. No one is going to mess with him. Hire a service that vets childcare providers. Start slow and work your way up to leaving her home alone with someone. Honestly, if Daire hadn’t had such a terrible summer, I would suggest you have her stay with the baby for the first few weeks when you go back to work. She’s great with kids and could use the distraction. It’s going to be all right, Hyde. Like you said, this is something all working parents have to deal with at some point. You’re lucky to be surrounded by family and friends. If you were still in Georgia, it would be much harder.”
As soon as Remy said the magic words, I felt like I could breathe again. I probably should’ve tried to catch as much elusive rest as possible while Hollyn was sleeping, but talking to Remy did so much more for my current state of mind.
“Thank you for answering my call. I didn’t think you would.”
She snorted loudly, and I heard her sheet rustle again. “If I had your number saved, I wouldn’t have.”
I put a hand to the center of my chest, in the very place where it felt like her words speared right through my heart.
“I feel better after talking to you, Remy. It’s good to hear your voice.” The sound took me back to a time and place when my life was less terrifying. There wasn’t a single deployment or assignment in eight years of my service that scared me as much as nearly losing my newborn daughter. Even when I felt fully responsible for Remy, it was less pressure than I felt now. I failed the first girl who loved me with her whole heart. I couldn’t fail the second one I’d been blessed with.
I was getting ready to say goodnight when Remy’s quiet voice came across the line.
“Talking to you makes me feel terrible, Hyde. Your voice hurts me. Do me a favor and think about that next time you have a midnight crisis.”
She didn’t even give me a chance to apologize. She hung up and once again effectively cut me off.
It was vastly different to feel barely tolerated by her than to be loved by her. There was no denying I preferred the second.
She closed the door to her heart that was always wide open with welcome. Now it felt like I was on the outside banging on it, begging to be let in. I foolishly thought there was a way to go back to the way we’d always been now that she no longer loved me. But it seemed like there was no salvaging our friendship unless I could figure out a way to get her to forgive me for leaving her when she was at her worst.
The problem with that was, I hadn’t managed to forgive myself yet.
Remy
“ZOWEN, I’M ABOUT to take a car service home. I sent you a picture of the license plate. If I don’t call you within the next hour… assume something bad happened and avenge me.”
I giggled loudly at my own joke and held up a finger to let the driver know I needed a minute. “I left my car in the paid parking lot near Suzy’s Bar. If I forget where it is in the morning, remind me.”
I’d finally gotten the little red sports car back from Wheeler after he was done thoroughly tuning it up and making sure it would withstand the Colorado winter that was right around the corner. Zowen almost cried with relief when I gave him back the street bike he lent me in the interim. I wasn’t sure if he was more relieved to get his toy back or that I hadn’t crashed and burned in the weeks I’d been riding it.
“Have you been drinking?” The deep voice on the other end of the phone sounded confused and a bit surprised.
I nodded even though my brother couldn’t see me. “Just a little bit. I really wanted to see the band playing tonight. Bowe told me they were good. You know I used to work at this bar, so I know everyone. I had a couple drinks to relax. You know I had a rough week.” I had felt off ever since that midnight phone call with Hyde. I couldn’t get it—or him—out of my mind, and I was driving myself crazy because I knew I was reading too much into the fact he still had my number after all this time. “I told you, stop worrying about me. I know my limits, and I’m not driving.”
I slipped into the back of the car and waved my free hand at the driver, who asked me to verify my address while looking at me in the rearview mirror.
“Are you supposed to mix alcohol with your medication? That sounds dangerous, Remy.”
I scowled and shook my finger in the air. I’m sure the sight was hilarious to anyone who happened to catch it. “How many times do I have to tell you I’m the big sister? You’re the little brother. Stop trying to manage my life, Zowen.” I sighed and slumped back in the leather seat. I could see the driver still watching me in the mirror, so I schooled my expression into one that was less mutinous. “No, I shouldn’t mix booze and meds. We both know that. But there are days when I want to pretend like I’m just like everyone else and unwind. I can’t follow the rules and do the right thing all the time. I’m not wired that way. As long as I don’t take it too far, things will be fine.”