I caught her arm as she turned, stopping her march to the door before it began. “Just hang out for a little bit. Let me feed the baby, get her changed and dressed, then I can take you to your car. It’s the least I can do for you since you relented and stayed last night even though I know you didn’t want to.” Since I didn’t have to worry about her, I actually managed to get enough sleep that my mind felt relatively clear for the first time in a month. “Stay. Please, Remy.”
She opened her mouth and let it slam shut again. I could see the annoyance at my request in her colorful eyes. She’d already spent more time with me than she wanted. She really wanted to tell me to shove it, but before she could figure out a polite way to tell me to go fuck myself, Hollyn let out a shriek that let us both know she was tired of being ignored.
We both jolted in surprise. Remy shook my hand off her arm and lifted her hands to rake through her wild hair.
“How can something so small be so loud?” She peeked at the baby after she slapped her hand over her ears dramatically.
I chuckled and bent down to scoop up the infant. “I dunno. But doesn’t the same thing apply to you? You’re tiny and tend to make a lot of noise.”
She scowled at me but didn’t disagree. Instead, she followed me to the dressing table and watched as I started Hollyn’s daily routine. My daughter was so small and delicate that on more than one occasion, I felt like my hands were too big and clumsy to handle her. I was sure I would hurt her or not be able to properly get her into her baby clothes. Those damn snaps were so itty-bitty. I was always extra careful when I handled her in any way.
“Why are you sleeping in here with her instead of your own room if you have baby monitors all over the house? Or, why don’t you just put her in a bassinet in your room? Wouldn’t that be more comfortable?”
It was a simple question with a not so simple answer. “When Hollyn was born, she was immediately taken to the NICU. She was injured in the accident and was born premature. They put her in a tiny box, and no one could really touch her for weeks and weeks. At the time, I wasn’t even sure if she was mine, so I had to share any allotted visiting time with the other guy my girlfriend had been seeing behind my back. It was terrible, and I promised myself as soon as Hollyn was out of the hospital, she would have the best of everything, and I would make sure she knew she was wanted and loved. Getting her here was so much work, and it took my whole family. I want her to know this is her space, that she belongs here. So, I come to her, and I feel grateful I get to do it. I would’ve slept next to her isolette if the hospital staff allowed me to.” My comfort meant nothing compared to being close and available for the baby when she needed me. I explained the equipment that had kept Hollyn alive to Remy in layman’s terms out of habit. You learned a lot about the NICU when you found yourself there for weeks on end.
Remy watched each step of our routine in utter fascination. It was almost like she’d never been around a baby before. Which would actually be something we had in common up until a few months ago.
“Do none of your friends have kids?” She’d always been a bit of a social butterfly, so I couldn’t imagine no one in her circle had settled down and started a family at this point in their lives.
Remy made a little humming sound and turned to dig through the dresser when I asked her to find something for Hollyn to wear for the day. The baby was still fussy, but just like me, she couldn’t seem to take her eyes off the petite woman zipping around her nursery.
“I moved around a lot the last few years. I’ve got acquaintances in almost every state, but my actual group of friends is much smaller. I have a couple of people here in Denver I always kept in contact with from when I was younger, but that’s it for anyone on the outside. Other than that, Bowe Keller and I are super tight, and I’ve always been close with my brother and cousins, but it was hard for me to let anyone in after you left. And you know me, I’m a lot to handle. People get sick of my shit sooner or later. I stopped investing in friendships that were going to fail anyway. Being dumped by a friend can suck even more than being ditched by a lover. So, no. I don’t know anyone with a baby besides you.”
She handed me a onesie with flamingos all over it and reached over to tickle the baby’s tummy above her newly changed diaper. There was a scar near the top of her navel from one of the surgeries Hollyn had to have to save her life. Remy didn’t ask about it, which I was deeply grateful for. I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about how close I’d come to losing my kid. It was still an open wound.
“But I don’t think any other baby could ever be as cute as this one. I think she kind of looks like you. She’s adorable, and I think she likes me.” She gave me a look that was hard to read and muttered softly, “I’m sorry about her mom. I’m sure that has been very hard for both of you.”
Hollyn seemed to understand what Remy was saying and cooed a soft sound in response. I picked her up and settled her on my shoulder, turning to look at Remy with a lifted eyebrow. “Things with her mother were complicated before she passed away. I’m still figuring out how I feel about it, and how to let Hollyn find her own feelings about the situation once she’s old enough.” I nudged her with my shoulder trying to change the subject and lighten the mood. “Do you feel brave enough to feed her now that you’re her favorite? I’ll get you a bottle, and you can sit with her on the couch.” I closed my eyes and sighed at the heavenly thought of being able to take an uninterrupted shower without having to ask my mom to come over. “It’ll give me ten minutes to get ready to take you to your car.”
I couldn’t keep the sound of desperation out of my voice. I knew she wanted to keep as much space between us as possible, but I didn’t want the divide I dug to be there anymore. My entire life was uncertain and shaky at the moment. The only thing that felt familiar was Remy. There was comfort in being close to her. And the fact that she could still see me as some kind of hero after the way I’d abandoned her meant more than she would ever know.
Daire Archer wasn’t the only person in Remy’s life who needed to understand it was more than mistakes that made a person who they were. That worth wasn’t based on one moment that went wrong.
Remy made an irritated sound, but since she was never one to back down from a challenge, she slowly nodded her head. “Fine. I’ll pretend I know what I’m doing so you can take a shower, but don’t get used to it. I shouldn’t be unsupervised with anything fragile for too long.”
I grunted and followed her out of the nursery, rubbing the baby’s back as I watched Remy walk through my house like she owned it.
“Stop doing that.” I kept my voice low so I didn’t startle either of them. But there was enough bite in my tone; Remy faltered a step and turned to look at me over her shoulder. “Stop saying you’re too much, or that you can’t be trusted. Neither of those things has ever been true. You’re just you. And the you I know, the girl I grew up with, I would trust her with my life… and my baby’s life.”
She gave me a hard look before whipping back around and continuing her sashay through my house. “You can trust me with your life, and with Hollyn’s, but not my own. Isn’t that why you let my mother convince you to leave?”